Category: World

Domestic, Finance, Law, Lifestyle, Politics, Social, Trade, Travel, U.S., World November 14, 2018November 18, 2018

White House To Use Moscow Temp Agency Amid Staffing Crisis

November 14th, 2018

Washington, DC: The White House released a press statement this morning announcing that because of a very high turnover in staffing, it will begin using temporary employees from a Russian temp agency in Moscow.

The statement came amidst a wave of resignations and firings inside the administration. No further explanation was given.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his still unsecured phone and asked him a few questions about the surprise announcement.

“Andy, it’s been tremendously crazy around here lately. I look around me every morning and there are fewer and fewer faces that I can recognize.”

“Staff is quitting faster than I can say ‘Ya Fiyad’. And the ones who I don’t actually fire are leaving even faster, bigly so.”

“Melania used to work for a temp agency in Moscow and she told me to have them find people to work for me. If they hired her then they know what I like.”

“You’ve met her, she is beautiful.”

Mocksham then barged into White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders office and asked about issues such as security clearance and citizenship requirements.

“Damn it Mocksham, look, good help is hard to find, especially for the lousy wages that federal workers get here in D.C.”

“Add to that the loyalty and trust issues that the President has with everyone.”

“Citizenship shmitezenship; everyone is a citizen somewhere, especially Caucasians. You fake news people are so critical of everything we do in this administration.”

“And they also know how to deal with you fake news people.”

“Best idea around here since borscht was put on the cafeteria menu. It’s delicious, the recipe came from new White House head chef Antonov.”

“I encourage all of the press to eat some.”

Cinco De Mayo Celebrated At Area 51

May 5th, 2018

Area 51, Nevada: Area 51 is having its annual Cinco De Mayo festivities located inside the secret compounds underground bar.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham is always invited to the 51 Cinco fest or ‘Cenyohual’ (‘all night’ in the native Mexican ancient Nahuatl alien language) and this year he is attending the festival.

The party is just as much a secret to the outside world as the mysterious area 51 itself. It has become a very well attended festival with party goers from the entire galaxy, further distant galaxies, as well as earthlings from various places in time.

This is an exclusive report from the Real Fake news.

The ‘Cenyohual’ festival was started many millennia ago when Earth was very primitive, with humans still not able to even make fire, or grow food.

The first Aliens who visited Earth built the huge pyramid complexes all over the planet, and Mexico was where their off-world government was located here on Earth. ‘Cenyohual’ was the very first annual celebration of good fortune for the newcomers. It traditionally lasted all night long. Tequila, the most popular ‘Cenyohual’ beverage, was originally brought to Earth, cultivated and distilled by the Tau’ri people many centuries BC.

Now that area 51 exists, the party has been kept secluded and hidden inside the vast underground facility.

So far tonight the ambassador of Tau’ri, has drunk the most tequila at the party. It is a tradition that he do so.

One of the bartenders has been sent home after being nearly asphyxiated to death by a slightly miffed Darth Vader.

The original Enterprise crew, NCC-1701, has sent a message from deep space to all the partygoers wishing them a great Cenyohual festival.

As well as later versions of the crew. This was the message from the Enterprise NCC-1701-D. The Cenyohual celebration is the only time that Star Fleet will authorize any temporal manipulations.

Our Reporter Andy Mocksham is still at the party. He has been challenged to a lightsaber battle by Luke Skywalker.

The entire RFN team wishes everyone a safe and fun Cinco de Mayo, or ‘Cenyohual.’

Stay tuned for updates.

Update: May 6th, 2018. The hungover Tau’ri ambassador is soaking in the hot Nevada sun, sweating out the remaining tequila and drinking coconut water.

Family, Lifestyle, Shopping, Social, World March 20, 2018December 2, 2018

Toys R Us Blames Going Out Of Business On Santa Retiring

March 20^th, 2018

Wayne, New Jersey: The head of Toys R Us marketing and brand mascot, Geoffrey the giraffe, made a stunning announcement today during a press conference at the global
toy chains worldwide headquarters in Wayne, New Jersey. Geoffrey said that the number one reason that the Toys R Us chain is closing its doors is that Santa Claus is finally retiring after nearly six centuries of making toys and hand delivering them every Christmas Eve.

