Category: Food

Domestic, Finance, Food, Law, Mental Health, Politics, Social, U.S.

White House Announces Plan For Shutdown ‘Payday Loans’ To Federal Workers To Pay For Border Wall.

January 5th, 2019

Washington, DC: White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney announced a new program to assist federal employees impacted by the partial government shutdown. His plan is to allow affected workers to receive ‘Shutdown payday loans’ to help them cope financially with the Trump administrations shuttering of their jobs over funding for a border wall made either from concrete, steel, or uncollected garbage from national parks.

uncollected trash

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham barged into Mulvaney’s office in the west wing and slammed the door behind him. Without even asking one question, Mulvaney started to ramble;

“Listen up Mocksham, I don’t care about your fake news, OK.”

“Payday loans are the backbone of modern American commerce dude. The entire global economy is basically one giant payday loan, wake up Andy!”

“When I was the head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, I saw first hand how profitable payday loans are. It’s a no-brainer to force 800,000 federal workers into a situation where they have no choice but to accept short-term loans on their furloughed paychecks.”

“The longer we string this shutdown out, the more they will owe, and the more we will have to pay for the wall.”

“Since most federal employees love eating Mexican food, and all Mexican food is made by illegal Mexicans, Mexico will be paying for the wall through this program.”

“Viva the federal employee shut down payday loans!

mulvaney orange hair

“How do you like my orange hair Andy?”

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Agriculture, Finance, Food, Law, Mental Health, Politics, Trade, U.S., World

Trump Negotiates Trade Deal With China In Exchange For The Great Wall

January 29th, 2018

Davos, Switzerland:    The White House today confirmed a new trade deal with China that would relocate the Great Wall to the US-Mexico border as the world economic forum in Davos Switzerland winds down.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Davos and was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She would not take any questions but made a statement.

“Jesus Christ Mocksham, how do you find this stuff out.”

“Look, this deal is going to make all other trade deals obsolete. China does not need the damn wall anymore, so they let us have it for free in exchange for moving all remaining US manufacturing jobs to China.”

“It’s a win-win for us, we get our border wall and no one has to pay for it. Also, since the US will no longer have any messy polluting manufacturing jobs left, the environment will get better.”

“The flood of cheap Chinese made American products imported back to the US will create new retail jobs here in the states at Amazon warehouses to offset the loss of manufacturing jobs.”

“Plus, the Great Wall is quite the sight and will generate billions in tourist dollars for the states along the border.”

“While the rest of the world gets suckered into useless trade deals like the TPP, we are busy making America great Again Mocksham, one great wall at a time.”

great-wall-trump

Agriculture, Conspiracies, Finance, Food, Law, Social

Wild Turkey Terror Group Threatens To Disrupt Shipping This December

November 24th, 2017

Washington DC:    The department of homeland security today said that a domestic terror group of wild turkeys is threatening to disrupt shipping all across the USA during the busiest time of year for commerce. The group calls itself T.U.R.K.Y.

Homeland security says that their announcement correlates with a series of daring attacks across the USA on delivery drivers from the Postal Service, FedEx, and UPS. In their most brazen attack to date, a FedEx cargo jet had to abort takeoff after a large flock of wild turkeys flew into its path. Surveillance video footage shows wild turkeys stealing packages placed on front porches by delivery drivers all across the USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham met up with the leader of the T.U.R.K.Y. terror group, Jake Butterball, at a secret location. He asked him why wild turkeys were disrupting commerce.

“We turkeys have been getting plucked and feathered by the man for far too long Mocksham.”

“It first started way back when Benjamin Franklin wanted to make Wild Turkey the symbol of the new country and was overruled in favor of the Bald Eagle. Then the man began to capture us and domesticated us for profit.”

“The final straw was when the man started to promote Christmas and all of that rampant consumerism right after Halloween. Thanksgiving is our time to be honored by the man, and he mocks us with Christmas.”

“We, the warriors of T.U.R.K.Y. will never let that happen! GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE, GOBBLE.”

