Category: Health care

Senate Proposes ‘McCain’ Health Care Reform Bill Based On The Senates Own Coverage.

July20th, 2017

Washington DC:    Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R Ky) shocked the country today when he announced a new comprehensive health care plan based on his and other senators own coverage.

The new bill named the ‘McCain Health Care Reform Act of 2017’ was announced by McConnell in a statement to the media.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the senator from Kentucky and before any questions were asked, McConnell spoke about the stunning new legislation:

“Mocksham, I know what you are going to ask, and all I am going to say is that it would be the height of cynicism to just repeal the ACA while one of our own is enjoying stellar coverage that taxpayers are subsidizing without making that coverage available to every American without restriction.”

When asked how the new plan will be funded McConnell said;

“That was the easy part. We just removed the income ceiling on the Social Security and Medicare payroll tax.”

“Now every American will pay the same tax on 100% of their income. Not a fraction of it like Millionaires, Billionaires and our President and his cabinet do.”

“I will no doubt be out of a job next election cycle when my own party and Fox news tell my constituents to vote against me and their own best interests next primary.”

“I have nothing to lose really since this bill has no chance in hell of ever passing through a Republican Congress and being signed into law by Trump.”

“That is how the sausage gets made Mocksham. It’s a bloody mess made from the carnage of average Americans.”

“But Americans gobble it up.”

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Grim Reaper Praises Latest GOP Senate Health Care Plan

July 14th, 2017

Washington, DC:     The Grim Reaper broke his timeless silence today and came out in support of Republican Senator Mitch McConnell’s revised GOP health care plan. Death has never openly supported any legislation, nor even felt that it was necessary.

Death granted a first time interview with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham at his office inside of Senator McConnell’s DC home. When asked why he felt that it was time to speak out in favor of this or any legislation, Mr. Reaper spoke:

“Mocksham, death is not to be feared. Put away your crucifix, it has no power over me. I am breaking my silence because I want people to stop fighting me. For centuries I could always depend on the old ways. Plague, pestilence, war, murder and so on. But along comes modern medicine and this God-forsaken socialism.”

“Today, people have longer lifespans. Vaccines and antibiotics have made my job a lot harder Mocksham. Government health care plans have made life-saving medicine affordable to the masses. Government scientists can isolate new viruses like Ebola and SARS right away and stop me in my tracks.”

“The WWW has connected people all over the world and made it harder to hate each other. War will soon become obsolete. Jesus H Christ I can’t even get anyone to start WWIII in the Middle East or Korea!!

“So my last hope is to make people fear government health care in the USA and make costs in the US become so expensive that people just decide to come with me right away when they get sick and receive their first set of medical billing statements.”

“My next move will be to get the GOP to make medical bills exempt from bankruptcy law in the USA.”

“I will not be denied my harvest Mocksham.”

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GOP Senator Palpatine Moves His Healthcare Bill Towards A Vote

June 25th, 2017

Washington, DC: The GOP controlled US Senate has moved a step closer to their dream of finally repealing and replacing the ACA, or Obamacare. GOP senator Palpatine has been the force behind the new legislation.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted an interview with the senator in his Capitol office. When asked why he is supporting a health care bill that will leave millions of low income and elderly Americans without coverage he answered:

“Do you feel the hate? … It is the source of my strength. Americans hate me. No matter. Today I have the power of life and death over my constituents.”

“Their fear and loathing make me glow with power” he proclaimed as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

The masses have no need for Medicaid any longer. Their suffering is how a society becomes stronger Mocksham.”

“McConnell thinks that these were his ideas, when in fact they were mine, cleverly suggested to him so that he could feed them back to me. Also, Trump is weak and far too trusting…”

“Yes Mocksham, I sense your anger, YES….LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOU.”

“Now, can you see the futility of taxing wealthy Americans to care for the sick?”

“Join me with your real fake news Andy, and together we will be unstoppable!”

Palpatine bolts

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Michael Flynn Seeks Immunity From Russian Flu

March 31st, 2017

Washington, DC:    President Trumps former National Security Adviser, General Michael Flynn, has asked to be inoculated, and receive immunity from the severe outbreak of Russian Flu that has broken out inside Washington DC, and in diplomatic circles around the world.

Flynn resigned his post back in February after he lied about his close personal contact with the current outbreaks “Patient Zero”, Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak.

This acute outbreak of Russian flu has exposed many of the Trump administrations election campaign and current staff.

The symptoms are as follows. Repeated contact with Russian Oligarchs, banks, and diplomats who are known carriers of this strain of Flu. It can be something as innocent as accepting millions of dollars in loans or gifts from the carriers of this particular strain of flu, or as it is now being referred to as “Putin Flu.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask Flynn some questions. When asked why he was seeking immunity from this particularly virulent strain, he replied:

“Holy crap Mocksham, I have been infected big time.”

