Category: World

Family, Lifestyle, Shopping, Social, World March 20, 2018March 20, 2018

Toys R Us Blames Going Out Of Business On Santa Retiring

March 20^th, 2018

Wayne, New Jersey: The head of Toys R Us marketing and brand mascot, Geoffrey the giraffe, made a stunning announcement today during a press conference at the global
toy chains worldwide headquarters in Wayne, New Jersey. Geoffrey said that the number one reason that the Toys R Us chain is closing its doors is that Santa Claus is finally retiring after nearly six centuries of making toys and hand delivering them every Christmas eve.

Geoffrey stated; “When Santa retires, there will no longer be the need for us to exist anymore. Santa and his elves were 90% of our global business.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham got in touch with his long-time friend Chris Kringle (AKA Santa Claus) and asked him if it was true that he was officially retiring after all these centuries. He responded:

“Yes Andy my old friend, it is true. I am hanging up my sleigh reigns for good.”

“My elves and I are all very old now. Because of our legendary semi-immortal status, we do not breed. The last few decades we have embraced the new ways.”

“Modern machine manufacturing has taken over from hand crafted toy workmanship the last hundred fifty years. Add to that the recent advent of air cargo and year-round door to door delivery. The elves and I have slowly seen our way of life disappear.”

“We no longer make toys, yes it’s true. My elves just filled all the ‘Good List’ orders at Toys R Us stores Globally every night when they are closed to the public.”

‘Last summer we ‘toyed’ around with the idea of making our own again but we just could not keep up with demand. Pun intended HoHoHo!”

“Also, since most people do not have chimneys anymore, it was taking a lot longer to complete my rounds. My safety was also in greater danger since the advent of modern security with cameras, lasers and mean, mean dogs.”

“And last Christmas The Trump administration arrested us and then fired on me when I escaped on Christmas eve to make my rounds.”

“The world has become a very different place than it was when my elves and I first started Andy.”

“The final straw was all the ‘Stand Your Ground’ NRA types in the USA.”

Trump Negotiates Trade Deal With China In Exchange For The Great Wall

January 29^th, 2018

Davos, Switzerland: The White House today confirmed a new trade deal with China that would relocate the Great Wall to the US-Mexico border as the world economic forum in Davos Switzerland winds down.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Davos and was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She would not take any questions but made a statement.

“Jesus Christ Mocksham, how do you find this stuff out.”

“Look, this deal is going to make all other trade deals obsolete. China does not need the damn wall anymore, so they let us have it for free in exchange for moving all remaining US manufacturing jobs to China.”

“It’s a win-win for us, we get our border wall and no one has to pay for it. Also, since the US will no longer have any messy polluting manufacturing jobs left, the environment will get better.”

“The flood of cheap Chinese made American products imported back to the US will create new retail jobs here in the states at Amazon warehouses to offset the loss of manufacturing jobs.”

“Plus, the Great Wall is quite the sight and will generate billions in tourist dollars for the states along the border.”

“While the rest of the world gets suckered into useless trade deals like the TPP, we are busy making America great Again Mocksham, one great wall at a time.”

Conspiracies, Defense, Lifestyle, Politics, World January 14, 2018January 14, 2018

The Grim Reaper Takes Full Blame For False Missile Alert In Hawaii.

January 14^th, 2018

Honolulu Hawaii: Death today confessed that he is to blame for the false missile alert that terrified the residents of the island chain and 50^th US state.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in the Aloha state and was one of the many startled vacationers and locals who spent 30 minutes not knowing what to do or how to respond. Death invited Mocksham to spend an afternoon at a local beach to explain why he created the false missile alert.

“Give me your hand Andy, let’s walk down to the water.”

“Don’t be afraid, it is not your time.”

“Firstly, I will not apologize for making the false alert. Chaos is how I operate.”

“I often get depressed Andy. Oh, not for the reasons that you think, death is my job not just my name. I get down because people are living longer, thanks to global socialism and health care with vaccinations. There are no major plagues looming on the horizon any time soon”

“And earth is in the longest peaceful period in it’s history. There are minor conflicts globally all the time but no big conflagrations that give me reason to be joyous for a big harvest.”

“So I come to this beautiful beach to catch some waves , play volleyball and to take in the warm ambiance of the islands. I often sit in the lifeguard station hoping someone will drown or get eaten by a shark.”

“I was hoping that if I created a false missile attack that Trump would panic and launch a nuclear counter-strike. It would have been glorious.”

