June 25th, 2017
Washington, DC: The GOP controlled US senate has moved a step closer to their dream of finally repealing and replacing the ACA, or Obamacare. GOP senator Palpatine has been the force behind the new legislation.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted an interview with the senator in his capitol office. When asked why he is supporting a healthcare bill that will leave millions of low income and elderly Americans without coverage he answered:
“Do you feel the hate? … It is the source of my strength. Americans hate me. No matter. Today I have the power of life and death over my constituents.”
“Their fear and loathing makes me glow with power” he proclaimed as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
“The masses have no need for medicaid any longer. Their suffering is how a society becomes stronger Mocksham.”
“McConnell thinks that these were his ideas, when in fact they were mine, cleverly suggested to him so that he could feed them back to me. Also, Trump is weak and far too trusting…”
“Yes Mocksham, I sense your anger, YES….LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOU.”
“Now, can you see the futility of taxing wealthy Americans to care for the sick?”
“Join me with your real fake news Andy, and together we will be unstoppable!”
May 11th, 2017
Washington, DC: After calling all the top US Generals “Incompetent” for not eliminating ISIS and disarming North Korea during his first 100 days in office, President Trump has signed an executive order that eliminates the entire Joint Chiefs of Staff.
He immediately signed a second one that proclaimed himself to not only be commander and chief of the armed forces, but a General and “Supreme Leader.”
His first decree was to have the White House landscapers remove existing landscaping and replace it with hundreds of banana trees. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Samsung Galaxy phone. He asked the President why.
“Mocksham, this a great country. The best, that I can tell you. But we have weak institutions. I am going to make them stronger and better.”
“The Generals don’t know how to win anymore. We haven’t won in a long time Mocksham. I will be the best General. I know more than them losers anyways. I watch Fox news and don’t read the fake news like your silly news.”
“Why banana trees? What a silly question! Bananas are the symbol of a great republic Mocksham, and I am going to make America great again. I promised to make America great again and great it will be!
“Ivanka and Jared have purchased the Banana Republic brand, it is such an iconic brand. It will be our brand. Americas brand.”
“We will be the greatest Banana Republic ever, that I can assure you.”
May 1st, 2017
Paramus, New Jersey: Local Paramus NJ resident Beldar Conehead has placed his much loved and rare family entertainment center from his home planet of Remulak for sale on E bay.
Conehead owns the original patent and prototype for the futuristic Kuba Comet combination Am/FM, 8 track player, multi-speed turntable and color 19 inch television set.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham saw the ad on E bay and immediately contacted his old friend to ask him why he wanted to sell his rare and cherished possession:
“It is hard to say good bye to an old friend Mocksham. We brought Kuba with us from Remulak when we relocated to earth for good. It has been a faithful companion for many, many Zurls.”
“But now we have grandchildren and they are more interested in mass quantities of entertainment from less elegant and tasteful devices created here on Earth.”
“Also Prymaat told me to sell it. She wants a new Samsung 65 inch ultra 4K television that she saw in the big store of mass quantity, Costco.”
“If any Earthlings are interested in the Kuba Comet from Remulak, it is all original. All tubes and transistors have been upgraded and meet with current strict Remulakian standards for consumer electronic devices.”
“It also has a special feature that I have added that no other Kuba Comet has. On my home planet when the three moons align we have a great festival culminated by a traditional battle of chosen ones who Narfle the Garthok. It is pay per view on Remulak but I have hacked the codes and this TV shows it live every month.”
“My Narfle is still the best. It was a hole in one.”
Mr and Mrs Conehead with daughter Connie
January 20th, 2018
Washington, DC: After decades of campaign rhetoric denouncing the ineffectiveness of big government, the GOP is beaming about the current complete dysfunction and incompetence in DC. Their mutual historical incompetence is now culminating in a government shutdown to mark the one year anniversary of the GOP controlling both houses of congress and the executive branch.