“There is no natural immunity to this nasty strain of political flu. If I don’t get immunity from this flu, I could die in prison. With a bunch of other people who deserve to be there more than I do.”

russian flu

Trumps Bluff Gets Called And He Folds

March 24th,2017

Washington, DC:  The AHCA is dead. It died a very quick and painful death for all of the wealthy who were expecting a huge windfall from the tax breaks built into the bill. President Trump and the entire GOP have been promising for seven years that they were going to repeal Obamacare. Now we know that it was all a lie to get votes.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak to the president over his unsecured Samsung galaxy phone. When asked why he told speaker Ryan to pull the bill and kill it, he responded:

“Mocksham, we had to do it. Both the CBO and OMB analysis showed us that it would collapse the entire health care system of the USA and then the economy. I will spin it to blame the Democrats like I always do.”

“The truth is that the private for-profit health care system is failing, not Obama care. No way that I and the rest of the Republicans can admit that because the health insurance lobby is so strong.”

“I guess we had our bluff called when people realized that the ACHA was really just a huge tax cut for me and my millionaire friends.”

“Now we have to try to do that out in the open.”

GOP Health Care Plan Fails To Get Enough “Drag Her By The Hair Votes.”

March 24th,2017

Washington, DC:
   The GOP health care plan, better known as the AHCA or “American Health Care Act” failed to gain enough votes to even be voted on yesterday. The plan was favored by the majority of Republicans in the house, and by the President, because it included massive tax cuts for Uber wealthy Americans, even though it would have dumped an estimated 24-26 million sick and elderly Americans off of their health insurance coverage.

The main resistance on the right was from the so-called “Freedom Caucus” of old white men.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask a few questions to the caucus leader, Mark Meadows of North Carolina. When asked why he was so against women and children having basic health coverage. He replied:

“The Presidents  support for a change that would strip out Obamacare’s requirement for insurance plans covering  maternity care, mental health treatment, preventive services, and a host of other essential health benefits, fell short of my caucuses demands.”

“We also wanted to repeal the insurance regulations forbidding discrimination based on pre-existing conditions and lifetime coverage limits. And that is a nonstarter for us Mocksham. Jesus H Christ on a cracker, the snowflake liberals even took out the language that would allow men to drag their women by the hair into a cave to give birth the way God intended!”

“That is unacceptable!”

“I guess we just move on to a tax reform bill that is not disguised as health care reform.”

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white old men

GOP Scrambles To Convince Americans That Blowing up Health Insurance Is A Good Thing

March 14th, 2017

Washington, DC: The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office report on the American Health Care act was released today showing that 24 million Americans will lose their health insurance, while the costs would go up almost 20% under the new plan if you include co-pays and deductibles. Immediately after it was released, Republican supporters of the plan were busy either denying the numbers or praising them.

Health and Human Services director Tom price and Budget director Mick Mulvaney were in full denial mode of the numbers saying that they were “Just absurd” and “We disagree strenuously” with the CBO report.

However, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was praising the report because even though millions of Americans would suffer a financial catastrophe, the top wealthiest Americans would receive $367 billion dollars in tax breaks and the deficit would go down by the same amount. “This will be the most incredible transfer of wealth to the top since the Reagan tax cuts in the 80’s.”

“Our plan is not about forcing people to buy expensive, one-size-fits-all coverage,” he said. “It is about giving people the choice to choose between having a place to live and food to eat, or access to a plan they want but can’t afford. When people have more choices, America is at its best. That’s what this report shows.”

“We are lowering the deficit on the backs of the poor, sick and elderly and rewarding the people who pay to get us elected. It’s the GOP way.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak with President Trump about the CBO report. When he asked him if he still thinks that every American will be covered like he promised on January 15th, he replied,

“Look at my latest Trump brand suits and ties Mocksham, aren’t they magnificent!”

“Not everyone has the money to buy them, but they have the opportunity to if they ever have enough money. We are giving everyone the choice to be covered or not. It’s their choice.”

“Choice is good. Right now we are choosing not to wait for Obama care to finish being sabotaged by the GOP governors who chose not to participate. That could take years. We are going to finish it off a lot faster.”

“My voters wanted to get rid of it and we will believe me. It is going to be beautiful. And when it all eventually blows up, we will blame it all on Obama and the sick and elderly.
And my supporters will believe every word. I am a celebrity and they love me and hate Schumer and Pelosi hahaha.”

“Tremendous, just tremendous, that I can tell you.”