Month: March 2017

Michael Flynn Seeks Immunity From Russian Flu

March 31st, 2017

Washington, DC:    President Trumps former National Security Adviser, General Michael Flynn, has asked to be inoculated, and receive immunity from the severe outbreak of Russian Flu that has broken out inside Washington DC, and in diplomatic circles around the world.

Flynn resigned his post back in February after he lied about his close personal contact with the current outbreaks “Patient Zero”, Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak.

This acute outbreak of Russian flu has exposed many of the Trump administrations election campaign, and current staff.

The symptoms are as follows. Repeated contact with Russian Oligarchs, banks and diplomats who are known carriers of this strain of Flu. It can be something as innocent as accepting millions of dollars in loans or gifts from the carriers of this particular strain of flu, or as it is now being referred to as “Putin Flu.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask Flynn some questions. When asked why he was seeking immunity from this particular virulent strain, he replied:

“Holy crap Mocksham, I have been infected big time.”

“There is no natural immunity to this nasty strain of political flu. If I don’t get immunity from this flu, I could die in prison. With a bunch of other people who deserve to be there more than I do.”

russian flu

Advertisements

White House Says That Federal Hiring Freeze Does Not Apply To Trump Family

March 39th, 2017

Washington, DC:    The White House announced yesterday that it was going to add an addendum clause to President Trumps federal hiring freeze executive order to allow every member of his family to become a USA federal employee.

The Presidents daughter Ivanka will be his official assistant in charge of helping him not look like a complete misogynist, and her husband Jared Kushner will be his official adviser in charge of taking the blame for any suspicious activity between the Trump administration and the Russians.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham had lunch with the president. And in between chewing and spitting out bits of his favorite “Putins Apron” meatloaf while he talked , he was more than willing to expound on his unprecedented and historical nepotism.

“Ivanka has the smarts that I am lacking when it comes to the hot babes Mocksham. I have no game, let me tell you. If it was not for my celebrity and Russian money, I would be totally alone.”

“Yeah, that’s right, I know it’s hard to believe that with my awesome hair and tan. But I would never be able to bag a smoking hot model like Melania without their money, it’s true.”

“Jared has all the connections to be the fall guy and take the blame for all of this out of control Russian quicksand that my administration is in. He is the best, just the best at taking the blame for stuff.”

“I thought that Paul Manafort was the best guy for the job, but no, he is too sleazy. Jared is going to be phenomenal, let me tell you.”

“Jared has no idea how good he is going to be. What are son-in-laws for?

“This is what great Czars and leaders do historically Mocksham. We advance our daughters and sacrifice their loser husbands.”

“Isn’t this fun.”

White House Admits That Trump Uses “Putins Own” Russian Salad Dressing.

March 29th, 2017

Washington, DC:    White House communications director Sean Spicer admitted today that US President Trump only uses Putin salad dressing and other recipes.

In another public meltdown after being asked a difficult question about the administration and Russia during a press Q&A, Spicer answered a question that was not asked.

“Just because the President only enjoys Russian dressing and other Putin recipes when he eats has no bearing on anything. You fake news people will grasp any straw for a story.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy phone.
When he was asked just exactly what Spicer was talking about, he answered:

“C’mon Mocksham, you haven’t heard of the “Putin Apron” food club?

“He gives you all the ingredients for each meal, and you cook them from scratch. It’s the best, just tremendous Andy. That I can tell you.”

“Melania has been home cooking me Putin Apron meals ever since we got together. She tells me that all her recipes are cooked with love. Best food ever.”

“And my favorite salad dressing comes from the “Putins Own” brand. It puts the “Secret” in secret sauce, just fantastic Mocksham. He makes all of these amazing pre- packaged foods and donates all the profits to charity. A great man.”

“Don’t you Fake news people know anything about food?”

“Putins Apron” foods.
Putin apron

Nunes Cancels Intelligence Committee Hearing Due To A Lack Of His Own Intelligence.

March 28th, 2017

Washington, DC:   Representative Devin Nunes(R) California, announced that he has canceled today’s House select intelligence committee hearing on Russia’s, and his own interference in the 2016 Presidential elections due to “A lack of intelligence on my part.”

“I am such an idiot.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask Nunes a few questions while the Congressman was  walking aimlessly around the Capitol building, trying to find his office. When asked why he cancelled the Intelligence committee hearing, he responded:

“I completely screwed things up when I took some very important information that I did not understand to the White House last week. I needed to know if it was important enough to show to the rest of the committee. How the heck am I supposed to know?”

“People automatically assume that just because a congressman is in charge of a certain committee, that he actually has the ability to do that job. I wanted to be the chairman of the intelligence committee because I wanted to look intelligent to voters in my district.”

“Apparently it does not work that way, hahaha.”

“Seriously, remember when Darrell Issa was the chairman of the house ethics committee?”

“ Laugh my ass off.”

Trumps Bluff Gets Called And He Folds

March 24th,2017

Washington, DC:  The AHCA is dead. It died a very quick and painful death for all of the wealthy who were expecting a huge windfall from the tax breaks built into the bill. President Trump and the entire GOP have been promising for seven years that they were going to repeal Obamacare. Now we know that it was all a lie to get votes.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak to the president over his unsecured Samsung galaxy phone. When asked why he told speaker Ryan to pull the bill and kill it, he responded:

“Mocksham, we had to do it. Both the CBO and OMB analysis showed us that it would collapse the entire health care system of the USA and then the economy. I will spin it to blame the Democrats like I always do.”

“The truth is that the private for profit health care system is failing, not Obama care. No way that I and the rest of the Republicans can admit that because the health insurance lobby is so strong.”

