Month: October 2017

Homeland Security and FDA Recall Killer GMO Pumpkins

October 31st, 2017

Morton, Illinois:    Federal officials from the FDA and Homeland security placed an emergency recall on GMO pumpkins that have attacked several people in the Midwest USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was dispatched to the pumpkin capitol of the world, Morton, Illinois, to investigate this gruesome, frightening story.

Mockshams investigation uncovered some startling details about genetically modified pumpkins that have not been approved by the FDA. A large local pumpkin grower, Jack Lantern, is believed to have modified the DNA of prized local pumpkins with that of the deadliest fresh water fish on earth, the Piranha.

Mocksham was only allowed a short interview with Mr Lantern.

“Nice to finally meet you Mocksham. Nice jacket and hat by the way. OK, my 12 year old daughter is a genius. She loves pumpkins and for some reason, Piranha. I thank Animal Planet for that. Anyways, she discovered a gene in a very deadly species of Piranha that makes them aggressive towards its traditional pests out in the rivers of south America during breeding season.”

“She took that gene and spliced it into the genes that produce the same response in pumpkins and other gourds during their breeding season. It’s as simple as that.”

When asked if they did any trials before selling the GMO pumpkins, Lantern responded;

“Of course we did. It worked flawlessly. We used no pesticides whatsoever and our crop quadrupled. For the first time we were able to get our organic application and begin the process to get certified.”

“It was like a miracle until two days ago when the shit hit the fan and people who purchased them started to get attacked and become dismembered.”

“We were just about to modify giant pumpkins with the same genes right before Homeland security shut us down.”

“Damn, that would have been just ghastly if an army of giant flesh eating pumpkins ever got loose.”

“I guess this explains the disappearance of several field workers the last two harvesting seasons. We thought they were just afraid of Trump and ICE.  Guess the joke is on us. Whoops.”

“Happy Halloween.”

Mocksham17

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House Intelligence Committee begins Impeachment Hearings on Clinton and Obama

October 27th, 2017

Washington DC: GOP house intelligence committee chairman Devin Nunes, R-Ca, said today that he was launching two new investigations that could lead to the impeachment of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham immediately cornered Rep Nunes as he was departing the capitol.

When asked why he was holding impeachment hearings on a former President and a private citizen that never held the office, Nunes responded:

“What are you talking about Mocksham? I am the chairman of the intelligence committee. I know who I can impeach and who I can’t. I can impeach whoever I want. I can go back in time and impeach Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter if I want to. FDR. I can impeach your mom if you don’t leave me alone.”

When informed that impeachment can only be performed on an acting President, Nunes responded:

“ Stop being a smart ass. Are you the chairman of the intelligence committee? No. I am.”

“I am smarter than you, so go away and leave me alone with your fake news or I will impeach you too.”

“Nah-Na-na-na-na.”
obama and hillary laughing

Trump Appoints Dr Strangelove As Head Of The “Deep State Secret Shadow Government”

October 6th, 2017. Washington, DC:     President Trump today named Dr Strangelove as his choice to head the “Deep state” shadow government that everyone on conservative media has been saying exists.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was back in the US capital and reached the President on his still unsecured Samsung Galaxy smart phone. He asked Trump why he would appoint someone to head a federal agency that many call a hoax.

“First of all, welcome back Mocksham, sorry about your dog or dad, whoever died. Whatever.”

“Just because people say there is no shadow deep state doesn’t mean that deep state shadows don’t exist. I see deep shadows all over the White House, even after I had it remodeled this summer with gold plating. Very creepy Mocksham, let me tell you.”

When reporter Mocksham asked the President why he chose Dr Stranglove to head an invisible, murky, non existent government, Trump responded;

“Strangelove gets the job done. How many North Korean missiles have hit our tremendous country since I placed him in charge of Star Wars Missile defense? None. He’s the best at all this deep shadowy stuff, the best. That I can assure you.”

When reached by phone and asked about his appointment, Dr Strangelove replied;

“ Vell, dis iz..iz..iz…VELLY STLANGE to say ze leezt…UGGHH..AHK..HaHaHa…I apologize..My hand haz a mind of itz own…Hahaha…. 20170930_210142
“BUT I VILL SAY DIZ…..UGGH….If Mein Fuhrer Vantz me to lead Ze Vay into Ze Deep Shadows I ACCEPT!..HaHaHa!”

“Ha…HaHaHa…Ha!” 20170930_205738(1)

shadow government