Category: Health care

Health care, Lifestyle, Medical, Politics, Social, Taxes

Senate Proposes ‘McCain’ Health Care Reform Bill Based On The Senates Own Coverage.

July20th, 2017

Washington DC:    Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R Ky) shocked the country today when he announced a new comprehensive health care plan based on his and other senators own coverage.

The new bill named the ‘McCain Health Care Reform Act of 2017’ was announced by McConnell in a statement to the media.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the senator from Kentucky and before any questions were asked, McConnell spoke about the stunning new legislation:

“Mocksham, I know what you are going to ask, and all I am going to say is that it would be the height of cynicism to just repeal the ACA while one of our own is enjoying stellar coverage that taxpayers are subsidizing without making that coverage available to every American without restriction.”

When asked how the new plan will be funded McConnell said;

“That was the easy part. We just removed the income ceiling on the Social Security and Medicare payroll tax.”

“Now every American will pay the same tax on 100% of their income. Not a fraction of it like Millionaires, Billionaires and our President and his cabinet do.”

“I will no doubt be out of a job next election cycle when my own party and Fox news tells my constituents to vote against me and their own best interests next primary.”

“I have nothing to lose really since this bill has no chance in hell of ever passing through a Republican congress and being signed into law by Trump.”

“That is how the sausage gets made Mocksham. It’s a bloody mess made from the carnage of average Americans.”

“But Americans gobble it up.”

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Health care, Medical, Politics, Social

Grim Reaper Praises Latest GOP Senate Health Care Plan

July 14th, 2017

Washington, DC:     The Grim Reaper broke his timeless silence today and came out in support of Republican Senator Mitch McConnell’s revised GOP health care plan. Death has never openly supported any legislation, nor even felt that it was necessary.

Death granted a first time interview with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham at his office inside of Senator McConnell’s DC home. When asked why he felt that it was time to speak out in favor of this, or any legislation, Mr Reaper spoke:

“Mocksham, death is not to be feared. Put away your crucifix, it has no power over me. I am breaking my silence because I want people to stop fighting me. For centuries I could always depend on the old ways. Plague, pestilence, war, murder and so on. But along comes modern medicine and this God forsaken socialism.”

“Today, people have longer lifespans. Vaccines and antibiotics have made my job a lot harder Mocksham. Government health care plans have made life saving medicine affordable to the masses. Government scientists can isolate new viruses like Ebola and SARS right away and stop me in my tracks.”

“The WWW has connected people all over the world and made it harder to hate each other. War will soon become obsolete. Jesus H Christ I can’t even get anyone to start WWIII in the Middle East or Korea!!

“So my last hope is to make people fear government health care in the USA and make costs in the US become so expensive that people just decide to come with me right away when they get sick, and receive their first set of medical billing statements.”

“My next move will be to get the GOP to make medical bills exempt from bankruptcy law in the USA.”

“I will not be denied my harvest Mocksham.”

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Health care, Law, Politics, Uncategorized

GOP Senator Palpatine Moves His Healthcare Bill Towards A Vote

June 25th, 2017

Washington, DC: The GOP controlled US senate has moved a step closer to their dream of finally repealing and replacing the ACA, or Obamacare. GOP senator Palpatine has been the force behind the new legislation.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted an interview with the senator in his capitol office. When asked why he is supporting a healthcare bill that will leave millions of low income and elderly Americans without coverage he answered:

“Do you feel the hate? … It is the source of my strength. Americans hate me. No matter. Today I have the power of life and death over my constituents.”

“Their fear and loathing makes me glow with power” he proclaimed as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“The masses have no need for medicaid any longer. Their suffering is how a society becomes stronger Mocksham.”

“McConnell thinks that these were his ideas, when in fact they were mine, cleverly suggested to him so that he could feed them back to me. Also, Trump is weak and far too trusting…”

“Yes Mocksham, I sense your anger, YES….LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOU.”

“Now, can you see the futility of taxing wealthy Americans to care for the sick?”

“Join me with your real fake news Andy, and together we will be unstoppable!”

Palpatine bolts

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Health care, Politics, science

Michael Flynn Seeks Immunity From Russian Flu

March 31st, 2017

Washington, DC:    President Trumps former National Security Adviser, General Michael Flynn, has asked to be inoculated, and receive immunity from the severe outbreak of Russian Flu that has broken out inside Washington DC, and in diplomatic circles around the world.