Geoffrey stated; “When Santa retires, there will no longer be the need for us to exist anymore. Santa and his elves were 90% of our global business.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham got in touch with his long-time friend Chris Kringle (AKA Santa Claus) and asked him if it was true that he was officially retiring after all these centuries. He responded;

“Yes Andy my old friend, it is true. I am hanging up my sleigh reigns for good.”

“My elves and I are all very old now. Because of our legendary semi-immortal status, we do not breed. The last few decades we have embraced the new ways.”

“Modern machine manufacturing has taken over from handcrafted toy workmanship the last hundred fifty years. Add to that the recent advent of air cargo and year-round door to door delivery. The elves and I have slowly seen our way of life disappear.”

“We no longer make toys, yes it’s true. My elves just filled all the ‘Good List’ orders at Toys R Us stores globally every night when they are closed to the public.”

‘Last summer we ‘toyed’ around with the idea of making our own again but we just could not keep up with demand. Pun intended HoHoHo!”

“Also, since most people do not have chimneys anymore, it was taking a lot longer to complete my rounds. My safety was also in greater danger since the advent of modern security with cameras, lasers and mean, mean dogs.”

“And last Christmas The Trump administration arrested us and then fired on me when I escaped on Christmas eve to make my rounds.”

“The world has become a very different place than it was when my elves and I first started Andy.”

“The final straw was all the ‘Stand Your Ground’ NRA types in the USA.”

Agriculture, Finance, Food, Law, Mental Health, Politics, Trade, U.S., World January 29, 2018October 14, 2018

Trump Negotiates Trade Deal With China In Exchange For The Great Wall

January 29^th, 2018

Davos, Switzerland: The White House today confirmed a new trade deal with China that would relocate the Great Wall to the US-Mexico border as the world economic forum in Davos Switzerland winds down.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Davos and was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She would not take any questions but made a statement.

“Jesus Christ Mocksham, how do you find this stuff out.”

“Look, this deal is going to make all other trade deals obsolete. China does not need the damn wall anymore, so they let us have it for free in exchange for moving all remaining US manufacturing jobs to China.”

“It’s a win-win for us, we get our border wall and no one has to pay for it. Also, since the US will no longer have any messy polluting manufacturing jobs left, the environment will get better.”

“The flood of cheap Chinese made American products imported back to the US will create new retail jobs here in the states at Amazon warehouses to offset the loss of manufacturing jobs.”

“Plus, the Great Wall is quite the sight and will generate billions in tourist dollars for the states along the border.”

“While the rest of the world gets suckered into useless trade deals like the TPP, we are busy making America great Again Mocksham, one great wall at a time.”

Conspiracies, Defense, Lifestyle, Politics, World January 14, 2018October 14, 2018

The Grim Reaper Takes Full Blame For False Missile Alert In Hawaii.

January 14^th, 2018

Honolulu Hawaii: Death today confessed that he is to blame for the false missile alert that terrified the residents of the island chain and 50^th US state.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in the Aloha state and was one of the many startled vacationers and locals who spent 30 minutes not knowing what to do or how to respond. Death invited Mocksham to spend an afternoon at a local beach to explain why he created the false missile alert.

“Give me your hand Andy, let’s walk down to the water.”

“Don’t be afraid, it is not your time.”

“Firstly, I will not apologize for making the false alert. Chaos is how I operate.”

“I often get depressed Andy. Oh, not for the reasons that you think, death is my job not just my name. I get down because people are living longer, thanks to global socialism and health care with vaccinations. There are no major plagues looming on the horizon any time soon”

“And the earth is in the longest peaceful period in its history. There are minor conflicts globally all the time but no big conflagrations that give me a reason to be joyous for a big harvest.”

