Category: Galaxy

Cinco De Mayo Celebrated At Area 51

May 5th, 2018

Area 51, Nevada: Area 51 is having its annual Cinco De Mayo festivities located inside the secret compounds underground bar.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham is always invited to the 51 Cinco fest or ‘Cenyohual’ (‘all night’ in the native Mexican ancient Nahuatl alien language) and this year he is attending the festival.

The party is just as much a secret to the outside world as the mysterious area 51 itself. It has become a very well attended festival with party goers from the entire galaxy, further distant galaxies, as well as earthlings from various places in time.

This is an exclusive report from the Real Fake news.

The ‘Cenyohual’ festival was started many millennia ago when Earth was very primitive, with humans still not able to even make fire, or grow food.

The first Aliens who visited Earth built the huge pyramid complexes all over the planet, and Mexico was where their off-world government was located here on Earth. ‘Cenyohual’ was the very first annual celebration of good fortune for the newcomers. It traditionally lasted all night long. Tequila, the most popular ‘Cenyohual’ beverage, was originally brought to Earth, cultivated and distilled by the Tau’ri people many centuries BC.

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Now that area 51 exists, the party has been kept secluded and hidden inside the vast underground facility.

So far tonight the ambassador of Tau’ri, has drunk the most tequila at the party. It is a tradition that he do so.

tau'ri ambassador

One of the bartenders has been sent home after being nearly asphyxiated to death by a slightly miffed Darth Vader.

darth vader lack of tequila

The original Enterprise crew, NCC-1701, has sent a message from deep space to all the partygoers wishing them a great Cenyohual festival.

Enterprise bridge sombrero

As well as later versions of the crew. This was the message from the Enterprise NCC-1701-D. The Cenyohual celebration is the only time that Star Fleet will authorize any temporal manipulations.

next generation with sombreros

Our Reporter Andy Mocksham is still at the party. He has been challenged to a lightsaber battle by Luke Skywalker.luke skywalker sombrero

The entire RFN team wishes everyone a safe and fun Cinco de Mayo, or ‘Cenyohual.’

Stay tuned for updates.

Update: May 6th, 2018. The hungover Tau’ri ambassador is soaking in the hot Nevada sun, sweating out the remaining tequila and drinking coconut water.

alien hangover

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Trump Orders NASA To Build Golf Resort On Mars.

March 18th, 2018

Washington, DC:   The White House announced that President Trump has signed an executive order that gives the space agency authorization to build a golf resort on Mars. The order comes on the heels of Trump’s announcement that he plans to build a “Space Force” to defend his golf resorts here on Earth.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his unsecured Galaxy phone and asked him why NASA should build a golf resort on Mars. He responded;

“Mars is a perfect place for one of my tremendous Trump brand golf resorts Andy. The terrain is rugged, it has bigly hills and boulders. Its location would make it the most exclusive golf resort in our galaxy.”

“It would be desolate, much like my resort in Scotland. The Scots are all great people, but crap Mocksham, that place looks a lot like Alaska, only without Sarah Palin.”

When asked what the name of the resort would be, Trump answered;

“Christ Andy that is a no-brainer, even for you and your fake news.”

“Mars a Lago”

“I plan on spending every weekend there as President for life.”

mars a lago 4 (2)_InPixio

NASA Places SOS Message On White House Roof

March 1st, 2018

Washington, DC:     Nasa confirmed today that they were responsible for the large phallus shaped SOS message drawn on the roof of the White House.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham broke the story after he went up to the roof of the White House and noticed the drawing. When he asked who made the drawing, The White House roof staff responded;

“A team of NASA personnel just showed up one day and drew it.”

Mocksham then contacted NASA headquarters. NASA spokesperson Buzz Gemini agreed to answer a few questions. Mocksham asked if NASA made the drawing on the White House roof, and if so, why? Gemini answered;

“Yes Mocksham, we drew the large phallus on the roof of the White House. We here at NASA have seen many symbols found on other planets, the moon and yes, even here on Earth. The Nazca plains in Peru for example.”nazca phallus

Mars phallusmars phallus

“It is quite obvious from our knowledge of this ancient alien language that the phallus is the symbol of a planet being screwed over, so we felt it to be imperative that we place it on the roof of the most powerful building on Earth.”

“Maybe the Vulcans will see it and intervene in our planets time line a century earlier than planned.”

“The Ferengi are already here.”

