Category: Domestic

Canadian Grandma Lilith Invents Time Travel

March 18th, 2017

Winnipeg Manitoba, Canada: Famous Pegger inventor Granny Lilith Mackenzie, who has been a prolific inventor her entire life, accidentally stumbled upon time travel when she used her room heater to dry out her grandsons car who had left his sunroof open the night before.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was excited to see her again and ask her aboot her latest invention. When he asked her to describe how she did it, she responded:

“Barry, my grandson came home from work in the Lichtenstein food stall at the Forks market, and left his sunroof open all night. It rained and his front seats were good n soaked. I put my infrared room heater in between the front seats to speed up the drying out process.”

“Little did I know that I would also be distorting time itself !”

“That damn infrared heater, when combined with the Ford Focus ST 2.0 ecoboost turbo engine reacted just like the Flux Capacitor in the Back to the Future movies.”

“Only you don’t need any plutonium or a stainless steel car body to pull it off. Damn Mocksham, the car doesn’t even have to be moving! This particular infrared heater when cranked all the way up puts out exactly 1.21 gigahertz of infrared radiation. It has a frequency of 3000nm of wavelength with a quartz tungsten core. It’s a powerful beast !”

“I love Barry’s car and I frequently start it up and rev the engine to red line just to hear that thing rumble and pop. WOOOO!!! Turns out that at red line, this Borg Warner Ecoboost turbo engine reaches the exact same frequency as the infrared heater and things get crazy really fast! I blacked out and woke up a week earlier before the seats even got soaked!”flux capacitor

Mocksham was able to ask Barry about this to verify granny Lilith’s story, and he said:

“Hahaha, no way dude, Granny was drinking Crown Royal and passed out, you see?
She woke up the next afternoon cause it was so warm in my car with that heater cranked all the way up. She swore it was a week earlier because I had disconnected my battery last weekend and the time and date were totally hosed by a week!”

“God I love Granny Lilly. Remember when she invented warp drive and swore she spent the weekend on the pleasure planet Risa using my girlfriend’s vibrator!”

“That was kinda awkward, Eh Andy? We aboot lost our minds laughing, eh?

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President Trumps Third Travel Ban To Include Any US State That Challenges Him In Court.

March 18th, 2017

Washington, DC:  The White House today released President Trumps third Executive Order banning travel. The new Order also banned travel to and from the USA by citizens in three states that challenged the Presidents first two travel bans in court on a constitutional basis.

The information release also stated that the new ban was not “static”, and that it could evolve to include other US states that dared challenge the President in “Those horrible, horrible, courts with totally loser Judges that think they are more important than the President.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to have an espresso in the Olympia, Washington state capitol with that state Attorney General, Bob Ferguson. When asked how he plans to respond to the new executive order, Ferguson replied,

“Andy, we are not too worried about it. There is no way that the executive branch can possibly think that it can ban travel from states in the USA. This will be a slam dunk when we file.”

“Besides, we noticed that the fine print in the Presidents Executive order said Washington ‘DC’ instead of Washington state.”

“Also, it spelled Hawaii with a ‘V’ instead of a ‘W’ and used an ‘S’ in Maryland.”

“So the order is actually banning travel from DC, Havaii and Marysland.”

President Trumps 2005 Tax Return Shows That He Pays Less In taxes Than Illegal Immigrants

March 16th, 2017

Washington, DC: President Trump leaked his 2005 income tax return to reporter David Cay Johnston and they were shown to the public on MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow show. The 1040’s show that the President paid $38million in taxes that year.

The president was hoping that this leak would impress Americans with his wealth and dedication to paying taxes. But our experts noticed that $38 million is a paltry amount considering that undocumented illegal immigrants pay $11.6 billion a year. And that the Federal, and many state budgets would collapse without their tax contributions.

While the rest of the mainstream media has ignored these facts, The Real Fake news and our reporter Andy Mocksham has blown this story wide open.

According to a study by the Institute of Taxation and Economic Policy, the 11 million undocumented immigrants in the US pay taxes on goods, services, homes, and personal income.     http://www.itep.org/immigration/

Reporter Mocksham was able to get a few minutes with White House communications director Sean Spicer and he asked him if the President and he were aware of these numbers. Spicer responded,

“C’mon Andy, that is total BS, where do you get your fake news info? Everyone knows that illegals are taking away all of our jobs while they lay around all day and just collect all of the freebies like welfare and I phones! What the hell have you been smoking?

“Go and tell the President what you just told me, he needs a good laugh.”

When Mocksham went into the Oval office and asked the President what he thought about the tax numbers he replied,

“Yeah Andy I read that report. I know the facts, why do you think I always try to hire illegals?”

“Those people show up every damn day and they bust their ass.”

“ I have to keep saying the hateful lies because my voter base loves that shit. I would have never won the Republican nomination if I told the truth about how important these people are to our economy and society.”

