Category: Family

Toys R Us Blames Going Out Of Business On Santa Retiring

March 20th, 2018

Wayne, New Jersey: The head of Toys R Us marketing and brand mascot, Geoffrey the giraffe, made a stunning announcement today during a press conference at the global
toy chains worldwide headquarters in Wayne, New Jersey. Geoffrey said that the number one reason that the Toys R Us chain is closing its doors is that Santa Claus is finally retiring after nearly six centuries of making toys and hand delivering them every Christmas eve.

Geoffrey stated; “When Santa retires, there will no longer be the need for us to exist anymore. Santa and his elves were 90% of our global business.”geoffrey

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham got in touch with his long-time friend Chris Kringle (AKA Santa Claus) and asked him if it was true that he was officially retiring after all these centuries. He responded:

“Yes Andy my old friend, it is true. I am hanging up my sleigh reigns for good.”

“My elves and I are all very old now. Because of our legendary semi-immortal status, we do not breed. The last few decades we have embraced the new ways.”

Modern machine manufacturing has taken over from hand crafted toy workmanship the last hundred fifty years. Add to that the recent advent of air cargo and year-round door to door delivery. The elves and I have slowly seen our way of life disappear.”

“We no longer make toys, yes it’s true. My elves just filled all the ‘Good List’ orders at Toys R Us stores Globally every night when they are closed to the public.”santa toys r us.

santa toys rus

‘Last summer we ‘toyed’ around with the idea of making our own again but we just could not keep up with demand. Pun intended HoHoHo!”santa3

“Also, since most people do not have chimneys anymore, it was taking a lot longer to complete my rounds. My safety was also in greater danger since the advent of modern security with cameras, lasers and mean, mean dogs.”

“And last Christmas The Trump administration arrested us and then fired on me when I escaped on Christmas eve to make my rounds.”

OP SANTA 2015

Santa shot down

“The world has become a very different place than it was when my elves and I first started Andy.”

“The final straw was all the ‘Stand Your Ground’ NRA types in the USA.”

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Fred Flintstone Joins Amazon Primerock

March 6th, 2018

Bedrock:  Modern day stone age legend and reality TV show star Fred Flintstone entered the cyber shopping world by becoming an Amazon Primerock member.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Bedrock and was present when Flintstones very first order arrived via USPS priority delivery. It was a brontosaurus bone for his pet, “Dino.” dino flintstones 3

Mocksham asked Flinstone why he took so long to enter the online shopping world, he replied;

“We didn’t even get inter-nephelinite installed on our street by rockcast  until 2 weeks ago Andy. Who do I look like, that geek George Jetson?”dino flinstones1

“Anyways, Wilma has been bugging me, and bugging me for years to quit being a slag and buy a computer. Now I’m afraid that all the rock n mortar stores will just become rubble if everyone shops online.”

“Speaking of Rubble, my neighbor Barney is still holding out on this whole world wide websterite business. I’m pretty sure that once Wilma talks to Betty it won’t be long before Barney is calling rockcast and making an appointment.”

“He’s gonna be so pissed at me, Yabba Dabba Do!”

fred flinstone computer

North Korea Blames Missile Launches On Great Leaders Cat

January 12th, 2018

Pyongyang, DPRK;    The Korean Central News Agency, the official news source of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea has placed the blame for all of its recent missile launches squarely on the feline shoulders of the Supreme Leaders pet cat.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was back in action and on the Korean peninsula to report about the preparations for the 2018 winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea next month. He was invited to do a rare interview with the North Korean supreme leader, Kim Jong-un at his palace in Pyonyang.

The interview was very brief and conducted with an interpreter. Mocksham was informed at the start that he was only allowed a few questions, all approved by the interpreters overseer in advance. The overseer would submit the questions to his superior who would then relay them to the Supreme Leader. The questions would only be allowed to cover the topic submitted by the Korean Central news Agency.

The topic was the inadvertent systematic launching of progressively more advanced missiles by North Korea in the last 18 months.

Mockshams first approved question was;   Who is directly responsible for the missile launches?

The answer from the interpreter; “The Supreme leader has a very talented and mischievous pet cat whom has free reign of the great desk of the people where the Supreme Leader controls the entire universe from. This special and very talented cat has advanced button pressing skills and seems to know when the Supreme leader has mastered the next step in missile technology. His super being cat curiosity makes him inadvertently press the launch button on the great desk of the people while the Supreme Leader is tending to other areas of the universal perfection of mankind.”

Next approved question;    Where did this cat come from and what is his name?

Answer;   “American President Trump gave the amazing and skilled cat to the Supreme Leaders father back when he was the great ruler of all the universe. NBA basketball star and best basketball player in the universe Dennis Rodman delivered the gift personally. The cat was seen to have incredible, amazing, fantastic abilities and allowed full access to the great desk of the people.”

“His name is revered in modern folklore and dynasty, it is said to have been bestowed upon him by the then reality TV show host Trump himself, It is  배설물 국가  or ‘Shithole Country’ in English. It is said that this name represents Trumps view of the entire universe outside of the USA.”

“What better name for a cat who is clever enough to launch missiles. Thank you once again President Trump.”