“Anyways, I must leave now for Turkey. An airliner will be skidding off the end of the runway soon. I may have some souls to harvest.”

“Don’t judge me.”

Defense, Family, Mental Health, Politics, World January 12, 2018January 13, 2018

North Korea Blames Missile Launches On Great Leaders Cat

January 12^th, 2018

Pyongyang, DPRK; The Korean Central News Agency, the official news source of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea has placed the blame for all of its recent missile launches squarely on the feline shoulders of the Supreme Leaders pet cat.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was back in action and on the Korean peninsula to report about the preparations for the 2018 winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea next month. He was invited to do a rare interview with the North Korean supreme leader, Kim Jong-un at his palace in Pyonyang.

The interview was very brief and conducted with an interpreter. Mocksham was informed at the start that he was only allowed a few questions, all approved by the interpreters overseer in advance. The overseer would submit the questions to his superior who would then relay them to the Supreme Leader. The questions would only be allowed to cover the topic submitted by the Korean Central news Agency.

The topic was the inadvertent systematic launching of progressively more advanced missiles by North Korea in the last 18 months.

Mockshams first approved question was; Who is directly responsible for the missile launches?

The answer from the interpreter; “The Supreme leader has a very talented and mischievous pet cat whom has free reign of the great desk of the people where the Supreme Leader controls the entire universe from. This special and very talented cat has advanced button pressing skills and seems to know when the Supreme leader has mastered the next step in missile technology. His super being cat curiosity makes him inadvertently press the launch button on the great desk of the people while the Supreme Leader is tending to other areas of the universal perfection of mankind.”

Next approved question; Where did this cat come from and what is his name?

Answer; “American President Trump gave the amazing and skilled cat to the Supreme Leaders father back when he was the great ruler of all the universe. NBA basketball star and best basketball player in the universe Dennis Rodman delivered the gift personally. The cat was seen to have incredible, amazing, fantastic abilities and allowed full access to the great desk of the people.”

“His name is revered in modern folklore and dynasty, it is said to have been bestowed upon him by the then reality TV show host Trump himself, It is 배설물 국가 or ‘Shithole Country’ in English. It is said that this name represents Trumps view of the entire universe outside of the USA.”

“What better name for a cat who is clever enough to launch missiles. Thank you once again President Trump.”

Conspiracies, Defense, Family, Lifestyle, Social, World December 25, 2017

Real Shots Fired In The War On Christmas

December 25^th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska: The USA launched an actual shooting war on Santa Claus when NORAD fighter jets fired air to air missiles at Santa, his sleigh and reindeer.

Earlier in the day reports had surfaced that Santa and Mrs Claus had managed to escape from security at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska where they were being held for “Crimes against capitalism.”

Santa actually took the podium at the airbase and made a small statement to the only member of the media present at the time. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham.

“People of Earth. Tell your children that I will fulfill my duty to bring the spirit of giving to every home on the planet, including the homes in the USA.”

“Contrary to the beliefs of naughty people currently in high places in the USA, the spirit of giving and caring is not Socialism. It is the right thing to do. And just plain fun. It is much better to give.”

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to answer any questions regarding the missiles fired at Santas sleigh.

After he made his appointed yearly rounds to those not on the naughty list, Santa again stated that he will never be detained, or prevented from spreading the spirit of giving around the globe, and here in the USA.

“I don’t have any special military technology Andy, I just have the spirit of giving. It is more of a magical thing. The power of giving is stronger than anything else. Giving is not socialism. It’s not communism. It’s not military strength. It is just the good vibes of being a human being.”

“And not a selfish monster. To you and yours Mocksham. Peace to all mankind and to all a good night.”

“HoHoHo.”

The Pentagon released this photo of Santa as he escaped

Air Force targeting image of Santa

Air Force missiles could not target Santas sleigh

Santa and the reindeer after another successful holiday
mission

Family, Finance, Law, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Politics, Religion, Social, World December 17, 2017December 17, 2017

President Trump Places Santa Under Arrest

December 17^th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska: President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smart phone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;

“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”

When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;

“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff, you know, socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming are what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

Santa and Mrs Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest

Conspiracies, Galaxy, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Politics, science, Taxes, World December 2, 2017December 5, 2017

NASA Claims It Has Proof That Conservatives Are Led By The Ferengi

December 2nd, 2017

Area 51, Nevada: NASA today revealed it has proof that the entire conservative, or ‘Neo Liberal’ movement of the last forty years has been controlled by operatives of the Ferengi Alliance. A defector from that planets board of liquidators revealed some startling information that goes a long way to explain many economic programs in the UK and USA since the late 70’s.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a meeting with the defector, as long as his identity is kept a secret. This is what he revealed to Mocksham;

“Nice to meet you Mocksham, as you know, since the late 70’s the neo liberal movement began here on Earth. It was all started when members of the Ferengi commerce authority realized that the best way to accumulate the wealth of this planet was through the political process. They began our takeover by having DaiMon Thatcher become the Grand Nagus, or prime minister of the UK. She was ruthless in passing laws that broke the backs of unions and privatizing many public services for vast amounts of profit.