Flynn resigned his post back in February after he lied about his close personal contact with the current outbreaks “Patient Zero”, Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak.

This acute outbreak of Russian flu has exposed many of the Trump administrations election campaign, and current staff.

The symptoms are as follows. Repeated contact with Russian Oligarchs, banks and diplomats who are known carriers of this strain of Flu. It can be something as innocent as accepting millions of dollars in loans or gifts from the carriers of this particular strain of flu, or as it is now being referred to as “Putin Flu.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask Flynn some questions. When asked why he was seeking immunity from this particular virulent strain, he replied:

“Holy crap Mocksham, I have been infected big time.”

“There is no natural immunity to this nasty strain of political flu. If I don’t get immunity from this flu, I could die in prison. With a bunch of other people who deserve to be there more than I do.”

russian flu

Health care, Politics

Trumps Bluff Gets Called And He Folds

March 24th,2017

Washington, DC:  The AHCA is dead. It died a very quick and painful death for all of the wealthy who were expecting a huge windfall from the tax breaks built into the bill. President Trump and the entire GOP have been promising for seven years that they were going to repeal Obamacare. Now we know that it was all a lie to get votes.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak to the president over his unsecured Samsung galaxy phone. When asked why he told speaker Ryan to pull the bill and kill it, he responded:

“Mocksham, we had to do it. Both the CBO and OMB analysis showed us that it would collapse the entire health care system of the USA and then the economy. I will spin it to blame the Democrats like I always do.”

“The truth is that the private for profit health care system is failing, not Obama care. No way that I and the rest of the Republicans can admit that because the health insurance lobby is so strong.”

“I guess we had our bluff called when people realized that the ACHA was really just a huge tax cut for me and my millionaire friends.”

“Now we have to try to do that out in the open.”

Health care, Politics, Religion, Social, Taxes

GOP Health Care Plan Fails To Get Enough “Drag Her By The Hair Votes.”

March 24th,2017

Washington, DC:   The GOP health care plan, better known as the AHCA or “American Health Care Act” failed to gain enough votes to even be voted on yesterday. The plan was favored by the majority of Republicans in the house, and by the President because it included massive tax cuts for Uber wealthy Americans, even though it would have dumped an estimated 24-26 million sick and elderly Americans off of their health insurance coverage.

The main resistance on the right was from the so called “Freedom Caucus” of old white men.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask a few questions to the caucus leader, Mark Meadows of North Carolina. When asked why he was so against women and children having basic health coverage. He replied:

“The Presidents  support for a change that would strip out Obamacare’s requirement for insurance plans covering  maternity care, mental-health treatment, preventive services, and a host of other essential health benefits, fell short of my caucuses demands.”

“We also wanted to repeal the insurance regulations forbidding discrimination based on pre-existing conditions and lifetime coverage limits. And that is a non starter for us Mocksham. Jesus H Christ on a cracker, the snowflake liberals even took out the language that would allow men to drag their women by the hair into a cave to give birth the way God intended!”

“That is unacceptable!”

“I guess we just move on to a tax reform bill that is not disguised as health care reform.”

Freedom caucus
white old men

Finance, Health care, Politics, Social

GOP Scrambles To Convince Americans That Blowing up Health Insurance Is A Good Thing

March 14th, 2017

Washington, DC: The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office report on the American Health Care act was released today showing that 24 million Americans will lose their health insurance, while the costs would go up almost 20% under the new plan if you include co-pays and deductibles. Immediately after it was released, Republican supporters of the plan were busy either denying the numbers or praising them.

Health and Human Services director Tom price and Budget director Mick Mulvaney were in full denial mode of the numbers saying that they were “Just absurd” and “We disagree strenuously” with the CBO report.

However, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was praising the report because even though millions of Americans would suffer financial catastrophe, the top wealthiest Americans would receive $367 billion dollars in tax breaks and the deficit would go down by the same amount. “This will be the most incredible transfer of wealth to the top since the Reagan tax cuts in the 80’s.”

