Category: Domestic

Fred Flintstone Joins Amazon Primerock

March 6th, 2018

Bedrock:  Modern day stone age legend and reality TV show star Fred Flintstone entered the cyber shopping world by becoming an Amazon Primerock member.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Bedrock and was present when Flintstones very first order arrived via USPS priority delivery. It was a brontosaurus bone for his pet, “Dino.” dino flintstones 3

Mocksham asked Flinstone why he took so long to enter the online shopping world, he replied;

“We didn’t even get inter-nephelinite installed on our street by rockcast  until 2 weeks ago Andy. Who do I look like, that geek George Jetson?”dino flinstones1

“Anyways, Wilma has been bugging me, and bugging me for years to quit being a slag and buy a computer. Now I’m afraid that all the rock n mortar stores will just become rubble if everyone shops online.”

“Speaking of Rubble, my neighbor Barney is still holding out on this whole world wide websterite business. I’m pretty sure that once Wilma talks to Betty it won’t be long before Barney is calling rockcast and making an appointment.”

“He’s gonna be so pissed at me, Yabba Dabba Do!”

fred flinstone computer

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White House National Christmas Tree Goes Feral

December 7th, 2017

Washington DC:  The National Christmas Tree at the White House vanished overnight  and was later located in the George Washington national forest.

White House groundskeepers were stunned this morning when they showed up for work and realized that the spectacularly lit tree had disappeared. The National Park Service had a GPS tag on the tree and later located it at the northeastern edge of the George Washington National forest at Backbone mountain on the West Virginia and Maryland border.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak with White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. He asked her about the incident.

“Look Mocksham, the damn national tree just up and went feral. It was simply no longer happy being stuck at the White House anymore. It went back to the forest. These things happen I guess.”

“The President has replaced the tree with his favorite national symbol. A burning cross.”

“He wishes all Americans a very merry white Christmas.”

The Trump White House national cross
white house christmas cross

President Trump and the national cross holiday carolers singing Christmas carols at the lighting ceremony.
white house KKK

West Coast North Americans Feel Safer Now That North Korean Missiles Can Reach The East Coast

November 28th, 2017

Seattle, WA:   Residents all along the west coast of north America are sleeping easier now that North Korea has successfully tested a missile that can reach Washington DC.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to Seattle, in Washington State, to ask everyday Americans who live there how they felt about the news.

James Barrister, an attorney, said this “ I am equivocally ambiguous about this. I find it dubious and vague. The facts in question, for instance, the estimated distance that the missile can travel, are tenebrous and amphibological. I think your question is ambivalent and puzzling to say the least Mocksham.”
lawyer in suit

Dawn Freeware, an internet hacker, said this “Being a hacktivist, I am amazed that people are still afraid of missiles. There are Zero day exploit rootkits out there designed by 15 year old Script Kiddies living in their grannys basement with a logic bomb that has a payload big enough to shut down the entire electrical grid.”
techie girl

Ail Dihedral, A Boeing employee, said this “I’m not too worried about it. But yeah, it’s nice that they can reach South Carolina and our scab factory that builds the Dreamliner. Knock it out LOL”
aerospace worker

Brigitte Demitasse, a coffee barista, said this “ I try to not get all steamed up about things like this. Is North Korean coffee even fair trade?
lady barista

Bubba Klinefelter, a recent transplant from Alabama, said this “I sure wish those missiles would still hit here where all the damn liberals live.”
alabama jersey

When asked why he moved to the area Bubba said “Jesus H Christ Mocksham the minimum wage here is double what it is in Birmingham, plus I can buy weed in a shop down the street and get married to my boyfriend, Pedro.”

Homeland Security and FDA Recall Killer GMO Pumpkins

October 31st, 2017

Morton, Illinois:    Federal officials from the FDA and Homeland security placed an emergency recall on GMO pumpkins that have attacked several people in the Midwest USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was dispatched to the pumpkin capitol of the world, Morton, Illinois, to investigate this gruesome, frightening story.

Mockshams investigation uncovered some startling details about genetically modified pumpkins that have not been approved by the FDA. A large local pumpkin grower, Jack Lantern, is believed to have modified the DNA of prized local pumpkins with that of the deadliest fresh water fish on earth, the Piranha.

Mocksham was only allowed a short interview with Mr Lantern.

“Nice to finally meet you Mocksham. Nice jacket and hat by the way. OK, my 12 year old daughter is a genius. She loves pumpkins and for some reason, Piranha. I thank Animal Planet for that. Anyways, she discovered a gene in a very deadly species of Piranha that makes them aggressive towards its traditional pests out in the rivers of south America during breeding season.”

“She took that gene and spliced it into the genes that produce the same response in pumpkins and other gourds during their breeding season. It’s as simple as that.”

When asked if they did any trials before selling the GMO pumpkins, Lantern responded;

“Of course we did. It worked flawlessly. We used no pesticides whatsoever and our crop quadrupled. For the first time we were able to get our organic application and begin the process to get certified.”

“It was like a miracle until two days ago when the shit hit the fan and people who purchased them started to get attacked and become dismembered.”

“We were just about to modify giant pumpkins with the same genes right before Homeland security shut us down.”

“Damn, that would have been just ghastly if an army of giant flesh eating pumpkins ever got loose.”

“I guess this explains the disappearance of several field workers the last two harvesting seasons. We thought they were just afraid of Trump and ICE.  Guess the joke is on us. Whoops.”

“Happy Halloween.”

Mocksham17

Trump Appoints Dr Strangelove As Head Of The “Deep State Secret Shadow Government”

October 6th, 2017. Washington, DC:     President Trump today named Dr Strangelove as his choice to head the “Deep state” shadow government that everyone on conservative media has been saying exists.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was back in the US capital and reached the President on his still unsecured Samsung Galaxy smart phone. He asked Trump why he would appoint someone to head a federal agency that many call a hoax.