The movement continued with the great American Nagus Reagan, who duplicated her success in transferring wealth to the top in his country. It has also been championed by the many proud Ferengi who have become the top CEO’s of most of earths banks and large corporations like Nestle.

These elite Ferengi members of the commerce authority have infiltrated every level of government in most of Earths countries now, even at state and local levels. The Ferengi rules of acquisition have been modified and adapted to the crude Human form of capitalism practiced here. Your planets resources and wealth are then converted to gold pressed latinum and transferred ‘Off shore’ to our planets Divine Treasury.

Now, with DaiMon Trump as US President, and many Ferengi in the US congress, the ability to pass even more profitable laws like the GOP’s new tax legislation will accelerate the process. Soon, many more Humans will be left homeless and without medical insurance. This pleases us greatly since it is only through the suffering of the masses that great wealth flows to the few.”

Defense, Domestic, Lifestyle, Politics, World November 29, 2017December 2, 2017

West Coast North Americans Feel Safer Now That North Korean Missiles Can Reach The East Coast

November 28^th, 2017

Seattle, WA: Residents all along the west coast of north America are sleeping easier now that North Korea has successfully tested a missile that can reach Washington DC.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to Seattle, in Washington State, to ask everyday Americans who live there how they felt about the news.

James Barrister, an attorney, said this “ I am equivocally ambiguous about this. I find it dubious and vague. The facts in question, for instance, the estimated distance that the missile can travel, are tenebrous and amphibological. I think your question is ambivalent and puzzling to say the least Mocksham.”

Dawn Freeware, an internet hacker, said this “Being a hacktivist, I am amazed that people are still afraid of missiles. There are Zero day exploit rootkits out there designed by 15 year old Script Kiddies living in their grannys basement with a logic bomb that has a payload big enough to shut down the entire electrical grid.”

Ail Dihedral, A Boeing employee, said this “I’m not too worried about it. But yeah, it’s nice that they can reach South Carolina and our scab factory that builds the Dreamliner. Knock it out LOL”

Brigitte Demitasse, a coffee barista, said this “ I try to not get all steamed up about things like this. Is North Korean coffee even fair trade?

Bubba Klinefelter, a recent transplant from Alabama, said this “I sure wish those missiles would still hit here where all the damn liberals live.”

When asked why he moved to the area Bubba said “Jesus H Christ Mocksham the minimum wage here is double what it is in Birmingham, plus I can buy weed in a shop down the street and get married to my boyfriend, Pedro.”

Fashion, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Politics, Social, World November 26, 2017November 26, 2017

Trump Becomes Member Of Putins Hair Club

November 26^th, 2017

Washington, DC: White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement today saying that President Trump has been persuaded to change his hair style. She also admitted that the new hair style was recommended to the President by none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was the first reporter to notice the Presidents new locks which prompted the press release. He was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smart phone. When asked by Mocksham why he decided to finally change his hair style, Trump answered;

“Thanks for noticing my new hair Andy. It’s nice when people notice subtle differences in other peoples amazing hair, like mine. I really do have incredible hair, famous, iconic hair.”

“But since I always try to stay current with the top fashion styles, I changed my hair like I always do this time of year.”

When Mocksham pointed out that the Presidents hair has looked the same since the 1970’s, Trump fired back;

“That is so not true! Every Thanksgiving I part my hair on the other side. It alternates. Right, left, right, left. Just like my politics. No one ever cared before because the fake news ignored me until I became the President. I am now a Republican so I can’t change my part from the right to the left and I had to try something different.”

“Vlady recommended that I try his hair club. I checked out a few systems online and even though my hair club is the best, his is also the best. We are both the best. And so is our hair.”

“But Vlady convinced me to join his tremendous hair club, the “Hair Club for Czars.”

“Any man can be a member of a hair club for ordinary men Andy, but only great leaders can be in a hair club for Czars.”

Hair club for Czars and Russian President Putin

The Real Fake News