Month: July 2017

Jared Kushner Says His Only “Secret” Is His Deodorant.

July 25th, 2017

Washington, DC:    During a Senate intelligence committee hearing yesterday on possible collusion and obstruction of justice during the 2016 elections, Jared Kushner stated that the only secret he is hiding from the world is his love of ladies marketed deodorant.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a post-hearing quick one on one with the elusive son in law of the President. When asked about serious omissions on his SF-86, the US government security clearance application form, Kushner responded:

“So I forgot to mention that I like Secret. Big deal Mocksham. I am quite sure that there are plenty of men in this world whos big secret is smelling powder fresh.”

“My secret just happens to be the #1 selling deodorant for both sexes in Russia. And all of my meetings with the Russians during the campaign was to finalize an agreement on Ivanka’s and my own upcoming advertising campaign that will link Secret with her amazing line of clothes and accessories.”

“Big sellers in Russia Mocksham. Huge.”

When asked if Ivanka also has a love for secret, Kushner replied:

“She takes after her father and Putin. She uses AXE.”

jared and ivanka


Senate Proposes ‘McCain’ Health Care Reform Bill Based On The Senates Own Coverage.

July20th, 2017

Washington DC:    Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R Ky) shocked the country today when he announced a new comprehensive health care plan based on his and other senators own coverage.

The new bill named the ‘McCain Health Care Reform Act of 2017’ was announced by McConnell in a statement to the media.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the senator from Kentucky and before any questions were asked, McConnell spoke about the stunning new legislation:

“Mocksham, I know what you are going to ask, and all I am going to say is that it would be the height of cynicism to just repeal the ACA while one of our own is enjoying stellar coverage that taxpayers are subsidizing without making that coverage available to every American without restriction.”

When asked how the new plan will be funded McConnell said;

“That was the easy part. We just removed the income ceiling on the Social Security and Medicare payroll tax.”

“Now every American will pay the same tax on 100% of their income. Not a fraction of it like Millionaires, Billionaires and our President and his cabinet do.”

“I will no doubt be out of a job next election cycle when my own party and Fox news tell my constituents to vote against me and their own best interests next primary.”

“I have nothing to lose really since this bill has no chance in hell of ever passing through a Republican Congress and being signed into law by Trump.”

“That is how the sausage gets made Mocksham. It’s a bloody mess made from the carnage of average Americans.”

“But Americans gobble it up.”


Grim Reaper Praises Latest GOP Senate Health Care Plan

July 14th, 2017

Washington, DC:     The Grim Reaper broke his timeless silence today and came out in support of Republican Senator Mitch McConnell’s revised GOP health care plan. Death has never openly supported any legislation, nor even felt that it was necessary.

Death granted a first time interview with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham at his office inside of Senator McConnell’s DC home. When asked why he felt that it was time to speak out in favor of this or any legislation, Mr. Reaper spoke:

“Mocksham, death is not to be feared. Put away your crucifix, it has no power over me. I am breaking my silence because I want people to stop fighting me. For centuries I could always depend on the old ways. Plague, pestilence, war, murder and so on. But along comes modern medicine and this God-forsaken socialism.”

“Today, people have longer lifespans. Vaccines and antibiotics have made my job a lot harder Mocksham. Government health care plans have made life-saving medicine affordable to the masses. Government scientists can isolate new viruses like Ebola and SARS right away and stop me in my tracks.”

“The WWW has connected people all over the world and made it harder to hate each other. War will soon become obsolete. Jesus H Christ I can’t even get anyone to start WWIII in the Middle East or Korea!!

“So my last hope is to make people fear government health care in the USA and make costs in the US become so expensive that people just decide to come with me right away when they get sick and receive their first set of medical billing statements.”

“My next move will be to get the GOP to make medical bills exempt from bankruptcy law in the USA.”

“I will not be denied my harvest Mocksham.”


President Trump Gets Bumped From Air Force One After it is Privatized To United Airlines.

July 13th, 2017

Andrews Air Force Base, Va: President Trump was bumped off of Air Force One on its flight to Paris, France yesterday by United Airlines after it was awarded the contract to operate all of the US Air Force Special Air Mission aircraft and operations. The President was flown to Paris on a later flight.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was also on board Air Force One and was one of the passengers bumped by the strict United SAM seating rules. He later asked United Spokesperson Gratis Surcharge why the President and others were told that they had to disembark and catch a later flight:

“Our Air Force Special Air mission contract was specifically designed to make transporting executive branch personnel profitable. This made it necessary to charter out the service. The White House travel staff did not book out this flight fast enough so someone else had priority.”

When asked who booked ahead of the White House, Surcharge said:

“The Kremlin needed a bigger plane to carry all of the Russian lawyers and media.”

“Turns out that Putin really loves Air Force one and United Airlines.”

Putin air force one

President Trump Names Man Who Claims That NASA Faked The Moon Landings To Investigate Child Slave Labor Camps On Mars.

July 1st, 2017

Area 51, Nevada: President Trump signed an executive order today that places conspiracy enthusiast and rabid Trump supporter, Infowars host Alex Jones, as the chairman of a new commission that will investigate charges that NASA is running a child slave labor camp on Mars. In 2014 Jones claimed that there was proof that NASA faked the moon landings.

In a statement to the media, Trump said that “ I can’t think of a better person to investigate this bigly horrible camp that NASA has built on Mars that uses child slave labor than my great friend Alex Jones.”

“He is very smartly, that I can assure you”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was at Area 51 and was able to ask Jones a few questions.
When asked why NASA would fake the moon landings and simultaneously still be able to have a child slave labor camp on Mars, Jones responded:

“The facts are the facts. Just because you don’t believe them does not mean that they are not still facts. And the facts are that NASA faked the moon landings because they don’t want people to know that the Clintons are running child slave labor camps on Mars,  dumb ass.”

When asked what the Clinton child slaves on Mars are working on Jones answered:

“Well, first of all, the Clinton’s used their evil foundation to create these horrible child slave labor camps on Mars. That we know. They are being used for so many evil things. Like being trained as assassins. Senator Ted Cruz’s dad was trained as a child on Mars to assassinate President Kennedy for instance.”

“And these child slaves build the weather control machines that steer tornadoes and hurricanes into the red states to punish those God-fearing conservatives.”

“They are also used as guinea pigs for new vaccines to create an autistic race of humans.”

“They are being used as illegal voters that vote for liberals.”

“These child slaves on Mars even remotely flew the planes that attacked the US on 9/11”

When asked why no other news source on the planet can verify any of these crazy wild conspiracies Jones became angry:

“You mad bro because your real fake news didn’t break this story? Have you been eating the gay frogs that are grown on Mars by these poor slave children?