President Trump Awards Medal Of Freedom To Dr Evil

November 12th, 2018

Washington, DC:     President Trump today announced that he has awarded the nations highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal Of Freedom, to his biggest campaign contributor, Dr Evil.

The notorious global antagonist is said to have contributed over one billion US dollars to Trumps various businesses and political campaign.

When questioned by RFN reporter Andy Mocksham about how the President could award the medal of freedom to such a reviled global villain, white house press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders answered;

“OK look Mocksham, here you go again. This man is a committed doctor, philanthropist, and humanitarian, as well as a lifetime member of the international proliferation of weapons association.”

“He even has a laser mounted on the Moon that can destroy entire cities. If that doesn’t deserve a medal, then I don’t know what else a man can do.”

RFN reporter Mocksham then met with Dr Evil himself at one of his many hidden global secret lairs. When asked why he felt that he was deserving of the nations highest civilian honor, Dr Evil responded;

“Throw me a friggen bone Andy, I deserve it because if I don’t get it Mr Bigglesworth would get very angry” pointing to his pet cat.

“And he likes to break things. You wouldn’t want him breaking anything important, would you? Like global peace and prosperity? I didn’t think so.”

“Is not a little medal worth global peace? Besides, who else did you expect Trump would give it to? Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk? The friggen Pope?

“Amateurs.”

dr evil in his lair

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Pat Robertson Promises The Ten Plagues Of Egypt If Democrats Win The House.

November 6th, 2018

Fort Wayne, Indiana:     While on the campaign trail today, President Trump was joined on stage by 700 club host, and former GOP candidate for President, Pat Robertson.

The iconic aging televangelist hobbled on to the stage powered only by the thoughts and prayers of his faithful financial contributors.

During his apocalyptic sermon on voting, TV reverend Robertson declared that the ancient ten plagues of Egypt would be unleashed upon the American landscape and render it an economic and social wasteland if the Democrats would win a majority in the Senate and House of representatives.

“Your tap water will be turned to blood, gay frogs will enter your orifices, transgendered snakes and other reptiles will fill your public bathrooms, all of your livestock will turn homosexual and never breed again, your skin will be covered with blue liberal boils, socialist hail the size of Oprah Winfrey will rain down upon your property and destroy it, locusts as big as unpatriotic NFL athletes who kneel for the national anthem will eat your flags, there will be huge three day rolling power outages of darkness across the land and your firstborn will all be aborted retroactively.”

RFN asked to interview the televangelist about his horrific rhetoric and was denied.

White House Press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders had this to say when questioned by RFN reporter Andy Mocksham;

“Look Mocksham, I am tired of you asking me so many fake news type questions. Reverend Robertson’s words speak for themselves.”

“Do you want these damn plagues, Andy? I know that I sure don’t, and I speak for all the other patriotic Americans of faith who feel the same way and contribute whatever they can to our campaign to keep America safe from liberal plagues.”

“I sure don’t want any gay frogs in my orifices Mocksham. Do you?”

The audience at the rally was provided with a souvenir artists rendering of the ten plagues drawn by other evangelical pastors.
trump ten plauges2

 

President Trump Signs Executive Order Using The Currency From His Defunct Board Game To Eliminate The Budget Deficit

October 21st, 2018

Washington, DC: Pulitzer Prize award winner for journalism, RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, returned to his cherished correspondent duty this past week. His first assignment was based on a tip from several whistle-blowers inside the Federal Reserve, Dept of the Treasury and the White House itself.

Concerned by the ballooning deficit created by last years tax reform bill, the White House signed an executive order that would use the multi-colored currency from President Trumps now discontinued board game to pay down the national debt.

trump the game money

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham contacted the President on his still unsecured galaxy smartphone and asked him a few questions about the new Executive order, and how it will affect the deficit.

When asked why he would want to use fake currency from his defunct board game to buy down the federal deficit, Trump responded;

“That’s a great question Andy, I can’t understand why the rest of the fake news completely misses the stories that you dig into so bigly.”

“You are the best. I’m glad your hand is better.”

“Here is the deal. I needed those humongous tax breaks last year. Truth is that no matter how much I pilfer from the tax coffers by golfing every weekend, I’m still going broke. For some reason, those tax breaks are also making the country go broke.”

“I’m not an economist Andy, I’m a frustrated game show host. I would have been much happier as the host of Hollywood Squares or Wheel of Fortune, but I missed those opportunities by choosing the Apprentice and then putting all my effort behind my amazing board game.”

“It was so much better than Monopoly.”

“No one wanted to buy either version of my tremendous game. I printed billions of Trump dollars for both versions but only sold a few hundred thousand. It was a bigly colossal failure Andy.”

“Tremendously so.”

“I have billions of Trump Game dollars left over to balance the federal budget. But everyone is telling me that I can’t use them.”

“I don’t understand why. Canada has an amazing economy and they have been using Monopoly money since the 1930’s”

canadian money

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Cinco De Mayo Celebrated At Area 51

May 5th, 2018

Area 51, Nevada: Area 51 is having its annual Cinco De Mayo festivities located inside the secret compounds underground bar.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham is always invited to the 51 Cinco fest or ‘Cenyohual’ (‘all night’ in the native Mexican ancient Nahuatl alien language) and this year he is attending the festival.

The party is just as much a secret to the outside world as the mysterious area 51 itself. It has become a very well attended festival with party goers from the entire galaxy, further distant galaxies, as well as earthlings from various places in time.

This is an exclusive report from the Real Fake news.

The ‘Cenyohual’ festival was started many millennia ago when Earth was very primitive, with humans still not able to even make fire, or grow food.