“Besides, what did you think I meant when I said that Mexico was going to pay for my wall?”

“Twelve billion dollars a year will have that wall paid off in 2 years.”

Wikileaks Dump Reveals That Dr Evil Can Control Every Smart Device On Earth.

March 8th, 2017

Undisclosed Secret Location: Wikileaks has released a data dump that shows how Dr Evil has been able to hack everyday electronic devices. It also shows how Dr Evil can use and control them.

Everything from smart phones, smart TV’s, computers, cars, health and activity monitors, refrigerators, toasters and even some adult sex toys.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to meet up with Dr Evil in one of his secret lairs located around the world and on the moon. When asked how Wikileaks was able to obtain the data, and how he plans to use all these devices, he answered,

“I’m frickin pissed Mocksham. How the hell am I supposed to know who leaked my evil tactics.”

“I suspect that it was Mr Bigglesworth. He disappeared a month ago after I stopped feeding him live baby puppies and wouldn’t let him have a laser placed on his head. Spoiled frickin cat.”

“How am I going to use these devices? You are a great reporter Mocksham, but not that good.”

“An Evil Dr. never reveals his plans. Muahahaha, Muahahahahahaha” He stated placing his little finger by the edge of his mouth.

“Trump thinks that it was Obama who listened in on his silliness, Muahahahahaha”

“Besides, It’s not me that all the world’s governments should be afraid of. Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are the ones who are really trying to take over the world.”

“Maybe Austin Powers should be brought out of cryogenics and pay those two a visit.”

“Throw me a fricken bone here.”

President Trump meets with Health Insurance Death Panel

February 28th,2017

Washington, DC:     US President Trump held a meeting yesterday with a death panel of the nations largest health insurance company CEO’s.

They discussed the most favorable way to repeal the Affordable Care Act (ACA) or Obama care as it is most commonly called.

While no one specific type of plan was decided on, they all agreed that the best way to proceed was to only cover healthy young people.

Americans with pre-existing conditions and the elderly would all be left to fight over a drastically reduced pool of Medicaid and Medicare funding until they all filed for bankruptcy and died off.

This would maximize profits and make their shareholders very happy, ensuring the highest possible bonuses and compensation packages for each of the respective CEO’s and their board of directors.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask the President a few questions after the meeting.

When asked if such a plan would do irreparable damage to the medical industry and the very fabric of American society, even possibly causing it to collapse, the president replied.

“Mocksham, I like you. You are the only fake news reporter I will ever talk to. Yes, the American health care system and society could fall apart bigly if we move to a vouchering or healthier savings account type of system, but sometimes you have to tear something down in order to make it even bigly’er”

“Who would have thought that profiting from health care and boosting Wall Street was so complicated?”

“Besides, when all that bad stuff happens I will just blame all the sick people.”

White House Forces Entire Staff to undergo Plumbing classes to stop leaks

February 27th,2017

Washington DC:    Sources inside the White House have leaked that communications director Sean Spicer held a meeting with the entire staff in an attempt to stop further leaks inside the administration.

In a phone conversation with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, our clandestine White House source whom we will only call “Liquid Plumber” let this leak out,

“Spicey ordered all of us into his office for a closed door bitch out session. He told us that there are entirely way too many leaks and he ordered us to all attend a local plumbing class on how to prevent and repair leaks.”

“Then he ordered us all to place our phones on his desk and told us that they were all going to be checked for water and other types of leaks.”

“When we got our phones back they all had a do it yourself plumber app called ‘Leak stopper’ installed on them.”

“Then we were all handed a bucket with a bag of rags and were told that we were to carry them with us at all times, and that if we spotted any leaks we were to promptly stuff them with the rags and place the bucket underneath it.”

“Then use the phone app to repair it.”

President Trump Taps Mr Clean To Wipe Up The Mess He Inherited

February 23rd, 2017

Washington DC:    President Trump and White House chief of staff Reince Priebus announced to the media today that the administration has hired 60 year old advertising cartoon character Mr Clean to “Go inch by inch and clean up this huge mess we inherited both economically and in foreign policy” Priebus said.

The President made a statement to the press gathered in the Oval office,

“I inherited a huge mess. The worst mess in the history of our country. It’s so messed up around here let me tell you. What a big mess. So bigly believe me.”

“I have never seen a mess this big since the last time I filed for chapter 11.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak to Mr Clean and asked him just what mess the President was specifically speaking about.

“I have no idea really, looks pretty damn shipshape around here, easiest cleaning gig I will ever have.”  Clean said with a glow in his eye and a shining sparkle in his teeth.

Echoing Priebus, President Trump made one final statement and then dismissed the media without taking any questions,

“Mr Clean is going to go inch by inch and stain by stain with his magic eraser and wipe away all the brown spots left behind from the last administration and make this place sparkling white again.” Trump proclaimed.