“So I come to this beautiful beach to catch some waves, play volleyball and to take in the warm ambiance of the islands. I often sit in the lifeguard station hoping someone will drown or get eaten by a shark.”

“I was hoping that if I created a false missile attack that Trump would panic and launch a nuclear counter-strike. It would have been glorious.”

“Anyways, I must leave now for Turkey. An airliner will be skidding off the end of the runway soon. I may have some souls to harvest.”

“Don’t judge me.”

Defense, Family, Mental Health, Politics, World January 12, 2018October 14, 2018

North Korea Blames Missile Launches On Great Leaders Cat

January 12^th, 2018

Pyongyang, DPRK; The Korean Central News Agency, the official news source of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea has placed the blame for all of its recent missile launches squarely on the feline shoulders of the Supreme Leaders pet cat.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was back in action and on the Korean peninsula to report about the preparations for the 2018 winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea next month. He was invited to do a rare interview with the North Korean supreme leader, Kim Jong-un at his palace in Pyongyang.

The interview was very brief and conducted with an interpreter. Mocksham was informed at the start that he was only allowed a few questions, all approved by the interpreter’s overseer in advance. The overseer would submit the questions to his superior who would then relay them to the Supreme Leader. The questions would only be allowed to cover the topic submitted by the Korean Central News Agency.

The topic was the inadvertent systematic launching of progressively more advanced missiles by North Korea in the last 18 months.

Mockshams first approved question was; Who is directly responsible for the missile launches?

The answer from the interpreter; “The Supreme leader has a very talented and mischievous pet cat who has free reign of the great desk of the people where the Supreme Leader controls the entire universe from. This special and very talented cat has advanced button pressing skills and seems to know when the Supreme leader has mastered the next step in missile technology. His super being cat curiosity makes him inadvertently press the launch button on the great desk of the people while the Supreme Leader is tending to other areas of the universal perfection of mankind.”

Next approved question; Where did this cat come from and what is his name?

Answer; “American President Trump gave the amazing and skilled cat to the Supreme Leaders father back when he was the great ruler of all the universe. NBA basketball star and best basketball player in the universe Dennis Rodman delivered the gift personally. The cat was seen to have incredible, amazing, fantastic abilities and allowed full access to the great desk of the people.”

“His name is revered in modern folklore and dynasty, it is said to have been bestowed upon him by the then reality TV show host Trump himself, It is 배설물 국가 or ‘Shithole Country’ in English. It is said that this name represents Trumps view of the entire universe outside of the USA.”

“What better name for a cat who is clever enough to launch missiles. Thank you once again, President Trump.”

Conspiracies, Defense, Family, Lifestyle, Social, World December 25, 2017October 14, 2018

Real Shots Fired In The War On Christmas

December 25^th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska: The USA launched an actual shooting war on Santa Claus when NORAD fighter jets fired air to air missiles at Santa, his sleigh and reindeer.

Earlier in the day reports had surfaced that Santa and Mrs. Claus had managed to escape from security at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska where they were being held for “Crimes against capitalism.”

Santa actually took the podium at the airbase and made a small statement to the only member of the media present at the time. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham.

“People of Earth. Tell your children that I will fulfill my duty to bring the spirit of giving to every home on the planet, including the homes in the USA.”

“Contrary to the beliefs of naughty people currently in high places in the USA, the spirit of giving and caring is not Socialism. It is the right thing to do. And just plain fun. It is much better to give.”

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to answer any questions regarding the missiles fired at Santas sleigh.

After he made his appointed yearly rounds to those not on the naughty list, Santa again stated that he will never be detained, or prevented from spreading the spirit of giving around the globe, and here in the USA.

“I don’t have any special military technology Andy, I just have the spirit of giving. It is more of a magical thing. The power of giving is stronger than anything else. Giving is not socialism. It’s not communism. It’s not military strength. It is just the good vibes of being a human being.”

“And not a selfish monster. To you and yours Mocksham. Peace to all mankind and to all a good night.”

“HoHoHo.”

The Pentagon released this photo of Santa as he escaped