October 31st, 2017
Morton, Illinois: Federal officials from the FDA and Homeland security placed an emergency recall on GMO pumpkins that have attacked several people in the Midwest USA.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was dispatched to the pumpkin capitol of the world, Morton, Illinois, to investigate this gruesome, frightening story.
Mockshams investigation uncovered some startling details about genetically modified pumpkins that have not been approved by the FDA. A large local pumpkin grower, Jack Lantern, is believed to have modified the DNA of prized local pumpkins with that of the deadliest fresh water fish on earth, the Piranha.
Mocksham was only allowed a short interview with Mr Lantern.
“Nice to finally meet you Mocksham. Nice jacket and hat by the way. OK, my 12 year old daughter is a genius. She loves pumpkins and for some reason, Piranha. I thank Animal Planet for that. Anyways, she discovered a gene in a very deadly species of Piranha that makes them aggressive towards its traditional pests out in the rivers of south America during breeding season.”
“She took that gene and spliced it into the genes that produce the same response in pumpkins and other gourds during their breeding season. It’s as simple as that.”
When asked if they did any trials before selling the GMO pumpkins, Lantern responded;
“Of course we did. It worked flawlessly. We used no pesticides whatsoever and our crop quadrupled. For the first time we were able to get our organic application and begin the process to get certified.”
“It was like a miracle until two days ago when the shit hit the fan and people who purchased them started to get attacked and become dismembered.”
“We were just about to modify giant pumpkins with the same genes right before Homeland security shut us down.”
“Damn, that would have been just ghastly if an army of giant flesh eating pumpkins ever got loose.”
“I guess this explains the disappearance of several field workers the last two harvesting seasons. We thought they were just afraid of Trump and ICE. Guess the joke is on us. Whoops.”