Category: Domestic

White House Announces Plan For Shutdown ‘Payday Loans’ To Federal Workers To Pay For Border Wall.

January 5th, 2019

Washington, DC: White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney announced a new program to assist federal employees impacted by the partial government shutdown. His plan is to allow affected workers to receive ‘Shutdown payday loans’ to help them cope financially with the Trump administrations shuttering of their jobs over funding for a border wall made either from concrete, steel, or uncollected garbage from national parks.

uncollected trash

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham barged into Mulvaney’s office in the west wing and slammed the door behind him. Without even asking one question, Mulvaney started to ramble;

“Listen up Mocksham, I don’t care about your fake news, OK.”

“Payday loans are the backbone of modern American commerce dude. The entire global economy is basically one giant payday loan, wake up Andy!”

“When I was the head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, I saw first hand how profitable payday loans are. It’s a no-brainer to force 800,000 federal workers into a situation where they have no choice but to accept short-term loans on their furloughed paychecks.”

“The longer we string this shutdown out, the more they will owe, and the more we will have to pay for the wall.”

“Since most federal employees love eating Mexican food, and all Mexican food is made by illegal Mexicans, Mexico will be paying for the wall through this program.”

“Viva the federal employee shut down payday loans!

mulvaney orange hair

“How do you like my orange hair Andy?”

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Trump Accuses Santa Of Controlling The Deep State

 

December 25th, 2018

Washington, DC:     President Trump has accused legendary goodwill toy maker Santa Claus of being in control of the so-called ‘Deep State’ and that he is also behind the Mueller investigation.

The press release was made while the President was all alone inside the white house as the rest of the staff were either at home for the Christmas holiday, or furloughed by the partial government shutdown over funding for a border wall.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to the white house and was allowed to ask the President a few questions about the statement. When asked if he made the statement and if so, what proof was there that Santa was in control of the deep state, the President responded;

“You gotta listen to me Andy, I’m not crazy! I was sitting here all alone in this bigly house and it all became so clear, like a vision. I wasn’t even watching Fox or anything else, so it’s all my own thoughts on this.”

“I was looking back at recent events and clearly the only person who could have seen me being naughty is Santa, right? He knows when you’ve been naughty.”

“But how could he possibly know? I’ll tell you how, the deep state, that’s how.”

“They all work for him, it’s the ultimate collusion and no one wants to even talk about it with me. it’s as if everyone is afraid of this creepy guy who spies on all of us all year long.”

“Many people also think this but are too scaredly of him to even consider it.”

“I arrested him last Christmas for the safety of the markets from all of his free socialist crap he gives away and he somehow managed to escape. How could he escape and not be shot down without collusion with the deep state Andy, how?”

“And now the markets are all collapsing, it’s his fault, not mine.”

“And then last night I watched as NORAD was able to track him going all over the place like they all work for him and not me, I mean really, I am the damn President, not Santa. Nobody even cares that am stuck here all alonely and all, explain that Mocksham.”

santa deep state

“I even sent Santa a letter asking him for my bigly beautiful wall and to have Mueller back off of me and my family but he didn’t even answer me back, so obviously he is also behind the wall not being funded by Congress.”

santa deep state 3

“He has never answered my letters, ever. I knew when I was seven that he was never my friend, marginally at first, but for sure not my friend now.”

“This shut down is all Santa and his deep states fault, not mine. He should man up and take the blame.”

“You want further proof, Andy? Why did they name the NSA the NSA? I’ll tell you why.  It stands for the National Santa Agency.”

“Print that in your fake news!”

President Trump Taps Swamp Thing For White House Chief Of Staff

December 11th, 2018

Washington, DC:      In a surprise press release today, the white house informed the world that President Trump has chosen the Swamp Thing as his new Chief of Staff. The announcement stated that the new Chief of Staff would take over the job at the beginning of the year in January.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was not available for comment and the door to her office was locked.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach both the president and the soon to be Chief of Staff however and was able to ask both of them about the surprise selection for the position.

When asked why he chose Swamp Thing as his new Chief of Staff, Trump responded;

“Andy, I have said in the past that I only hire the best people, and I still do. The west wing is a bubbling bigly smelly swamp of creatures already, so I picked the best man or plant, not sure what he is really, for the job.”

“He will bring a new atmosphere to the slimy mess around here, that’s for sure. Melania is not too crazy about how he dresses or the way he smells, but hey, I’m the boss around here.”

“Besides, no one else wanted the job for some reason.”

When Mocksham spoke to the Swamp Thing, he asked him why he wanted to be the Presidents Chief of Staff while so many others are abandoning the administration, and what will be the changes he plans to make if any. He answered;

“Andy my old friend, this job is perfect for me. Washington DC was built on an old swamp and has been nicknamed a swamp for decades. The current administration has been making the waters even murkier and I feel that it’s finally my time to serve.”

“Changes? Sure, I plan quite a few changes around here.  But as much as I love your real fake news, I’m not going to tip my hand before I get sworn in.”

“I will only say this for now. The white house swimming pool has been turned into a slimy swamp, just for starters. I need to freshen up with a good swim in dark murky waters with my swamp friends a few times a day. The President has taken a few swims in it already and he really enjoys it, he seems quite at home in it. Besides, he needs the exercise.”

“Nobody around here wanted to swim in the old pool anyway, too much chlorine.”

President Trump enjoying a swim in the newly renovated white house swimming pool
trump in the swamp

President Trump Pardoned By ‘Mueller.’

November 22nd, 2018

Washington, DC: President Trump awoke early this am convinced that he had received a complete exoneration of any possible federal or state charges whatsoever.