“Our plan is not about forcing people to buy expensive, one-size-fits-all coverage,” he said. “It is about giving people the choice to choose between having a place to live and food to eat, or access to a plan they want but can’t afford. When people have more choices, America is at its best. That’s what this report shows.”

“We are lowering the deficit on the backs of the poor, sick and elderly and rewarding the people who pay to get us elected. It’s the GOP way.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak with President Trump about the CBO report. When he asked him if he still thinks that every American will be covered like he promised on January 15th, he replied,

“Look at my latest Trump brand suits and ties Mocksham, aren’t they magnificent!”

“Not everyone has the money to buy them, but they have the opportunity to if they ever have enough money. We are giving everyone the choice to be covered or not. It’s their choice.”

“Choice is good. Right now we are choosing not to wait for Obama care to finish being sabotaged by the GOP governors who chose not to participate. That could take years. We are going to finish it off a lot faster.”

“My voters wanted to get rid of it and we will, believe me. It is going to be beautiful. And when it all eventually blows up, we will blame it all on Obama and the sick and elderly.
And my supporters will believe every word. I am a celebrity and they love me and hate Schumer and Pelosi hahaha.”

“Tremendous, just tremendous, that I can tell you.”

Finance, Health care, Law, Politics

US Lawyers Salivating over new GOP Health Care Law.

March 12th, 2017

Washington, DC:    Lawyers all across the USA are ecstatic over the new proposed Republican health care law. While the American Bar Association has not made an official statement on the American Health Care Act or AHCA, the word on the street among American attorneys is “ Colligenda Bona,”or,” Collect the Goods.” in lay terminology.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham had lunch with bankruptcy attorney Keen Conniver at a downtown Washington DC diner. When asked how the AHCA would benefit the litigators across the USA he almost could not contain himself,

“Oh my God Andy, this law is a lawyers dream come true.”

“All aspects of law that pertains to health care will just explode.”

“And not just health care. It will affect the entire spectrum of US law from business, civil rights, estate planning, family, labor, personal injury and of course the big kahuna and my specialty, bankruptcy.”

“And not just personal bankruptcies. We are talking about huge bankruptcies of entire medical clinics and hospitals. This is going to be huge!”

“In fact the only downside is that many doctors also minored in law and can easily pass the Bar exam and suck away a lot of the action. One of my doctor friends has already taken the exam and is ready to open his own practice representing all of his patients who will have to file bankruptcy soon after the AHCA becomes the law of the land.”

“Until that happens, long live the AHCA and Casus Fortuitus!”

“I gotta run Andy, I have an appointment with my investment guy. I am thinking about buying that vacation house in the Bahamas that I have always dreamed of.”

“Here is my card for when you get sick and then dropped by your health insurance.”

Health care, Lifestyle, science, Social

Florida Plans To Ban ED medication For Single Seniors

Senior std's

March 11th,2017

Tallahassee, FL: A bill has been introduced in the Florida State house of representatives to make it illegal for a single senior citizen to obtain a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication. The sponsor of the bill, Prudy Priggish(R) from Needmore Florida, says that it is the only way to prevent the epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases and sexual offenses taking place in senior communities all over the state.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went deep into the story to make this article. He asked house representative Priggish to describe the problem. She replied,

“Do you know how many seniors catch STD’s Mocksham? It’s almost 50% of the population. These retirement homes are like that movie Animal House. A big orgy of old people. They can’t get pregnant anymore, so they just go at it like rabbits on this medicine.”

“Then there are the old guys who get excited and then force themselves on women who turn away their advances. It’s getting out of control.’”

Mocksham then met up with a medical expert in this area, Dr Richard Eldercock at the University of Florida’s senior research center in Gainesville . When asked if there really is this big of a problem, he responded,

“You bet. Big time Mocksham.”

“Medicare is spending more money on treating STD’s in this age group than is spent on college campuses. I caught Chlamydia three times myself, just last year alone, hanging out with friends after work at the senior center.”

“And then there are the sexual assaults. The police have even created a new charge to arrest these guys with.”

“Assault with a prior dead weapon.”

“This is a very serious new problem that society and experts like me did not predict would ever happen. Americans are living longer and modern medicine is allowing us to really let it all hang out.”

“Ten years ago the big problem was going Senile.”

“Now we are all going Penile.”