January 20th, 2018
Washington, DC: After decades of campaign rhetoric denouncing the ineffectiveness of big government, the GOP is beaming about the current complete dysfunction and incompetence in DC. Their mutual historical incompetence is now culminating in a government shutdown to mark the one year anniversary of the GOP controlling both houses of congress and the executive branch.
Republicans are very proud of the mess that they have made with the federal government. Conservative legislators and pundits alike are quick to boast about how ineffective and weak the federal government has become.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham had lunch at the Capitol cafeteria and spoke to several administration and legislative Republican leaders. When asked about their historically bad execution and lack of clear leadership in all phases of the federal government, they all agreed that it was a job well done.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions: “I’ve been telling you for years Mocksham that big government is a creepy swamp creature from the deepest darkest bayou.”
Vice President Pence: “Big government is evil, I am talking Old Testament Evil Mocksham.
King Solomons court on Viagra.”
Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell: “Stop whining people. This is what bad government does. This is what you elected Republicans to do. Stop acting so shocked.”
House Speaker Paul Ryan: “ I have worked so hard my entire political life to be here and play such an important role in this historical moment of government incompetence. I want to thank my constituents for being ignorant enough to keep electing me.”
“You get what you vote for.”
April 20th, 2017
Washington, DC: The Trump administration celebrated national 4:20 day by openly smoking marijuana for the first time. The President decided to embrace the future for at least one day, but vowed to bring back all of the old destructive “War on drugs” lunacy as soon as everyone “becomes assholes again” after mellowing out for 24 hours.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions, an avid 19th century prohibition enthusiast, met up for a one on one with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham for a Q & A at the White House. When asked how he liked cannabis, Sessions responded:
“Hahahaha…You fake news people make me laugh…Hahahaha….But seriously Mocksham…”
“What was your question?”
When Mocksham repeated his question, Sessions put the reefer joint back in his mouth and inhaled deeply. Then he answered:
“Oh Yeah! Hot Damn! Hahaha…I love this stuff! Always have hahaha…But till these legal reefer guys start lobbying and paying up, It’s Dirty Harry time hahaha….”
“Jumpin Jambalaya! I feel like a million bucks!”
“The private prison guys write me blank checks.”
“PAY UP Colorado and Washington!”
“Where is my lighter Mocksham?”
“And where is my bag of cheetos?”
“I haven’t had this much fun since election night…Did I just say that?
April 11th, 2017
Chicago, Illinois: United Airlines forcibly evacuated an entire overbooked flight yesterday when no passengers accepted compensation to be bumped. The airline had offered passengers $800 dollars to be placed on another flight but none of them accepted the offer.
Airline industry spokesman, Gratis Surcharge, made a statement to the media:
“United was well within their rights as an American corporation to evacuate the entire flight and leave these ungrateful passengers stranded.”
“An airlines priorities are to make as much profit as possible, not to provide a seat to every paying passenger.”
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was on the flight and was willing to accept the $800 dollars along with a no luggage fee and free meal on another flight, but the airline wanted three more passengers to accept the offer. When no one did, the plane taxied to the farthest area away from the terminal and ordered an emergency evacuation.
“It was pretty scary, we all thought that the plane was on fire or something.”
“But as we were walking back to the terminal the plane taxied by us and the pilot flipped us the Bird.”
“Welcome the the friendly skies of profit over people airlines.”
April 9th, 2017
Shayrat Airbase, Syria: The worlds airlines are feeling very reassured that an escalation of world tensions will not affect their operations after US President Trump ordered an attack of the Shayrat air base in Syria using Tomahawk cruise missiles. The base was back in operation so fast that it had to scramble to find any pilots to fly missions. They had all gone home thinking that they had a lengthy lay off from their job of killing helpless civilians who oppose the government.
The airfield was remarkably unscathed by the onslaught of 59, 1000 pound warhead tipped Tomahawks.
Travel industry spokesman, Gratis Surcharge, was quoted as saying in an interview with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, that “It is nice to know a possible increase in global tensions will not affect the air travel and tourism industries.”
