November 24th, 2017
Washington DC: The department of homeland security today said that a domestic terror group of wild turkeys is threatening to disrupt shipping all across the USA during the busiest time of year for commerce. The group calls itself T.U.R.K.Y.
Homeland security says that their announcement correlates with a series of daring attacks across the USA on delivery drivers from the Postal Service, FedEx, and UPS. In their most brazen attack to date, a FedEx cargo jet had to abort takeoff after a large flock of wild turkeys flew into its path. Surveillance video footage shows wild turkeys stealing packages placed on front porches by delivery drivers all across the USA.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham met up with the leader of the T.U.R.K.Y. terror group, Jake Butterball, at a secret location. He asked him why wild turkeys were disrupting commerce.
“We turkeys have been getting plucked and feathered by the man for far too long Mocksham.”
“It first started way back when Benjamin Franklin wanted to make Wild Turkey the symbol of the new country and was overruled in favor of the Bald Eagle. Then the man began to capture us and domesticated us for profit.”
“The final straw was when the man started to promote Christmas and all of that rampant consumerism right after Halloween. Thanksgiving is our time to be honored by the man, and he mocks us with Christmas.”
“We, the warriors of T.U.R.K.Y. will never let that happen! GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE, GOBBLE.”
T.U.R.K.Y. leader Jake Butterball
T.U.R.K.Y members blocking delivery trucks
Members of T.U.R.K.Y jumped in front of this vehicle on icy roads causing this crash.
FedEx cargo jet aborts takeoff after members of T.U.R.K.Y flew into it’s path.