After waking from a dream, as he has done many times before, the President called RFN reporter Andy Mocksham and insisted on talking to him. Mocksham agreed.

This is an exclusive Real Fake News breaking story.

“Andy wake up, I had the most tremendous dream! I have been pardoned for everything by Mueller!”

Mocksham rubbed his eyes and then asked for more specifics.

“I just woke up from a bigly, fantastic dream. Two turkeys were walking around the White House and they cornered me in the oval office by my desk. No one else was there.
I told them to go away but one of them started talking to me.”

National Thanksgiving Turkeys Meet The Press Before Official Presidential Pardon

“Crazy, I know. Right?”

“He said his name was ‘Mueller’, and that his buddy was called ‘Bueller.’ They were very intimidating, that I can tell you. I asked them how much money they wanted to leave me alone and then they gobbled really loud.”

“I wet my depends, scary as hell. Bigly scary.”

“I almost woke up right then and there.”

“Then Mueller told me that he was going to give me a Thanksgiving pardon and that he would not take a bribe. I got so bigly excited that I can’t remember what he said after that. Something, something…resigning….helicopter…it became a bigly blur.”

“Then I was on Marine One waving goodbye to everybody just like at the end of my dream when I met that creepy old ex-President.

“I woke up and called you. Isn’t this a tremendous dream Andy?

“But what does it all mean?”

“Best Thanksgiving in American history, just tremendous let me tell you.”

Trump nixon

President Trump Blames Increase In Deadly Wild Fires On Smokey Bear And Too Many Trees

November 18th, 2018

Point Dume, Malibu, California:

While visiting the devastation wrought by wildfires in California yesterday, President Trump lashed out at those whom he said were responsible for the increase in deadly fires across the USA, especially the western states.

“These bigly fires are only happening because of the low energy of the US Forest Service and their director Smokey Bear. He is way too old and needs to start cutting down some trees. He spends all his time out there at parades and national parks sucking up to celebrities. I know because I was one of those celebrities. He needs to get to work chopping down those damn trees so that they won’t catch fire and kill people.”

Smokey bear and arnold.jpg

Smokey Bear, 74 years old, agreed to chat with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham after the president’s media opt. He defended himself, the US Forest Service and trees.

“Hi Andy, it’s good to see you again. I respect the president, but his words are very incendiary.  Yes, I am 74 years old but I am just a mascot. I don’t actually do any wildfire prevention myself, never have. My job is to increase the awareness of the problem so that everyone who lives in the forest or around grasslands, including my many animal friends can be safe.”

“The trees and grasslands are also not the problems here. There is some debate about whether we need to allow some small fires to prevent bigger ones, that’s true, but selling off the national forests to logging companies is not the answer either.”

“I’m Smokey Bear and don’t ever want to be the Weyerhaeuser Bear.”

smokey bear and family

 

 

White House To Use Moscow Temp Agency Amid Staffing Crisis

November 14th, 2018

Washington, DC: The White House released a press statement this morning announcing that because of a very high turnover in staffing, it will begin using temporary employees from a Russian temp agency in Moscow.

The statement came amidst a wave of resignations and firings inside the administration. No further explanation was given.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his still unsecured phone and asked him a few questions about the surprise announcement.

“Andy, it’s been tremendously crazy around here lately. I look around me every morning and there are fewer and fewer faces that I can recognize.”

“Staff is quitting faster than I can say ‘Ya Fiyad’. And the ones who I don’t actually fire are leaving even faster, bigly so.”

“Melania used to work for a temp agency in Moscow and she told me to have them find people to work for me. If they hired her then they know what I like.”

“You’ve met her, she is beautiful.”

Mocksham then barged into White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders office and asked about issues such as security clearance and citizenship requirements.

“Damn it Mocksham, look, good help is hard to find, especially for the lousy wages that federal workers get here in D.C.”

“Add to that the loyalty and trust issues that the President has with everyone.”

“Citizenship shmitezenship; everyone is a citizen somewhere, especially Caucasians. You fake news people are so critical of everything we do in this administration.”

“And they also know how to deal with you fake news people.”

“Best idea around here since borscht was put on the cafeteria menu. It’s delicious, the recipe came from new White House head chef Antonov.”

“I encourage all of the press to eat some.”

 

President Trump Awards Medal Of Freedom To Dr Evil

November 12th, 2018

Washington, DC:     President Trump today announced that he has awarded the nations highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal Of Freedom, to his biggest campaign contributor, Dr Evil.

The notorious global antagonist is said to have contributed over one billion US dollars to Trumps various businesses and political campaign.

When questioned by RFN reporter Andy Mocksham about how the President could award the medal of freedom to such a reviled global villain, white house press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders answered;

“OK look Mocksham, here you go again. This man is a committed doctor, philanthropist, and humanitarian, as well as a lifetime member of the international proliferation of weapons association.”

“He even has a laser mounted on the Moon that can destroy entire cities. If that doesn’t deserve a medal, then I don’t know what else a man can do.”

RFN reporter Mocksham then met with Dr Evil himself at one of his many hidden global secret lairs. When asked why he felt that he was deserving of the nations highest civilian honor, Dr Evil responded;

“Throw me a friggen bone Andy, I deserve it because if I don’t get it Mr Bigglesworth would get very angry” pointing to his pet cat.

“And he likes to break things. You wouldn’t want him breaking anything important, would you? Like global peace and prosperity? I didn’t think so.”

“Is not a little medal worth global peace? Besides, who else did you expect Trump would give it to? Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk? The friggen Pope?

“Amateurs.”

dr evil in his lair