Mocksham17

Real Shots Fired In The War On Christmas

December 25th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska: The USA launched an actual shooting war on Santa Claus when NORAD fighter jets fired air to air missiles at Santa, his sleigh and reindeer.

Earlier in the day reports had surfaced that Santa and Mrs Claus had managed to escape from security at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska where they were being held for “Crimes against capitalism.”

Santa actually took the podium at the airbase and made a small statement to the only member of the media present at the time. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham.

“People of Earth. Tell your children that I will fulfill my duty to bring the spirit of giving to every home on the planet, including the homes in the USA.”

santa

“Contrary to the beliefs of naughty people currently in high places in the USA, the spirit of giving and caring is not Socialism. It is the right thing to do. And just plain fun. It is much better to give.”

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to answer any questions regarding the missiles fired at Santas sleigh.

After he made his appointed yearly rounds to those not on the naughty list, Santa again stated that he will never be detained, or prevented from spreading the spirit of giving around the globe, and here in the USA.

“I don’t have any special military technology Andy, I just have the spirit of giving. It is more of a magical thing. The power of giving is stronger than anything else. Giving is not socialism. It’s not communism. It’s not military strength. It is just the good vibes of being a human being.”

“And not a selfish monster. To you and yours Mocksham. Peace to all mankind and to all a good night.”

“HoHoHo.”

The Pentagon released this photo of Santa as he escaped
santa fighter jet 1

Air Force targeting image of Santa
santa fighter jet4

santa fighter jet5

Air Force missiles could not target Santas sleigh
santa fighter jet 2

Santa and the reindeer after another successful holiday
missionsanta and reindeer

President Trump Places Santa Under Arrest

December 17th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska:     President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smart phone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;

“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”

When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;

“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff,  you know,  socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming are what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

Santa and Mrs Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest
Arctic Santa

White House National Christmas Tree Goes Feral

December 7th, 2017

Washington DC:  The National Christmas Tree at the White House vanished overnight  and was later located in the George Washington national forest.

White House groundskeepers were stunned this morning when they showed up for work and realized that the spectacularly lit tree had disappeared. The National Park Service had a GPS tag on the tree and later located it at the northeastern edge of the George Washington National forest at Backbone mountain on the West Virginia and Maryland border.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak with White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. He asked her about the incident.

“Look Mocksham, the damn national tree just up and went feral. It was simply no longer happy being stuck at the White House anymore. It went back to the forest. These things happen I guess.”

“The President has replaced the tree with his favorite national symbol. A burning cross.”

“He wishes all Americans a very merry white Christmas.”

The Trump White House national cross
white house christmas cross

President Trump and the national cross holiday carolers singing Christmas carols at the lighting ceremony.
white house KKK

Jared Kushner Says His Only “Secret” Is His Deodorant.

July 25th, 2017

Washington, DC:    During a senate intelligence committee hearing yesterday on possible collusion and obstruction of justice during the 2016 elections, Jared Kushner stated that the only secret he is hiding from the world is his love of ladies marketed deodorant.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a post hearing quick one on one with the elusive son in law of the President. When asked about serious omissions on his SF-86, the US government security clearance application form, Kushner responded:

“So I forgot to mention that I like Secret. Big deal Mocksham. I am quite sure that there are plenty of men in this world who’s big secret is smelling powder fresh.”

“My secret just happens to be the #1 selling deodorant for both sexes in Russia. And all of my meetings with the Russians during the campaign was to finalize an agreement on Ivanka’s and my own upcoming advertising campaign that will link Secret with her amazing line of clothes and accessories.”

“Big sellers in Russia Mocksham. Huge.”

When asked if Ivanka also has a love for secret, Kushner replied:

“She takes after her father and Putin. She uses AXE.”
secret

jared and ivanka

Mr Conehead Sells Classic Remulak Entertainment Center

May 1st, 2017

Paramus, New Jersey: Local Paramus NJ resident Beldar Conehead has placed his much loved and rare family entertainment center from his home planet of Remulak for sale on E bay.

Conehead owns the original patent and prototype for the futuristic Kuba Comet combination Am/FM, 8 track player, multi-speed turntable and color 19 inch television set.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham saw the ad on E bay and immediately contacted his old friend to ask him why he wanted to sell his rare and cherished possession:

“It is hard to say good bye to an old friend Mocksham. We brought Kuba with us from Remulak when we relocated to earth for good. It has been a faithful companion for many, many Zurls.”

“But now we have grandchildren and they are more interested in mass quantities of entertainment from less elegant and tasteful devices created here on Earth.”

“Also Prymaat told me to sell it. She wants a new Samsung 65 inch ultra 4K television that she saw in the big store of mass quantity, Costco.”

“If any Earthlings are interested in the Kuba Comet from Remulak, it is all original. All tubes and transistors have been upgraded and meet with current strict Remulakian standards for consumer electronic devices.”

“It also has a special feature that I have added that no other Kuba Comet has. On my home planet when the three moons align we have a great festival culminated by a traditional battle of chosen ones who Narfle the Garthok. It is pay per view on Remulak but I have hacked the codes and this TV shows it live every month.”

“My Narfle is still the best. It was a hole in one.”

conehead hole in one

Conehead family
Mr and Mrs Conehead with daughter Connie