Category: Mental Health

Trump Orders NASA To Build Golf Resort On Mars.

March 18th, 2018

Washington, DC:   The White House announced that President Trump has signed an executive order that gives the space agency authorization to build a golf resort on Mars. The order comes on the heels of Trumps announcement that he plans to build a “Space Force” to defend his golf resorts here on Earth.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his unsecured Galaxy phone and asked him why NASA should build a golf resort on Mars. He responded;

“Mars is a perfect place for one of my tremendous Trump brand golf resorts Andy. The terrain is rugged, it has bigly hills and boulders. Its location would make it the most exclusive golf resort in our galaxy.”

“It would be desolate, much like my resort in Scotland. The Scots are all great people, but crap Mocksham, that place looks a lot like Alaska, only without Sarah Palin.”

When asked what the name of the resort would be, Trump answered;

“Christ Andy that is a no brainer, even for you and your fake news.”

“Mars a Lago”

“I plan on spending every weekend there as President for life.”

mars a lago 4 (2)_InPixio

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NASA Places SOS Message On White House Roof

March 1st, 2018

Washington, DC:     Nasa confirmed today that they were responsible for the large phallus shaped SOS message drawn on the roof of the White House.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham broke the story after he went up to the roof of the White House and noticed the drawing. When he asked who made the drawing, The White House roof staff responded;

“A team of NASA personnel just showed up one day and drew it.”

Mocksham then contacted NASA headquarters. NASA spokesperson Buzz Gemini agreed to answer a few questions. Mocksham asked if NASA made the drawing on the White House roof, and if so, why? Gemini answered;

“Yes Mocksham, we drew the large phallus on the roof of the White House. We here at NASA have seen many symbols found on other planets, the moon and yes, even here on Earth. The Nazca plains in Peru for example.”nazca phallus

Mars phallusmars phallus

“It is quite obvious from our knowledge of this ancient alien language that the phallus is the symbol of a planet being screwed over, so we felt it to be imperative that we place it on the roof of the most powerful building on Earth.”

“Maybe the Vulcans will see it and intervene in our planets time line a century earlier than planned.”

“The Ferengi are already here.”

Trump Negotiates Trade Deal With China In Exchange For The Great Wall

January 29th, 2018

Davos, Switzerland:    The White House today confirmed a new trade deal with China that would relocate the Great Wall to the US-Mexico border as the world economic forum in Davos Switzerland winds down.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Davos and was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She would not take any questions but made a statement.

“Jesus Christ Mocksham, how do you find this stuff out.”

“Look, this deal is going to make all other trade deals obsolete. China does not need the damn wall anymore, so they let us have it for free in exchange for moving all remaining US manufacturing jobs to China.”

“It’s a win-win for us, we get our border wall and no one has to pay for it. Also, since the US will no longer have any messy polluting manufacturing jobs left, the environment will get better.”

“The flood of cheap Chinese made American products imported back to the US will create new retail jobs here in the states at Amazon warehouses to offset the loss of manufacturing jobs.”

“Plus, the Great Wall is quite the sight and will generate billions in tourist dollars for the states along the border.”

“While the rest of the world gets suckered into useless trade deals like the TPP, we are busy making America great Again Mocksham, one great wall at a time.”

great-wall-trump

North Korea Blames Missile Launches On Great Leaders Cat

January 12th, 2018

Pyongyang, DPRK;    The Korean Central News Agency, the official news source of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea has placed the blame for all of its recent missile launches squarely on the feline shoulders of the Supreme Leaders pet cat.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was back in action and on the Korean peninsula to report about the preparations for the 2018 winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea next month. He was invited to do a rare interview with the North Korean supreme leader, Kim Jong-un at his palace in Pyonyang.

The interview was very brief and conducted with an interpreter. Mocksham was informed at the start that he was only allowed a few questions, all approved by the interpreters overseer in advance. The overseer would submit the questions to his superior who would then relay them to the Supreme Leader. The questions would only be allowed to cover the topic submitted by the Korean Central news Agency.

The topic was the inadvertent systematic launching of progressively more advanced missiles by North Korea in the last 18 months.

Mockshams first approved question was;   Who is directly responsible for the missile launches?

The answer from the interpreter; “The Supreme leader has a very talented and mischievous pet cat whom has free reign of the great desk of the people where the Supreme Leader controls the entire universe from. This special and very talented cat has advanced button pressing skills and seems to know when the Supreme leader has mastered the next step in missile technology. His super being cat curiosity makes him inadvertently press the launch button on the great desk of the people while the Supreme Leader is tending to other areas of the universal perfection of mankind.”

Next approved question;    Where did this cat come from and what is his name?

