Month: November 2017

West Coast North Americans Feel Safer Now That North Korean Missiles Can Reach The East Coast

November 28th, 2017

Seattle, WA:   Residents all along the west coast of North America are sleeping easier now that North Korea has successfully tested a missile that can reach Washington DC.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to Seattle, in Washington State, to ask everyday Americans who live there how they felt about the news.

James Barrister, an attorney, said this “ I am equivocally ambiguous about this. I find it dubious and vague. The facts in question, for instance, the estimated distance that the missile can travel, are tenebrous and amphibological. I think your question is ambivalent and puzzling, to say the least Mocksham.”
lawyer in suit

Dawn Freeware, an internet hacker, said this “Being a hacktivist, I am amazed that people are still afraid of missiles. There are Zero-day exploit rootkits out there designed by 15-year-old Script Kiddies living in their grannies basement with a logic bomb that has a payload big enough to shut down the entire electrical grid.”
techie girl

Ail Dihedral, A Boeing employee, said this “I’m not too worried about it. But yeah, it’s nice that they can reach South Carolina and our scab factory that builds the Dreamliner. Knock it out LOL”
aerospace worker

Brigitte Demitasse, a coffee barista, said this “ I try to not get all steamed up about things like this. Is North Korean coffee even fair trade?
lady barista

Bubba Klinefelter, a recent transplant from Alabama, said this “I sure wish those missiles would still hit here where all the damn liberals live.”
alabama jersey

When asked why he moved to the area Bubba said: “Jesus H Christ Mocksham the minimum wage here is double what it is in Birmingham, plus I can buy weed in a shop down the street and get married to my boyfriend, Pedro.”

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Trump Becomes Member Of Putins Hair Club

November 26th, 2017

Washington, DC:     White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement today saying that President Trump has been persuaded to change his hairstyle. She also admitted that the new hair style was recommended to the President by none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was the first reporter to notice the Presidents new locks which prompted the press release. He was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smartphone. When asked by Mocksham why he decided to finally change his hairstyle, Trump answered;

“Thanks for noticing my new hair, Andy. It’s nice when people notice subtle differences in other peoples amazing hair, like mine. I really do have incredible hair, famous, iconic hair.”

“But since I always try to stay current with the top fashion styles, I changed my hair like I always do this time of year.”

When Mocksham pointed out that the Presidents hair has looked the same since the 1970’s, Trump fired back;

“That is so not true! Every Thanksgiving I part my hair on the other side. It alternates. Right, left, right, left. Just like my politics. No one ever cared before because the fake news ignored me until I became the President. I am now a Republican so I can’t change my part from the right to the left and I had to try something different.”

“Vlady recommended that I try his hair club. I checked out a few systems online and even though my hair club is the best, his is also the best. We are both the best. And so is our hair.”

“But Vlady convinced me to join his tremendous hair club, the “Hair Club for Czars.”

“Any man can be a member of a hair club for ordinary men Andy, but only great leaders can be in a hair club for Czars.”

Hair club for Czars and Russian President Putin
putin confident

Wild Turkey Terror Group Threatens To Disrupt Shipping This December

November 24th, 2017

Washington DC:    The department of homeland security today said that a domestic terror group of wild turkeys is threatening to disrupt shipping all across the USA during the busiest time of year for commerce. The group calls itself T.U.R.K.Y.

Homeland security says that their announcement correlates with a series of daring attacks across the USA on delivery drivers from the Postal Service, FedEx, and UPS. In their most brazen attack to date, a FedEx cargo jet had to abort takeoff after a large flock of wild turkeys flew into its path. Surveillance video footage shows wild turkeys stealing packages placed on front porches by delivery drivers all across the USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham met up with the leader of the T.U.R.K.Y. terror group, Jake Butterball, at a secret location. He asked him why wild turkeys were disrupting commerce.

“We turkeys have been getting plucked and feathered by the man for far too long Mocksham.”

“It first started way back when Benjamin Franklin wanted to make Wild Turkey the symbol of the new country and was overruled in favor of the Bald Eagle. Then the man began to capture us and domesticated us for profit.”

“The final straw was when the man started to promote Christmas and all of that rampant consumerism right after Halloween. Thanksgiving is our time to be honored by the man, and he mocks us with Christmas.”

“We, the warriors of T.U.R.K.Y. will never let that happen! GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE, GOBBLE.”

T.U.R.K.Y. leader Jake Butterball
turkey face

T.U.R.K.Y members blocking delivery trucks
turkeys threaten deliverys

turkeys threaten deliverys3

turkeys threaten deliverys 4

fed ex turkey

Members of T.U.R.K.Y jumped in front of this vehicle on icy roads causing this crash.
ups-snow-crash

FedEx cargo jet aborts takeoff after members of T.U.R.K.Y  flew into it’s path.
fed ex

Air Force One Making Large Penises All Over The Globe

November 18th, 2017
Andrews Air Force Base, Maryland:    Reports and photos from around the globe show Air Force One drawing large penises in the sky whenever President Trump is on board. At first, the Air Forces Special Air Mission Command denied the accusations or tried to place the blame on other rogue pilots on training missions, but recent photos clearly show the phallus-shaped jet streams appearing wherever Air Force One goes.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to the headquarters of the Special Air Mission at Andrews Air Force base and was granted an interview with the Air Mobility Command spokesperson, Lt Bullocks.

When asked why the pilots were drawing the penises and who was authorizing them to do so, Lt Bullocks said:

“The Commander and Chief.”

“The President?”

“Yes Mocksham, the President is the Commander and Chief.”

“President Trump is fixated on the size of his hands and his, well…Tallywacker. In fact, that is the official code name for the maneuver that is executed to make the drawings. The Tallywacker.”

“Once he found out that the maneuver is practiced by all military pilots he insisted on it becoming his trademark whenever Air Force One departs a destination, weather permitting of course.”

“The pilots are instructed to execute the Tallywacker maneuver so that it is pointing in the direction of Trump Tower in New York City. The President actually rates the pilots on how well they perform the maneuver and gives his favorites new call signs.”

“His current top pilot designation is “Skyscraper.”

Trump and “Skyscraper”
skyscraper pilot designation

Trump and Putin Tie For First Place on Project Runway

November 12th, 2017

Danang, Vietnam:      In last nights season finale of project runway, a fashion design competition reality show, Russian and American Presidents Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump tied for first place and were named co-winners of the competition.

The final competition was to see who could design the best traditional Vietnamese shirt. The judges could not decide which was best between the two competing designs. Controversy followed the show as rumors spread that Putin had aided Trump in his design and had influenced the judging.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was at the show and afterward asked a few questions for The winners regarding the final outcome. When asked if Putin had interfered in the judge’s decision Trump responded;

“Listen here Andy, I have to say that we both looked fantastic. Vlady and I should both have won with these designs and he assured me that he did not have anything to do with it. I believe him.”

I know that our designs are practically identical, so what? Great minds think alike right?”

When asked the same question, Putin answered;

“Have you ever tried to design an award-winning garment under the pressure of competition Mocksham? If not I can arrange that experience for you if you don’t stop asking so many ridiculous questions for your fake news.”

“Besides this happened before with my good friend George W. Bush and no one questioned the outcome back then. Why such a big deal now?

“Run along now and play fake news with the losers.”

bush n putin twinning