NASA Claims It Has Proof That Conservatives Are Led By The Ferengi

December 2nd, 2017

Area 51, Nevada:    NASA today revealed it has proof that the entire conservative, or ‘Neo-Liberal’ movement of the last forty years has been controlled by operatives of the Ferengi Alliance. A defector from that planets board of liquidators revealed some startling information that goes a long way to explain many economic programs in the UK and USA since the late 70’s.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a meeting with the defector, as long as his identity is kept a secret. This is what he revealed to Mocksham;

“Nice to meet you Mocksham, as you know, since the late 70’s the neo-liberal movement began here on Earth. It was all started when members of the Ferengi commerce authority realized that the best way to accumulate the wealth of this planet was through the political process. They began our takeover by having DaiMon Thatcher become the Grand Nagus or prime minister of the UK. She was ruthless in passing laws that broke the backs of unions and privatizing many public services for vast amounts of profit.”

ferengi thatcher

“The movement continued with the great American Nagus Reagan, who duplicated her success in transferring wealth to the top in his country. It has also been championed by the many proud Ferengi who have become the top CEO’s of most of the earth banks and large corporations like Nestle.”

ferengi brabeck=letmathe

“These elite Ferengi members of the commerce authority have infiltrated every level of government in most of Earths countries now, even at state and local levels. The Ferengi rules of acquisition have been modified and adapted to the crude Human form of capitalism practiced here. Your planets resources and wealth are then converted to gold pressed latinum and transferred ‘Offshore’ to our planets Divine Treasury.”

“Now, with DaiMon Trump as US President, and many Ferengi in the US Congress, the ability to pass even more profitable laws like the GOP’s new tax legislation will accelerate the process. Soon, many more Humans will be left homeless and without medical insurance.”

“This pleases us greatly since it is only through the suffering of the masses that great wealth flows to the few.”

ferengi trump

 

Mr Conehead Sells Classic Remulak Entertainment Center

May 1st, 2017

Paramus, New Jersey: Local Paramus NJ resident Beldar Conehead has placed his much loved and rare family entertainment center from his home planet of Remulak for sale on E bay.

Conehead owns the original patent and prototype for the futuristic Kuba Comet combination Am/FM, 8 track player, multi-speed turntable and color 19-inch television set.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham saw the ad on E bay and immediately contacted his old friend to ask him why he wanted to sell his rare and cherished possession:

“It is hard to say goodbye to an old friend Mocksham. We brought Kuba with us from Remulak when we relocated to earth for good. It has been a faithful companion for many, many Zurls.”

“But now we have grandchildren and they are more interested in mass quantities of entertainment from less elegant and tasteful devices created here on Earth.”

“Also Prymaat told me to sell it. She wants a new Samsung 65 inch ultra 4K television that she saw in the big store of mass quantity, Costco.”

“If any Earthlings are interested in the Kuba Comet from Remulak, it is all original. All tubes and transistors have been upgraded and meet with current strict Remulakian standards for consumer electronic devices.”

“It also has a special feature that I have added that no other Kuba Comet has. On my home planet when the three moons align we have a great festival culminated by a traditional battle of chosen ones who Narfle the Garthok. It is pay per view on Remulak but I have hacked the codes and this TV shows it live every month.”

“My Narfle is still the best. It was a hole in one.”

conehead hole in one

Conehead family
Mr. and Mrs. Conehead with daughter Connie

Operational Death Star In Earth Orbit Used For First Time

April 7th, 2017

Near Earth Orbit: Military experts announced that the US has used its newly operational Death Star located in Earth orbit to attack a Syrian airbase. The Pentagon’s official statement is that the attack was a Tomahawk cruise missile strike.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to make contact with the Pentagons Missile Defense Agency director Dr Strangelove. When asked what all this means, Strangelove replied:

“MOCKSHAM! Vee now have zzzeeee…Ugh, aghk unhhh…Death Star. It iz…OPERATIONAL!”

“But vee cannot….Allow zis to become….ugh…aghk….known. So ze cruz mizzles will be blamed for ze…”

“ATTACK…Gah…Unnngh…Agghhh!!!! Hahaha…Haha…Hahaha…”

White House communications director Sean Spicer officially denied that the US had attacked Syria and accused the “Fake news media of fabricating the whole thing for ratings.”

dr-strangelove

Galactic Emperor Palpatine Claims That Former National Security Adviser Susan Rice Unmasked Him and others.

April 6th, 2017

Earth Near Orbit: Galactic Empire Emperor Palpatine shocked the Galaxy with claims that the Obama administration National Security Adviser, Susan Rice, unmasked him and gained access to his personal and private activities.

The Dark Lord held a press conference and blamed the Obama administration for trying to spy on him and his galactic empire.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to meet up with Emperor Palpatine while he was on Earth, meeting with world leaders in an undisclosed location in a major world capital.

When asked why what Susan Rice did was any different than what any other NSA head would do, the Emperor said:

“ I grow tired of this planets petty partisan politics. I could care less if you unmask me as the Galactic Emperor. Yes, I also dealt with Putin. And Merkel. And Xi Jinping. Why wouldn’t I?

“But now I have to deal with that Idiot Trump. So I have to direct attention away from his stupidity by having him still blame everything on Obama.”

“But what really made me laugh was when Trump tried to unmask Lord Vader.”

“We are all still laughing about that one.”