Answer;   “American President Trump gave the amazing and skilled cat to the Supreme Leaders father back when he was the great ruler of all the universe. NBA basketball star and best basketball player in the universe Dennis Rodman delivered the gift personally. The cat was seen to have incredible, amazing, fantastic abilities and allowed full access to the great desk of the people.”

“His name is revered in modern folklore and dynasty, it is said to have been bestowed upon him by the then reality TV show host Trump himself, It is  배설물 국가  or ‘Shithole Country’ in English. It is said that this name represents Trumps view of the entire universe outside of the USA.”

“What better name for a cat who is clever enough to launch missiles. Thank you once again President Trump.”

Mocksham17

President Trump Places Santa Under Arrest

December 17th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska:     President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smart phone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;

“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”

When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;

“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff,  you know,  socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming are what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

Santa and Mrs Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest
Arctic Santa

White House National Christmas Tree Goes Feral

December 7th, 2017

Washington DC:  The National Christmas Tree at the White House vanished overnight  and was later located in the George Washington national forest.

White House groundskeepers were stunned this morning when they showed up for work and realized that the spectacularly lit tree had disappeared. The National Park Service had a GPS tag on the tree and later located it at the northeastern edge of the George Washington National forest at Backbone mountain on the West Virginia and Maryland border.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak with White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. He asked her about the incident.

“Look Mocksham, the damn national tree just up and went feral. It was simply no longer happy being stuck at the White House anymore. It went back to the forest. These things happen I guess.”

“The President has replaced the tree with his favorite national symbol. A burning cross.”

“He wishes all Americans a very merry white Christmas.”

The Trump White House national cross
white house christmas cross

President Trump and the national cross holiday carolers singing Christmas carols at the lighting ceremony.
white house KKK

NASA Claims It Has Proof That Conservatives Are Led By The Ferengi

December 2nd, 2017

Area 51, Nevada:    NASA today revealed it has proof that the entire conservative, or ‘Neo Liberal’ movement of the last forty years has been controlled by operatives of the Ferengi Alliance. A defector from that planets board of liquidators revealed some startling information that goes a long way to explain many economic programs in the UK and USA since the late 70’s.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a meeting with the defector, as long as his identity is kept a secret. This is what he revealed to Mocksham;

“Nice to meet you Mocksham, as you know, since the late 70’s the neo liberal movement began here on Earth. It was all started when members of the Ferengi commerce authority realized that the best way to accumulate the wealth of this planet was through the political process. They began our takeover by having DaiMon Thatcher become the Grand Nagus, or prime minister of the UK. She was ruthless in passing laws that broke the backs of unions and privatizing many public services for vast amounts of profit.

ferengi thatcher

The movement continued with the great American Nagus Reagan, who duplicated her success in transferring wealth to the top in his country. It has also been championed by the many proud Ferengi who have become the top CEO’s of most of earths banks and large corporations like Nestle.

ferengi brabeck=letmathe

These elite Ferengi members of the commerce authority have infiltrated every level of government in most of Earths countries now, even at state and local levels. The Ferengi rules of acquisition have been modified and adapted to the crude Human form of capitalism practiced here. Your planets resources and wealth are then converted to gold pressed latinum and transferred ‘Off shore’ to our planets Divine Treasury.

Now, with DaiMon Trump as US President, and many Ferengi in the US congress, the ability to pass even more profitable laws like the GOP’s new tax legislation will accelerate the process. Soon, many more Humans will be left homeless and without medical insurance. This pleases us greatly since it is only through the suffering of the masses that great wealth flows to the few.”

ferengi trump

 

Trump Becomes Member Of Putins Hair Club

November 26th, 2017

Washington, DC:     White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement today saying that President Trump has been persuaded to change his hair style. She also admitted that the new hair style was recommended to the President by none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was the first reporter to notice the Presidents new locks which prompted the press release. He was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smart phone. When asked by Mocksham why he decided to finally change his hair style, Trump answered;

“Thanks for noticing my new hair Andy. It’s nice when people notice subtle differences in other peoples amazing hair, like mine. I really do have incredible hair, famous, iconic hair.”

“But since I always try to stay current with the top fashion styles, I changed my hair like I always do this time of year.”

When Mocksham pointed out that the Presidents hair has looked the same since the 1970’s, Trump fired back;

“That is so not true! Every Thanksgiving I part my hair on the other side. It alternates. Right, left, right, left. Just like my politics. No one ever cared before because the fake news ignored me until I became the President. I am now a Republican so I can’t change my part from the right to the left and I had to try something different.”

“Vlady recommended that I try his hair club. I checked out a few systems online and even though my hair club is the best, his is also the best. We are both the best. And so is our hair.”

“But Vlady convinced me to join his tremendous hair club, the “Hair Club for Czars.”

“Any man can be a member of a hair club for ordinary men Andy, but only great leaders can be in a hair club for Czars.”

Hair club for Czars and Russian President Putin
putin confident