“First of all, welcome back Mocksham, sorry about your dog or dad, whoever died. Whatever.”

“Just because people say there is no shadow deep state doesn’t mean that deep state shadows don’t exist. I see deep shadows all over the White House, even after I had it remodeled this summer with gold plating. Very creepy Mocksham, let me tell you.”

When reporter Mocksham asked the President why he chose Dr Stranglove to head an invisible, murky, non existent government, Trump responded;

“Strangelove gets the job done. How many North Korean missiles have hit our tremendous country since I placed him in charge of Star Wars Missile defense? None. He’s the best at all this deep shadowy stuff, the best. That I can assure you.”

When reached by phone and asked about his appointment, Dr Strangelove replied;

“ Vell, dis iz..iz..iz…VELLY STLANGE to say ze leezt…UGGHH..AHK..HaHaHa…I apologize..My hand haz a mind of itz own…Hahaha…. 20170930_210142
“BUT I VILL SAY DIZ…..UGGH….If Mein Fuhrer Vantz me to lead Ze Vay into Ze Deep Shadows I ACCEPT!..HaHaHa!”

“Ha…HaHaHa…Ha!” 20170930_205738(1)

shadow government

President Trump Threatens Using “Military Option” With Congress Over Domestic Policy

August 11th, 2017

Bedminster, New Jersey:   President Trump said that he was considering the use of a “Military Option” against the US congress over it’s inability to undo 8 years of President Obama’s domestic policy during an impromptu press conference at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf resort, flanked by his national security team.

“These spineless democracy lovers who care more about being re-elected, instead of my own lack of ideas are a threat to this great nation.”

The President also threatened military action against North Korea, Venezuela, Special Council Robert Mueller, Blue states that voted against him, the Fake news media and every country except Russia.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was allowed to spend a few minutes with Trump immediately afterwards and asked him if he was serious about using the US military against everyone who disagrees with him. He replied;

“I am tired of not having my way Mocksham!”

“It doesn’t matter if I don’t have any idea what should be done, I just want it to get done.”

“It’s my way or the highway Mocksham.”

When asked if the nuclear option was on the table domestically, his response was;

“I think you know the answer to that. I don’t talk about how I will respond, but you know the answer. This country is a mess, a very dangerous mess.”

“I know more than the Generals and Congress about how to get things done.”

“Even if I don’t know what that is, I know how to get it done!”

trumpridesnuke

 

 

Trump Tweets That He Is The Walrus

June 7th, 2017

Washington, DC:   President Trump set the twitter sphere bonkers early this morning with a mysterious tweet that evoked the Beatles 1967 album and movie “Magical Mystery Tour.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham immediately contacted the president on his unsecured Samsung Galaxy phone to ask him what was the meaning of the tweet before he could forget that he tweeted it. He responded:

“I am on a magical mystery tour Mocksham. I don’t know where I am or what I am doing here”

“I am the Egg man.”

“I am the Walrus.”

“Coocookachu.”

The call was then disconnected.

Trump tweet walrus

Trump Walrus 2

American Truck Manufacturer To Offer A Conservative Bumper Sticker factory Option

May 29th, 2017

Detroit, Michigan:  One of the big three US truck manufacturers has announced that they will be offering a bumper sticker factory option for its conservative minded customers. The marketing departments of Chevrolet and GMC trucks have both decided that it will be a popular addition to an already long list of option packages made available to their loyal base of owners. Ford and Ram declined to comment on whether they will also offer a similar option.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to test drive a brand new Chevrolet Silverado with the new  “Base Patriot Sticker” option applied to the back window and tailgate. He then met with the GM truck marketing guru who came up with the idea, Mr Bubba Thick. Thick explained the reasoning behind the new sticker option:

“Mocksham, our marketing department has decades of statistics that show us that the majority of our truck owners live in the so called ‘Red’ states and rural areas of the ‘Blue’ states. When we visit these areas we see our trucks just covered in conservative themed bumper stickers.”

“We are going to allow our customers in those areas to have the option of purchasing their new Chevy and GM trucks with the various new “Patriot” sticker options directly from the factory.”

“The top of the line in the option group will be the “Trump” package that covers the entire truck with his now famous campaign stickers.”

“We are making American trucks great again!”

The Trump sticker package option:
conservative bumper sticker 2

General Trump Fires The Joint Chief Of Staff And Orders White House Landscapers To Plant Hundreds Of Banana Trees

May 11th, 2017

Washington, DC: After calling all the top US Generals “Incompetent” for not eliminating ISIS and disarming North Korea during his first 100 days in office, President Trump has signed an executive order that eliminates the entire Joint Chiefs of Staff.

He immediately signed a second one that proclaimed himself to not only be commander and chief of the armed forces, but a General and “Supreme Leader.”

His first decree was to have the White House landscapers remove existing landscaping and replace it with hundreds of banana trees. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Samsung Galaxy phone. He asked the President why.

“Mocksham, this a great country. The best, that I can tell you. But we have weak institutions. I am going to make them stronger and better.”

“The Generals don’t know how to win anymore. We haven’t won in a long time Mocksham. I will be the best General. I know more than them losers anyways. I watch Fox news and don’t read the fake news like your silly news.”

“Why banana trees? What a silly question! Bananas are the symbol of a great republic Mocksham, and I am going to make America great again. I promised to make America great again and great it will be!

“Ivanka and Jared have purchased the Banana Republic brand, it is such an iconic brand. It will be our brand. Americas brand.”

“We will be the greatest Banana Republic ever, that I can assure you.”

Trump banana republic