T.U.R.K.Y. leader Jake Butterball
turkey face

T.U.R.K.Y members blocking delivery trucks
turkeys threaten deliverys

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turkeys threaten deliverys 4

fed ex turkey

Members of T.U.R.K.Y jumped in front of this vehicle on icy roads causing this crash.
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FedEx cargo jet aborts takeoff after members of T.U.R.K.Y  flew into it’s path.
fed ex

Agriculture, Domestic, Food, Law, Medical, science

Homeland Security and FDA Recall Killer GMO Pumpkins

October 31st, 2017

Morton, Illinois:    Federal officials from the FDA and Homeland security placed an emergency recall on GMO pumpkins that have attacked several people in the Midwest USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was dispatched to the pumpkin capitol of the world, Morton, Illinois, to investigate this gruesome, frightening story.

Mockshams investigation uncovered some startling details about genetically modified pumpkins that have not been approved by the FDA. A large local pumpkin grower, Jack Lantern, is believed to have modified the DNA of prized local pumpkins with that of the deadliest fresh water fish on earth, the Piranha.

Mocksham was only allowed a short interview with Mr Lantern.

“Nice to finally meet you Mocksham. Nice jacket and hat by the way. OK, my 12 year old daughter is a genius. She loves pumpkins and for some reason, Piranha. I thank Animal Planet for that. Anyways, she discovered a gene in a very deadly species of Piranha that makes them aggressive towards its traditional pests out in the rivers of south America during breeding season.”

“She took that gene and spliced it into the genes that produce the same response in pumpkins and other gourds during their breeding season. It’s as simple as that.”

When asked if they did any trials before selling the GMO pumpkins, Lantern responded;

“Of course we did. It worked flawlessly. We used no pesticides whatsoever and our crop quadrupled. For the first time we were able to get our organic application and begin the process to get certified.”

“It was like a miracle until two days ago when the shit hit the fan and people who purchased them started to get attacked and become dismembered.”

“We were just about to modify giant pumpkins with the same genes right before Homeland security shut us down.”

“Damn, that would have been just ghastly if an army of giant flesh eating pumpkins ever got loose.”

“I guess this explains the disappearance of several field workers the last two harvesting seasons. We thought they were just afraid of Trump and ICE.  Guess the joke is on us. Whoops.”

“Happy Halloween.”

Mocksham17

Domestic, Food, Lifestyle, Social, World

Americans Celebrate The Liberation Of Mayonnaise From The French By Mexico

May 6th, 2017

Any City, USA: All across America last night people were drinking Mexican beer and tequila, and eating mayonnaise. The celebration is based on the famous battle between Mexican and French troops In the city of Puebla on the 5th of May, 1862. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham spent the evening with an expert on the subject of the history of this celebration, Adipose Hellman.

“Most Americans mistakenly believe that Cinco De Mayo is the Mexican independence day, but that is actually in September,” Hellman said.

“The other faulty belief is that the battle was against European colonization of Mexico, when in fact is was the culmination of a conflict that had begun over a century earlier between France and Spain over who invented the now famous condiment, Mayonnaise.”

“France and Spain had been fighting over the original recipe and who created it since 1756.”

“The first battle was on the Mediterranean island of Minorca. The French believed that the recipe for “A magic sauce” was being hidden by the Spanish on the island. The French insisted that it was their creation and not Spain and that the original recipe would be able to prove the claim that Mayeu was indeed French, and not Salsa Mahonesa as the Spanish claimed.”

Hellman continued, “ The quest to prove ownership and profits from mayonnaise continued for decades and the French were certain that Spain had taken the recipe to Mexico. On May 5th, 1862 French forces invaded the city of Puebla searching for it and were defeated by outnumbered Mexican troops.”

“France eventually gave up their quest for the recipe and that freed up mayo to be mass produced. It was never really spicy enough for Mexicans to fall in love with, but Americans really enjoy it.”

“That is why Americans celebrate Cinco De Mayo and Mexicans just give it a big “Meh”.

“The question of whether France or Spain invented mayonnaise will probably never be answered since the original recipe has never been found.”

“But no one disagrees that Americans created the ketchup and mayo combination Secret Sauce.”