The first Aliens who visited Earth built the huge pyramid complexes all over the planet, and Mexico was where their off-world government was located here on Earth. ‘Cenyohual’ was the very first annual celebration of good fortune for the newcomers. It traditionally lasted all night long. Tequila, the most popular ‘Cenyohual’ beverage, was originally brought to Earth, cultivated and distilled by the Tau’ri people many centuries BC.

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Now that area 51 exists, the party has been kept secluded and hidden inside the vast underground facility.

So far tonight the ambassador of Tau’ri, has drunk the most tequila at the party. It is a tradition that he do so.

tau'ri ambassador

One of the bartenders has been sent home after being nearly asphyxiated to death by a slightly miffed Darth Vader.

darth vader lack of tequila

The original Enterprise crew, NCC-1701, has sent a message from deep space to all the partygoers wishing them a great Cenyohual festival.

Enterprise bridge sombrero

As well as later versions of the crew. This was the message from the Enterprise NCC-1701-D. The Cenyohual celebration is the only time that Star Fleet will authorize any temporal manipulations.

next generation with sombreros

Our Reporter Andy Mocksham is still at the party. He has been challenged to a lightsaber battle by Luke Skywalker.luke skywalker sombrero

The entire RFN team wishes everyone a safe and fun Cinco de Mayo, or ‘Cenyohual.’

Stay tuned for updates.

Update: May 6th, 2018. The hungover Tau’ri ambassador is soaking in the hot Nevada sun, sweating out the remaining tequila and drinking coconut water.

alien hangover

Adolph Hitler Wins Primary in Illinois

March 22nd. 2018

Chicago, Illinois:

Adolf Hitler, a Holocaust denier described as a Nazi by the Illinois Republican Party, won the Republican primary on Tuesday in the state’s Third Congressional District.

Hitler, 128 yrs old, unsuccessfully sought the nomination five times before, but his victory on Tuesday was a foregone conclusion after the Republican Party failed to draft another candidate to enter the race against him.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to talk to Hitler and asked him how it was possible for him to win a GOP primary.

“Even though I am a dead man Mocksham, I won the primary because the Republican Party screwed up big time.”

“No one ran against me the last time I ran for public office and won  back in the 1930’s either.”

The Illinois Republican Party has sought to distance itself from Mr. Hitler in recent weeks, even though they ran no one against him.

“Adolph Hitler is not a real Republican. That is true. He is an old school Nazi whose bigoted, racist views have gained traction in our party’s discourse,” the Illinois Republican Party chairman Hans Himmler, said in a statement.

Mocksham asked  whether Mr Hitler, who was born in Austria, is an illegal immigrant.  Illinois GOP chairman Himmler replied;

“It does not matter because he is a Caucasian.”

hitler smiling

Toys R Us Blames Going Out Of Business On Santa Retiring

March 20th, 2018

Wayne, New Jersey: The head of Toys R Us marketing and brand mascot, Geoffrey the giraffe, made a stunning announcement today during a press conference at the global
toy chains worldwide headquarters in Wayne, New Jersey. Geoffrey said that the number one reason that the Toys R Us chain is closing its doors is that Santa Claus is finally retiring after nearly six centuries of making toys and hand delivering them every Christmas Eve.

Geoffrey stated; “When Santa retires, there will no longer be the need for us to exist anymore. Santa and his elves were 90% of our global business.”geoffrey

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham got in touch with his long-time friend Chris Kringle (AKA Santa Claus) and asked him if it was true that he was officially retiring after all these centuries. He responded:

“Yes Andy my old friend, it is true. I am hanging up my sleigh reigns for good.”

“My elves and I are all very old now. Because of our legendary semi-immortal status, we do not breed. The last few decades we have embraced the new ways.”

Modern machine manufacturing has taken over from handcrafted toy workmanship the last hundred fifty years. Add to that the recent advent of air cargo and year-round door to door delivery. The elves and I have slowly seen our way of life disappear.”

“We no longer make toys, yes it’s true. My elves just filled all the ‘Good List’ orders at Toys R Us stores Globally every night when they are closed to the public.”santa toys r us.

santa toys rus

‘Last summer we ‘toyed’ around with the idea of making our own again but we just could not keep up with demand. Pun intended HoHoHo!”santa3

“Also, since most people do not have chimneys anymore, it was taking a lot longer to complete my rounds. My safety was also in greater danger since the advent of modern security with cameras, lasers and mean, mean dogs.”

“And last Christmas The Trump administration arrested us and then fired on me when I escaped on Christmas eve to make my rounds.”

OP SANTA 2015

Santa shot down

“The world has become a very different place than it was when my elves and I first started Andy.”

“The final straw was all the ‘Stand Your Ground’ NRA types in the USA.”

Trump Orders NASA To Build Golf Resort On Mars.

March 18th, 2018

Washington, DC:   The White House announced that President Trump has signed an executive order that gives the space agency authorization to build a golf resort on Mars. The order comes on the heels of Trump’s announcement that he plans to build a “Space Force” to defend his golf resorts here on Earth.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his unsecured Galaxy phone and asked him why NASA should build a golf resort on Mars. He responded;

“Mars is a perfect place for one of my tremendous Trump brand golf resorts Andy. The terrain is rugged, it has bigly hills and boulders. Its location would make it the most exclusive golf resort in our galaxy.”

“It would be desolate, much like my resort in Scotland. The Scots are all great people, but crap Mocksham, that place looks a lot like Alaska, only without Sarah Palin.”

When asked what the name of the resort would be, Trump answered;

“Christ Andy that is a no-brainer, even for you and your fake news.”

“Mars a Lago”

“I plan on spending every weekend there as President for life.”

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