January 14th, 2018
Honolulu Hawaii: Death today confessed that he is to blame for the false missile alert that terrified the residents of the island chain and 50th US state.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in the Aloha state and was one of the many startled vacationers and locals who spent 30 minutes not knowing what to do or how to respond. Death invited Mocksham to spend an afternoon at a local beach to explain why he created the false missile alert.
“Give me your hand Andy, let’s walk down to the water.”
“Don’t be afraid, it is not your time.”
“Firstly, I will not apologize for making the false alert. Chaos is how I operate.”
“I often get depressed Andy. Oh, not for the reasons that you think, death is my job not just my name. I get down because people are living longer, thanks to global socialism and health care with vaccinations. There are no major plagues looming on the horizon any time soon”
“And the earth is in the longest peaceful period in its history. There are minor conflicts globally all the time but no big conflagrations that give me a reason to be joyous for a big harvest.”
“So I come to this beautiful beach to catch some waves, play volleyball and to take in the warm ambiance of the islands. I often sit in the lifeguard station hoping someone will drown or get eaten by a shark.”
“I was hoping that if I created a false missile attack that Trump would panic and launch a nuclear counter-strike. It would have been glorious.”
“Anyways, I must leave now for Turkey. An airliner will be skidding off the end of the runway soon. I may have some souls to harvest.”
“Don’t judge me.”