December 7th, 2017
Washington DC: The National Christmas Tree at the White House vanished overnight and was later located in the George Washington national forest.
White House groundskeepers were stunned this morning when they showed up for work and realized that the spectacularly lit tree had disappeared. The National Park Service had a GPS tag on the tree and later located it at the northeastern edge of the George Washington National forest at Backbone mountain on the West Virginia and Maryland border.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak with White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. He asked her about the incident.
“Look Mocksham, the damn national tree just up and went feral. It was simply no longer happy being stuck at the White House anymore. It went back to the forest. These things happen I guess.”
“The President has replaced the tree with his favorite national symbol. A burning cross.”
“He wishes all Americans a very merry white Christmas.”
The Trump White House national cross
President Trump and the national cross holiday carolers singing Christmas carols at the lighting ceremony.
July 25th, 2017
Washington, DC: During a Senate intelligence committee hearing yesterday on possible collusion and obstruction of justice during the 2016 elections, Jared Kushner stated that the only secret he is hiding from the world is his love of ladies marketed deodorant.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a post-hearing quick one on one with the elusive son in law of the President. When asked about serious omissions on his SF-86, the US government security clearance application form, Kushner responded:
“So I forgot to mention that I like Secret. Big deal Mocksham. I am quite sure that there are plenty of men in this world whos big secret is smelling powder fresh.”
“My secret just happens to be the #1 selling deodorant for both sexes in Russia. And all of my meetings with the Russians during the campaign was to finalize an agreement on Ivanka’s and my own upcoming advertising campaign that will link Secret with her amazing line of clothes and accessories.”
“Big sellers in Russia Mocksham. Huge.”
When asked if Ivanka also has a love for secret, Kushner replied:
“She takes after her father and Putin. She uses AXE.”
May 1st, 2017
Paramus, New Jersey: Local Paramus NJ resident Beldar Conehead has placed his much loved and rare family entertainment center from his home planet of Remulak for sale on E bay.
Conehead owns the original patent and prototype for the futuristic Kuba Comet combination Am/FM, 8 track player, multi-speed turntable and color 19-inch television set.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham saw the ad on E bay and immediately contacted his old friend to ask him why he wanted to sell his rare and cherished possession:
“It is hard to say goodbye to an old friend Mocksham. We brought Kuba with us from Remulak when we relocated to earth for good. It has been a faithful companion for many, many Zurls.”
“But now we have grandchildren and they are more interested in mass quantities of entertainment from less elegant and tasteful devices created here on Earth.”
“Also Prymaat told me to sell it. She wants a new Samsung 65 inch ultra 4K television that she saw in the big store of mass quantity, Costco.”
“If any Earthlings are interested in the Kuba Comet from Remulak, it is all original. All tubes and transistors have been upgraded and meet with current strict Remulakian standards for consumer electronic devices.”
“It also has a special feature that I have added that no other Kuba Comet has. On my home planet when the three moons align we have a great festival culminated by a traditional battle of chosen ones who Narfle the Garthok. It is pay per view on Remulak but I have hacked the codes and this TV shows it live every month.”
“My Narfle is still the best. It was a hole in one.”
Mr. and Mrs. Conehead with daughter Connie
March 29th, 2017
Washington, DC: The White House announced yesterday that it was going to add an addendum clause to President Trump’s federal hiring freeze executive order to allow every member of his family to become a USA federal employee.
The Presidents daughter Ivanka will be his official assistant in charge of helping him not look like a complete misogynist, and her husband Jared Kushner will be his official adviser in charge of taking the blame for any suspicious activity between the Trump administration and the Russians.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham had lunch with the president. And in between chewing and spitting out bits of his favorite ‘Putin’s Apron’ meatloaf while he talked, he was more than willing to expound on his unprecedented and historical nepotism.
“Ivanka has the smarts that I am lacking when it comes to the hot babes Mocksham. I have no game, let me tell you. If it was not for my celebrity and Russian money, I would be totally alone.”
“Yeah, that’s right, I know it’s hard to believe that with my awesome hair and tan. But I would never be able to bag a smoking hot model like Melania without their money, it’s true.”
“Jared has all the connections to be the fall guy and take the blame for all of this out of control Russian quicksand that my administration is in. He is the best, just the best at taking the blame for stuff.”
“I thought that Paul Manafort was the best guy for the job, but no, he is too sleazy. Jared is going to be phenomenal, let me tell you.”
“Jared has no idea how good he is going to be. What are sons-in-law for?
“This is what great Czars and leaders do historically Mocksham. We advance our daughters and sacrifice their loser husbands.”
“Isn’t this fun.”