White House communications director Sean Spicer released a statement:
“The President wanted to send the message that it is now possible with modern weapons to actually go to war and not destroy valuable assets like airports, port facilities, power plants, factories, and the other countries infrastructure like banks and hotels. We can focus on killing civilians and leave expensive equipment and casino’s owned by large banks and corporations unscathed.”
The President even tweeted about it:
April 7th, 2017
Near Earth Orbit: Military experts announced that the US has used its newly operational Death Star located in Earth orbit to attack a Syrian airbase. The Pentagon’s official statement is that the attack was a Tomahawk cruise missile strike.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to make contact with the Pentagons Missile Defense Agency director Dr Strangelove. When asked what all this means, Strangelove replied:
“MOCKSHAM! Vee now have zzzeeee…Ugh, aghk unhhh…Death Star. It iz…OPERATIONAL!”
“But vee cannot….Allow zis to become….ugh…aghk….known. So ze cruz mizzles will be blamed for ze…”
White House communications director Sean Spicer officially denied that the US had attacked Syria and accused the “Fake news media of fabricating the whole thing for ratings.”
April 6th, 2017
Earth Near Orbit: Galactic Empire Emperor Palpatine shocked the Galaxy with claims that Obama administration National Security Adviser, Susan Rice, unmasked him and gained access to his personal and private activities.
The Dark Lord held a press conference and blamed the Obama administration for trying to spy on him and his galactic empire.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to meet up with Emperor Palpatine while he was on Earth, meeting with world leaders in an undisclosed location in a major world capitol.
When asked why what Susan Rice did was any different than what any other NSA head would do, the Emperor said:
“ I grow tired of this planets petty partisan politics. I could care less if you unmask me as the Galactic Emperor. Yes, I also dealt with Putin. And Merkel. And Xi Jinping. Why wouldn’t I?
“But now I have to deal with that Idiot Trump. So I have to direct attention away from his stupidity by having him still blame everything on Obama.”
“But what really made me laugh was when Trump tried to unmask Lord Vader.”
“We are all still laughing about that one.”
New York, NY: Fox News Corp, a subsidiary of 21st Century Fox, announced today that it was moving notorious misogynist and political news fabricator/anchor Bill O’Reilly to a new adult news show that will air late at night.
The move was aimed at stopping the hemorrhage of advertisers away from O’Reilly due to his multi million dollar settling of an orgy of sexual harassment lawsuits brought forward by former female employees of his show.
O’Reilly refused to meet with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham and his office had no comment.
A source at Fox News who wanted to remain anonymous told the RFN this:
“The network had to do something. He has very high ratings. They realize that even though he is a total pig, he has loyal viewers.”
“Our marketing people hooked up and banged out a bold solution. A new late night “Adult swim” type of news show that will appeal to his loyal viewers, while at the same time attracting younger, sexier, open minded Americans who like an edgier hard core news show.”
“We have already picked up a whole new batch of advertising from Viagra, Cialis, Playboy, Maxxim, Penthouse, Porn Hub and many condom and adult sex toy manufacturers.”
“The new show will be called “The Sin Zone with Bill O’Reilly.”
Washington DC: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell threatened to destroy Senate democrats with a tactical nuclear device over the vote for Supreme Court Justice nominee Neil Gorsuch.
“I have no problem nuking this chamber to get rid of a Democratic filibuster” McConnell squealed in his high pitched turtle voice. “If they want war then I will give them war!”
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to meet up with the Kentucky Senator inside of his DC area home where he spends most of his time in a temperature controlled aquarium inside of his protective shell. When he asked why the Nuclear option was on the table, McConnell replied:
“These asinine Liberals don’t have any power anymore. They are in the minority and I hate minorities. If this bunch of Miscegenates wants to challenge my superiority over this chamber, then I will lay them to waste.”
When informed that the ‘Nuclear’ option is just a metaphor and not an actual weapon that he can use to destroy minority, mixed race and liberal Senators, McConnell lashed out:
“Don’t you toy with me Mocksham. I have been working with weapons experts at the NRA and KKK and we have developed a tactical partisan nuclear device designed to end the scourge of minority interference in my chamber.”
“We have named it the “Filibuster Buster Bomb.”
“My turtle shell will protect me and all of the Senators that have pure conservative white or turtle DNA.”
“Read my beak Mocksham, Gorsuch will be approved.”