Category: Domestic

President Trump Taps Swamp Thing For White House Chief Of Staff

December 11th, 2018

Washington, DC:      In a surprise press release today, the white house informed the world that President Trump has chosen the Swamp Thing as his new Chief of Staff. The announcement stated that the new Chief of Staff would take over the job at the beginning of the year in January.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was not available for comment and the door to her office was locked.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach both the president and the soon to be Chief of Staff however and was able to ask both of them about the surprise selection for the position.

When asked why he chose Swamp Thing as his new Chief of Staff, Trump responded;

“Andy, I have said in the past that I only hire the best people, and I still do. The west wing is a bubbling bigly smelly swamp of creatures already, so I picked the best man or plant, not sure what he is really, for the job.”

“He will bring a new atmosphere to the slimy mess around here, that’s for sure. Melania is not too crazy about how he dresses or the way he smells, but hey, I’m the boss around here.”

“Besides, no one else wanted the job for some reason.”

When Mocksham spoke to the Swamp Thing, he asked him why he wanted to be the Presidents Chief of Staff while so many others are abandoning the administration, and what will be the changes he plans to make if any. He answered;

“Andy my old friend, this job is perfect for me. Washington DC was built on an old swamp and has been nicknamed a swamp for decades. The current administration has been making the waters even murkier and I feel that it’s finally my time to serve.”

“Changes? Sure, I plan quite a few changes around here.  But as much as I love your real fake news, I’m not going to tip my hand before I get sworn in.”

“I will only say this for now. The white house swimming pool has been turned into a slimy swamp, just for starters. I need to freshen up with a good swim in dark murky waters with my swamp friends a few times a day. The President has taken a few swims in it already and he really enjoys it, he seems quite at home in it. Besides, he needs the exercise.”

“Nobody around here wanted to swim in the old pool anyway, too much chlorine.”

President Trump enjoying a swim in the newly renovated white house swimming pool
trump in the swamp

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President Trump Pardoned By ‘Mueller.’

November 22nd, 2018

Washington, DC: President Trump awoke early this am convinced that he had received a complete exoneration of any possible federal or state charges whatsoever.

After waking from a dream, as he has done many times before, the President called RFN reporter Andy Mocksham and insisted on talking to him. Mocksham agreed.

This is an exclusive Real Fake News breaking story.

“Andy wake up, I had the most tremendous dream! I have been pardoned for everything by Mueller!”

Mocksham rubbed his eyes and then asked for more specifics.

“I just woke up from a bigly, fantastic dream. Two turkeys were walking around the White House and they cornered me in the oval office by my desk. No one else was there.
I told them to go away but one of them started talking to me.”

National Thanksgiving Turkeys Meet The Press Before Official Presidential Pardon

“Crazy, I know. Right?”

“He said his name was ‘Mueller’, and that his buddy was called ‘Bueller.’ They were very intimidating, that I can tell you. I asked them how much money they wanted to leave me alone and then they gobbled really loud.”

“I wet my depends, scary as hell. Bigly scary.”

“I almost woke up right then and there.”

“Then Mueller told me that he was going to give me a Thanksgiving pardon and that he would not take a bribe. I got so bigly excited that I can’t remember what he said after that. Something, something…resigning….helicopter…it became a bigly blur.”

“Then I was on Marine One waving goodbye to everybody just like at the end of my dream when I met that creepy old ex-President.

“I woke up and called you. Isn’t this a tremendous dream Andy?

“But what does it all mean?”

“Best Thanksgiving in American history, just tremendous let me tell you.”

Trump nixon

President Trump Blames Increase In Deadly Wild Fires On Smokey Bear And Too Many Trees

November 18th, 2018

Point Dume, Malibu, California:

While visiting the devastation wrought by wildfires in California yesterday, President Trump lashed out at those whom he said were responsible for the increase in deadly fires across the USA, especially the western states.

“These bigly fires are only happening because of the low energy of the US Forest Service and their director Smokey Bear. He is way too old and needs to start cutting down some trees. He spends all his time out there at parades and national parks sucking up to celebrities. I know because I was one of those celebrities. He needs to get to work chopping down those damn trees so that they won’t catch fire and kill people.”

Smokey bear and arnold.jpg

Smokey Bear, 74 years old, agreed to chat with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham after the president’s media opt. He defended himself, the US Forest Service and trees.

“Hi Andy, it’s good to see you again. I respect the president, but his words are very incendiary.  Yes, I am 74 years old but I am just a mascot. I don’t actually do any wildfire prevention myself, never have. My job is to increase the awareness of the problem so that everyone who lives in the forest or around grasslands, including my many animal friends can be safe.”

“The trees and grasslands are also not the problems here. There is some debate about whether we need to allow some small fires to prevent bigger ones, that’s true, but selling off the national forests to logging companies is not the answer either.”

“I’m Smokey Bear and don’t ever want to be the Weyerhaeuser Bear.”

smokey bear and family

 

 

White House To Use Moscow Temp Agency Amid Staffing Crisis

November 14th, 2018

Washington, DC: The White House released a press statement this morning announcing that because of a very high turnover in staffing, it will begin using temporary employees from a Russian temp agency in Moscow.

The statement came amidst a wave of resignations and firings inside the administration. No further explanation was given.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his still unsecured phone and asked him a few questions about the surprise announcement.

“Andy, it’s been tremendously crazy around here lately. I look around me every morning and there are fewer and fewer faces that I can recognize.”

“Staff is quitting faster than I can say ‘Ya Fiyad’. And the ones who I don’t actually fire are leaving even faster, bigly so.”

“Melania used to work for a temp agency in Moscow and she told me to have them find people to work for me. If they hired her then they know what I like.”