“I guess we had our bluff called when people realized that the ACHA was really just a huge tax cut for me and my millionaire friends.”

“Now we have to try to do that out in the open.”

GOP Health Care Plan Fails To Get Enough “Drag Her By The Hair Votes.”

March 24th,2017

Washington, DC:
   The GOP health care plan, better known as the AHCA or “American Health Care Act” failed to gain enough votes to even be voted on yesterday. The plan was favored by the majority of Republicans in the house, and by the President because it included massive tax cuts for Uber wealthy Americans, even though it would have dumped an estimated 24-26 million sick and elderly Americans off of their health insurance coverage.

The main resistance on the right was from the so called “Freedom Caucus” of old white men.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask a few questions to the caucus leader, Mark Meadows of North Carolina. When asked why he was so against women and children having basic health coverage. He replied:

“The Presidents  support for a change that would strip out Obamacare’s requirement for insurance plans covering  maternity care, mental-health treatment, preventive services, and a host of other essential health benefits, fell short of my caucuses demands.”

“We also wanted to repeal the insurance regulations forbidding discrimination based on pre-existing conditions and lifetime coverage limits. And that is a non starter for us Mocksham. Jesus H Christ on a cracker, the snowflake liberals even took out the language that would allow men to drag their women by the hair into a cave to give birth the way God intended!”

“That is unacceptable!”

“I guess we just move on to a tax reform bill that is not disguised as health care reform.”

Freedom caucus
white old men

White House Says That Paul Manafort Was Just Some Hitchhiker They Picked Up.

March 23rd, 2017

Washington, DC: The White House released a statement late last night that Paul Manafort not only did not play a large role on the Trump election team, but that he “Was just some hitchhiker that General Flynn picked up walking down the street on a visit to Moscow.”

“He was more like an enthusiastic fan that just wanted to tag along and help out by doing things like count delegates or keep the Russian ambassador from being lonely at the GOP convention.”

“Once he started to get really clingy and controlling, texting candidate Trump all day and night, candidate Trump dumped him.”

“The President says that he still has feelings for Manafort, but that he is a crazy bitch and did not want to just string him along.”

“Relationships that start out innocently can turn bad, really quickly.”

A request for an interview from RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was not returned at press time.

Trump Has Dream That He Meets Nixon

March 22nd, 2017

Washington, DC: President Trump woke up this morning in a cold sweat after a dream involving a creepy smiling guy in a suit.

Trump was going to make a tweet about it, but his twitter account has been placed on involuntary double secret probation by White House chief strategist and acting President, Alt-right white supremacist Steve Bannon.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was awakened at 3:33 am with a panicked phone call from the President. He said:

“Wake up Mocksham, I just had a nightmare and you are the only person I really trust.”

“In my dream it was Halloween and I was dressed in an amazing  Elvis costume at the White House Halloween party . I looked fantastic, tremendous. I was the King Mocksham, THE KING!!

“I was greeting guests and this shifty looking guy in a suit walks up to me, shakes my hand and says, “Nice to meet you Donald, my name is Tricky Dick Nixon. I used to live here. This place hasn’t looked this bad since I left. I think you are doing great! Keep up the good work!”

“Just remember, never admit that you are a crook.”

“Who is this Nixon guy Andy? And what the hell did he mean by that? You got any ideas?

After explaining to Trump that Richard Nixon was a former US President, Mocksham asked Trump if Nixon had anything else to say in the dream. Trump replied:

“Yeah, he told me very vividly,”

“Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren’t for all the goddamned people. And the press is the enemy. And if the President does it, it’s not illegal. Once you get into this great stream of history, you can’t get out. There is no way out Donald so go for the gusto and let it rip!”

“I wish you luck Donald and thank you for making people forget about me. Time for you to make US history!”

“Now call that Russian Ambassador Kislyak and have him bring some Russian babes over to this party along with some more of those briefcases full of cash!”

“Then he just vanished into the crowd.” Trump said.

“At the end of my dream I was leaving DC on Marine one with all my bags packed.”

“Hell of a dream Mocksham. What does it all mean?

Trump nixon

The FBI Confirms Investigation Between The Trump Campaign And The Leader Of The Cardassian Empire

March 21st, 2017

Washington, DC:  FBI Director James Comey said for the first time Monday that the bureau is investigating whether there was any coordination between the Trump campaign and the Planet Cardassia’s leader Gul Dukat and whether Cardassia had interfered in the 2016 presidential election.

In a stunning and dramatic testimony in front of the house intelligence committee on Monday, Director Comey also denied that there was any wiretapping of President Trump by Former President Obama or British Secret agent James Bond 007.

Comey testified that Gul Dukat “Can be charming. He can be generous. He can do the right thing at times.” But he also added that “Dukat is a bad guy. A very bad guy.”

“The most complex and fully developed villain in Star Trek history.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to meet up with the FBI director after the hearing. When asked how deep the Cardassian connection goes, he responded:

“I can’t get into the minutia of the investigation, but let me assure you Mocksham, the Cardassians and their Obsidian Order are high tech, sophisticated and ruthless.”

“It has been said that The Order is so efficient at spying, a Cardassian citizen can’t sit down to a meal without each dish being duly noted and recorded by the Order, down to its preparation and the exact measurement of each ingredient.”

White House communications director Sean Spicer would only state that there is nothing clandestine going on between Gul Dukat and the President, and they in no way colluded to rig the 2016 election, instead he said that:

“Gul Dukat and the President have been in a prolonged negotiation on the terms of a new reality series named “Keeping up with the Cardassians.”