August 5th, 2017
Moscow, Russia: Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to buy the global television rights to US President Trumps trial for collusion and obstruction of justice, and to broadcast it globally on pay per view.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was on vacation in Russia and traveled to Moscow for an interview with President Putin about his proposal.
When asked why he wanted the broadcast rights to any possible Trump trial, Putin replied:
“ Why wouldn’t I? This is going to be the trial of the century. An American President was being aided by, financed by, and influenced by a foreign government.”
“This is historical.”
“Besides, Trump is a businessman, Yes? He will understand the need to use the profits from a global pay per view audience of his trial to repay his debts to Russia.”
“There is no bankruptcy option with our loans Mr Mocksham.”
“I offer to give the US treasury a small percentage of the profits. That should be enough to pay back your national debt to China.”
“Ironically, Donald will be keeping his promise to reduce the deficit.” Putin said as he smiled really big and looked to the west.”
” I am so excited to watch the proceedings myself.”
June 14th, 2017
Washington, DC: After a lack of forthcoming during a Senate intelligence committee hearing, attorney general Jeff Sessions admitted to having a medical condition that his doctors say is directly caused by his job.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a ‘one on one’ with the attorney general after the hearing. He asked Sessions why he refused to answer so many questions, or could not remember so many major details about important meetings with Russians.
“Mocksham, I hate to admit it, but dawg nabbit I have been diagnosed with a serious new specific type of memory loss by my neurologist. He calls it ‘Trumpmentia’.”
“ It specifically affects the smack dab middle part of my brain that helps me remember specific details about President…Whatever his name is, and anything that he has to do with the Russians.”
“Now I am not just some old cat trying to cover up his poop on a wood floor Mocksham, I honestly can’t remember the Presidents name right now, or even where Russia is on a map.”
“I gotta skidaddle, my agent is calling. He says that I have been offered the role of “Granny” on the new remake of the Beverly Hillbillies TV show!”
“Now ain’t that sumpin?”
May 1st, 2017
Paramus, New Jersey: Local Paramus NJ resident Beldar Conehead has placed his much loved and rare family entertainment center from his home planet of Remulak for sale on E bay.
Conehead owns the original patent and prototype for the futuristic Kuba Comet combination Am/FM, 8 track player, multi-speed turntable and color 19 inch television set.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham saw the ad on E bay and immediately contacted his old friend to ask him why he wanted to sell his rare and cherished possession:
“It is hard to say good bye to an old friend Mocksham. We brought Kuba with us from Remulak when we relocated to earth for good. It has been a faithful companion for many, many Zurls.”
“But now we have grandchildren and they are more interested in mass quantities of entertainment from less elegant and tasteful devices created here on Earth.”
“Also Prymaat told me to sell it. She wants a new Samsung 65 inch ultra 4K television that she saw in the big store of mass quantity, Costco.”
“If any Earthlings are interested in the Kuba Comet from Remulak, it is all original. All tubes and transistors have been upgraded and meet with current strict Remulakian standards for consumer electronic devices.”
“It also has a special feature that I have added that no other Kuba Comet has. On my home planet when the three moons align we have a great festival culminated by a traditional battle of chosen ones who Narfle the Garthok. It is pay per view on Remulak but I have hacked the codes and this TV shows it live every month.”
“My Narfle is still the best. It was a hole in one.”
Mr and Mrs Conehead with daughter Connie
New York, NY: Fox News Corp, a subsidiary of 21st Century Fox, announced today that it was moving notorious misogynist and political news fabricator/anchor Bill O’Reilly to a new adult news show that will air late at night.
The move was aimed at stopping the hemorrhage of advertisers away from O’Reilly due to his multi million dollar settling of an orgy of sexual harassment lawsuits brought forward by former female employees of his show.
O’Reilly refused to meet with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham and his office had no comment.
A source at Fox News who wanted to remain anonymous told the RFN this:
“The network had to do something. He has very high ratings. They realize that even though he is a total pig, he has loyal viewers.”
“Our marketing people hooked up and banged out a bold solution. A new late night “Adult swim” type of news show that will appeal to his loyal viewers, while at the same time attracting younger, sexier, open minded Americans who like an edgier hard core news show.”
“We have already picked up a whole new batch of advertising from Viagra, Cialis, Playboy, Maxxim, Penthouse, Porn Hub and many condom and adult sex toy manufacturers.”
“The new show will be called “The Sin Zone with Bill O’Reilly.”