“You’ve met her, she is beautiful.”

Mocksham then barged into White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders office and asked about issues such as security clearance and citizenship requirements.

“Damn it Mocksham, look, good help is hard to find, especially for the lousy wages that federal workers get here in D.C.”

“Add to that the loyalty and trust issues that the President has with everyone.”

“Citizenship shmitezenship; everyone is a citizen somewhere, especially Caucasians. You fake news people are so critical of everything we do in this administration.”

“And they also know how to deal with you fake news people.”

“Best idea around here since borscht was put on the cafeteria menu. It’s delicious, the recipe came from new White House head chef Antonov.”

“I encourage all of the press to eat some.”

 

President Trump Awards Medal Of Freedom To Dr Evil

November 12th, 2018

Washington, DC:     President Trump today announced that he has awarded the nations highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal Of Freedom, to his biggest campaign contributor, Dr Evil.

The notorious global antagonist is said to have contributed over one billion US dollars to Trumps various businesses and political campaign.

When questioned by RFN reporter Andy Mocksham about how the President could award the medal of freedom to such a reviled global villain, white house press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders answered;

“OK look Mocksham, here you go again. This man is a committed doctor, philanthropist, and humanitarian, as well as a lifetime member of the international proliferation of weapons association.”

“He even has a laser mounted on the Moon that can destroy entire cities. If that doesn’t deserve a medal, then I don’t know what else a man can do.”

RFN reporter Mocksham then met with Dr Evil himself at one of his many hidden global secret lairs. When asked why he felt that he was deserving of the nations highest civilian honor, Dr Evil responded;

“Throw me a friggen bone Andy, I deserve it because if I don’t get it Mr Bigglesworth would get very angry” pointing to his pet cat.

“And he likes to break things. You wouldn’t want him breaking anything important, would you? Like global peace and prosperity? I didn’t think so.”

“Is not a little medal worth global peace? Besides, who else did you expect Trump would give it to? Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk? The friggen Pope?

“Amateurs.”

dr evil in his lair

Pat Robertson Promises The Ten Plagues Of Egypt If Democrats Win The House.

November 6th, 2018

Fort Wayne, Indiana:     While on the campaign trail today, President Trump was joined on stage by 700 club host, and former GOP candidate for President, Pat Robertson.

The iconic aging televangelist hobbled on to the stage powered only by the thoughts and prayers of his faithful financial contributors.

During his apocalyptic sermon on voting, TV reverend Robertson declared that the ancient ten plagues of Egypt would be unleashed upon the American landscape and render it an economic and social wasteland if the Democrats would win a majority in the Senate and House of representatives.

“Your tap water will be turned to blood, gay frogs will enter your orifices, transgendered snakes and other reptiles will fill your public bathrooms, all of your livestock will turn homosexual and never breed again, your skin will be covered with blue liberal boils, socialist hail the size of Oprah Winfrey will rain down upon your property and destroy it, locusts as big as unpatriotic NFL athletes who kneel for the national anthem will eat your flags, there will be huge three day rolling power outages of darkness across the land and your firstborn will all be aborted retroactively.”

RFN asked to interview the televangelist about his horrific rhetoric and was denied.

White House Press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders had this to say when questioned by RFN reporter Andy Mocksham;

“Look Mocksham, I am tired of you asking me so many fake news type questions. Reverend Robertson’s words speak for themselves.”

“Do you want these damn plagues, Andy? I know that I sure don’t, and I speak for all the other patriotic Americans of faith who feel the same way and contribute whatever they can to our campaign to keep America safe from liberal plagues.”

“I sure don’t want any gay frogs in my orifices Mocksham. Do you?”

The audience at the rally was provided with a souvenir artists rendering of the ten plagues drawn by other evangelical pastors.
trump ten plauges2

 

President Trump Signs Executive Order Using The Currency From His Defunct Board Game To Eliminate The Budget Deficit

October 21st, 2018

Washington, DC: Pulitzer Prize award winner for journalism, RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, returned to his cherished correspondent duty this past week. His first assignment was based on a tip from several whistle-blowers inside the Federal Reserve, Dept of the Treasury and the White House itself.

Concerned by the ballooning deficit created by last years tax reform bill, the White House signed an executive order that would use the multi-colored currency from President Trumps now discontinued board game to pay down the national debt.

trump the game money

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham contacted the President on his still unsecured galaxy smartphone and asked him a few questions about the new Executive order, and how it will affect the deficit.

When asked why he would want to use fake currency from his defunct board game to buy down the federal deficit, Trump responded;

“That’s a great question Andy, I can’t understand why the rest of the fake news completely misses the stories that you dig into so bigly.”

“You are the best. I’m glad your hand is better.”

“Here is the deal. I needed those humongous tax breaks last year. Truth is that no matter how much I pilfer from the tax coffers by golfing every weekend, I’m still going broke. For some reason, those tax breaks are also making the country go broke.”

“I’m not an economist Andy, I’m a frustrated game show host. I would have been much happier as the host of Hollywood Squares or Wheel of Fortune, but I missed those opportunities by choosing the Apprentice and then putting all my effort behind my amazing board game.”

“It was so much better than Monopoly.”

“No one wanted to buy either version of my tremendous game. I printed billions of Trump dollars for both versions but only sold a few hundred thousand. It was a bigly colossal failure Andy.”

“Tremendously so.”

“I have billions of Trump Game dollars left over to balance the federal budget. But everyone is telling me that I can’t use them.”

“I don’t understand why. Canada has an amazing economy and they have been using Monopoly money since the 1930’s”

canadian money

Mocksham17