Category: Space

Martian Great Leader Condemns “Attack” On His Planet

November 27th, 2018

Pasadena, California:    Flight controllers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion lab yesterday leaped into the air and celebrated wildly as NASA’s Mars InSight probe landed successfully on the planets red surface.

The joy and sweet taste of victory were short-lived however as the first images taken from the probe were transmitted and received at the flight control center.

They clearly showed a crowd of Martians protesting the arrival of yet another lander and research probe from Earth on their planet.

mars for martians

Less than an hour later a video message from the Martian great leader known only as ‘Ack-Ack-AckAckAck’ was received by NASA technicians and relayed to the White House, State Department, and Pentagon.

NASA translated the message;

“Mars will no longer accept the constant violation of our proud patriot heritage by small-skull zealot explorers from Earth. We have watched with much patience as you have spent decades probing our weaknesses and resources with lander after lander. First the Viking landers, all the way to today’s probe.”

“Your probes will eventually steal our jobs, they will rape our landscape, they bring microbes and viruses into our atmosphere. Some of them are good probes, I assume, but most of them are very, very, very bad probes.”

mars insight.1

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was at the Jet Propulsion Lab and was given access to a communications station by NASA. He asked if ‘Ack-Ack-AckAckAck’ would agree to an interview. He responded that he would.

When asked why he felt that Earth was attacking Mars he replied;

“Your planets landers, rovers and probes are all undocumented alien spacecraft that are violating our planets immigration laws. If they want to live on Mars then they need to stay on Earth and apply for legal immigrant and resident status.”

“I believe my intelligence sources when they tell me that this InSight probe is designed by fossil fuel companies and is specifically engineered to drill deep into our planet to access our oil capacity.  Fossil fuel use almost destroyed our planet and atmosphere and we will not simply sit back and let you use the rest to help destroy Earths and what is left of Mars.”

“Besides, tell your Yankee leader that we do not accept his kind on Mars.  We are a red planet and not an orange one.”

Advertisements

Cinco De Mayo Celebrated At Area 51

May 5th, 2018

Area 51, Nevada: Area 51 is having its annual Cinco De Mayo festivities located inside the secret compounds underground bar.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham is always invited to the 51 Cinco fest or ‘Cenyohual’ (‘all night’ in the native Mexican ancient Nahuatl alien language) and this year he is attending the festival.

The party is just as much a secret to the outside world as the mysterious area 51 itself. It has become a very well attended festival with party goers from the entire galaxy, further distant galaxies, as well as earthlings from various places in time.

This is an exclusive report from the Real Fake news.

The ‘Cenyohual’ festival was started many millennia ago when Earth was very primitive, with humans still not able to even make fire, or grow food.

The first Aliens who visited Earth built the huge pyramid complexes all over the planet, and Mexico was where their off-world government was located here on Earth. ‘Cenyohual’ was the very first annual celebration of good fortune for the newcomers. It traditionally lasted all night long. Tequila, the most popular ‘Cenyohual’ beverage, was originally brought to Earth, cultivated and distilled by the Tau’ri people many centuries BC.

Pyramid-of-the-Sun-Mexico-728x403

Now that area 51 exists, the party has been kept secluded and hidden inside the vast underground facility.

So far tonight the ambassador of Tau’ri, has drunk the most tequila at the party. It is a tradition that he do so.

tau'ri ambassador

One of the bartenders has been sent home after being nearly asphyxiated to death by a slightly miffed Darth Vader.

darth vader lack of tequila

The original Enterprise crew, NCC-1701, has sent a message from deep space to all the partygoers wishing them a great Cenyohual festival.

Enterprise bridge sombrero

As well as later versions of the crew. This was the message from the Enterprise NCC-1701-D. The Cenyohual celebration is the only time that Star Fleet will authorize any temporal manipulations.

next generation with sombreros

Our Reporter Andy Mocksham is still at the party. He has been challenged to a lightsaber battle by Luke Skywalker.luke skywalker sombrero

The entire RFN team wishes everyone a safe and fun Cinco de Mayo, or ‘Cenyohual.’

Stay tuned for updates.

Update: May 6th, 2018. The hungover Tau’ri ambassador is soaking in the hot Nevada sun, sweating out the remaining tequila and drinking coconut water.

alien hangover

Trump Orders NASA To Build Golf Resort On Mars.

March 18th, 2018

Washington, DC:   The White House announced that President Trump has signed an executive order that gives the space agency authorization to build a golf resort on Mars. The order comes on the heels of Trump’s announcement that he plans to build a “Space Force” to defend his golf resorts here on Earth.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his unsecured Galaxy phone and asked him why NASA should build a golf resort on Mars. He responded;

“Mars is a perfect place for one of my tremendous Trump brand golf resorts Andy. The terrain is rugged, it has bigly hills and boulders. Its location would make it the most exclusive golf resort in our galaxy.”

“It would be desolate, much like my resort in Scotland. The Scots are all great people, but crap Mocksham, that place looks a lot like Alaska, only without Sarah Palin.”

When asked what the name of the resort would be, Trump answered;

“Christ Andy that is a no-brainer, even for you and your fake news.”

“Mars a Lago”

“I plan on spending every weekend there as President for life.”

mars a lago 4 (2)_InPixio