Republicans are very proud of the mess that they have made with the federal government. Conservative legislators and pundits alike are quick to boast about how ineffective and weak the federal government has become.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham had lunch at the Capitol cafeteria and spoke to several administration and legislative Republican leaders. When asked about their historically bad execution and lack of clear leadership in all phases of the federal government, they all agreed that it was a job well done.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions: “I’ve been telling you for years Mocksham that big government is a creepy swamp creature from the deepest darkest bayou.”
Vice President Pence: “Big government is evil, I am talking Old Testament Evil Mocksham.
King Solomons court on Viagra.”
Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell: “Stop whining people. This is what bad government does. This is what you elected Republicans to do. Stop acting so shocked.”
House Speaker Paul Ryan: “ I have worked so hard my entire political life to be here and play such an important role in this historical moment of government incompetence. I want to thank my constituents for being ignorant enough to keep electing me.”
“You get what you vote for.”
April 20th, 2017
Washington, DC: The Trump administration celebrated national 4:20 day by openly smoking marijuana for the first time. The President decided to embrace the future for at least one day, but vowed to bring back all of the old destructive “War on drugs” lunacy as soon as everyone “becomes assholes again” after mellowing out for 24 hours.
Attorney General Jeff Sessions, an avid 19th century prohibition enthusiast, met up for a one on one with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham for a Q & A at the White House. When asked how he liked cannabis, Sessions responded:
“Hahahaha…You fake news people make me laugh…Hahahaha….But seriously Mocksham…”
“What was your question?”
When Mocksham repeated his question, Sessions put the reefer joint back in his mouth and inhaled deeply. Then he answered:
“Oh Yeah! Hot Damn! Hahaha…I love this stuff! Always have hahaha…But till these legal reefer guys start lobbying and paying up, It’s Dirty Harry time hahaha….”
“Jumpin Jambalaya! I feel like a million bucks!”
“The private prison guys write me blank checks.”
“PAY UP Colorado and Washington!”
“Where is my lighter Mocksham?”
“And where is my bag of cheetos?”
“I haven’t had this much fun since election night…Did I just say that?
March 18th, 2017
Washington, DC: The White House today released President Trumps third Executive Order banning travel. The new Order also banned travel to and from the USA by citizens in three states that challenged the Presidents first two travel bans in court on a constitutional basis.
The information release also stated that the new ban was not “static”, and that it could evolve to include other US states that dared challenge the President in “Those horrible, horrible, courts with totally loser Judges that think they are more important than the President.”
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to have an espresso in the Olympia, Washington state capitol with that state Attorney General, Bob Ferguson. When asked how he plans to respond to the new executive order, Ferguson replied,
“Andy, we are not too worried about it. There is no way that the executive branch can possibly think that it can ban travel from states in the USA. This will be a slam dunk when we file.”
“Besides, we noticed that the fine print in the Presidents Executive order said Washington ‘DC’ instead of Washington state.”
“Also, it spelled Hawaii with a ‘V’ instead of a ‘W’ and used an ‘S’ in Maryland.”
“So the order is actually banning travel from DC, Havaii and Marysland.”
March 9th, 2017
Washington, DC: US President Trump, who loves to be paid licensing fee’s whenever someone wants his brand on something, said today that he will place his name on the new GOP health care bill called the “American Health Care Act” if paid a large enough licensing fee.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham asked the President today why the new bill was not called “Trump Care” like the ACA was named after his predecessor President Obama.
“Obama is not a business man Mocksham. He had no idea how to profit from this office. I am the most powerful man in the world and I will not put my name on this piece of crap legislation unless the lobbyists pay me to do it.”
“How big of a fee? I will take 10% of whatever the Health Insurance companies get in profit from the bill. Should be a very bigly fee. Tremendous. Yuuuge”
“I am not interested in notoriety unless I am getting paid to be notorious. These lobbyists get paid a lot of money, I know, I have spent a lot of green on them in my life.”
“It’s payback time bitches.”