Month: June 2017

GOP Senator Palpatine Moves His Healthcare Bill Towards A Vote

June 25th, 2017

Washington, DC: The GOP controlled US senate has moved a step closer to their dream of finally repealing and replacing the ACA, or Obamacare. GOP senator Palpatine has been the force behind the new legislation.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted an interview with the senator in his capitol office. When asked why he is supporting a healthcare bill that will leave millions of low income and elderly Americans without coverage he answered:

“Do you feel the hate? … It is the source of my strength. Americans hate me. No matter. Today I have the power of life and death over my constituents.”

“Their fear and loathing makes me glow with power” he proclaimed as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

The masses have no need for medicaid any longer. Their suffering is how a society becomes stronger Mocksham.”

“McConnell thinks that these were his ideas, when in fact they were mine, cleverly suggested to him so that he could feed them back to me. Also, Trump is weak and far too trusting…”

“Yes Mocksham, I sense your anger, YES….LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOU.”

“Now, can you see the futility of taxing wealthy Americans to care for the sick?”

“Join me with your real fake news Andy, and together we will be unstoppable!”

Palpatine bolts

Mocksham6

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Trump Cancels Deal With Cuba, Names Marco Rubio As Governor Of New Colony

June 17th, 2017

Miami, Florida: President Trump fulfilled his campaign promise to repeal the Obama deal that removed the decades old embargo on the tropical nation and US neighbor, Cuba. He then declared it a US colony and named Florida senator Marco Rubio it’s new colonial governor.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham flew to Miami for the speech and then met up with the President. When asked why he declared Cuba a US colony, Trump responded:

“Cuba is a huge mess Mocksham. I remember back in the day in the 1950’s when Bautista was the President. US corporations ran the island and made 90% of the profits. There were bigly casinos and tons of profit. It was so amazing, that I can tell you”

I am going to make Cuba great again.”

When reminded that back then the island was uneducated and impoverished, and that today Cuba now has the highest literacy rate and best medical care in Latin America, the President responded:

“Literacy schmiteracy. What good is education and good health to US corporations?”

“Profits Mocksham”

“Profits”

“Marco will whip big Havana into shape just like he did little Havana”

“Viva Cuba!”

Attorney General Sessions Says He Has Been Diagnosed With “Trumpmentia”

June 14th, 2017

Washington, DC: After a lack of forthcoming during a Senate intelligence committee hearing, attorney general Jeff Sessions admitted to having a medical condition that his doctors say is directly caused by his job.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a ‘one on one’ with the attorney general after the hearing. He asked Sessions why he refused to answer so many questions, or could not remember so many major details about important meetings with Russians.

“Mocksham, I hate to admit it, but dawg nabbit I have been diagnosed with a serious new specific type of memory loss by my neurologist. He calls it ‘Trumpmentia’.”

“ It specifically affects the smack dab middle part of my brain that helps me remember specific details about President…Whatever his name is, and anything that he has to do with the Russians.”

“Now I am not just some old cat trying to cover up his poop on a wood floor Mocksham, I honestly can’t remember the Presidents name right now, or even where Russia is on a map.”

“I gotta skidaddle, my agent is calling. He says that I have been offered the role of “Granny” on the new remake of the Beverly Hillbillies TV show!”

“Now ain’t that sumpin?”

Sessions granny

GOP Makes Fashion Statement

June 9th, 2017

Washington, DC: The RNC held a fashion shoot at it’s DC headquarters in an attempt to make the party seem more relevant to today’s young millennial voters. The new craze in men’s fashion called the “Romper” was the main clothing item used.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham attended the fashion shoot and afterwords he asked the organizer, White House chief of staff and former RNC chairman Reince Priebus how this all came about.

“I felt we needed to connect with the new hip Republican voter” Preibus explained.

“Fashion is one of the ways to stay current and keep cred with our peeps” he said with a wink.

When asked who designed the line of rompers that were used in the fashion shoot, Preibus replied:

“It started out as a collaboration between myself and the President’s daughter Ivanka. But she took control of the whole thing eventually.”

“She felt that the see through lace rompers would appeal to the younger American voter who was curious as to how conservatives really looked underneath the veil of politics and government.”

“I think we look fantabulous.”

“Ivanka really takes after her dad when it comes to making great things happen.”

Trump Tweets That He Is The Walrus

June 7th, 2017

Washington, DC:   President Trump set the twitter sphere bonkers early this morning with a mysterious tweet that evoked the Beatles 1967 album and movie “Magical Mystery Tour.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham immediately contacted the president on his unsecured Samsung Galaxy phone to ask him what was the meaning of the tweet before he could forget that he tweeted it. He responded:

“I am on a magical mystery tour Mocksham. I don’t know where I am or what I am doing here”

“I am the Egg man.”

“I am the Walrus.”

“Coocookachu.”

The call was then disconnected.

Trump tweet walrus

Trump Walrus 2