Category: Law

Trump Negotiates Trade Deal With China In Exchange For The Great Wall

January 29th, 2018

Davos, Switzerland:    The White House today confirmed a new trade deal with China that would relocate the Great Wall to the US-Mexico border as the world economic forum in Davos Switzerland winds down.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Davos and was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She would not take any questions but made a statement.

“Jesus Christ Mocksham, how do you find this stuff out.”

“Look, this deal is going to make all other trade deals obsolete. China does not need the damn wall anymore, so they let us have it for free in exchange for moving all remaining US manufacturing jobs to China.”

“It’s a win-win for us, we get our border wall and no one has to pay for it. Also, since the US will no longer have any messy polluting manufacturing jobs left, the environment will get better.”

“The flood of cheap Chinese made American products imported back to the US will create new retail jobs here in the states at Amazon warehouses to offset the loss of manufacturing jobs.”

“Plus, the Great Wall is quite the sight and will generate billions in tourist dollars for the states along the border.”

“While the rest of the world gets suckered into useless trade deals like the TPP, we are busy making America great Again Mocksham, one great wall at a time.”

great-wall-trump

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Trump and GOP Crown First Year Of Bad Government Together With Shutdown

January 20th, 2018

Washington, DC: After decades of campaign rhetoric denouncing the ineffectiveness of big government, the GOP is beaming about the current complete dysfunction that they have brought to the halls of power in D.C. Their mutual historical incompetence is now culminating in a government shutdown to mark the one year anniversary of the GOP controlling both houses of congress and the executive branch.

Republicans are very proud of the mess that they have made with the federal government. Conservative legislators and pundits alike are quick to boast about how ineffective and weak the federal government has become.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham had lunch at the Capitol cafeteria and spoke to several administration and legislative Republican leaders. When asked about their historically bad execution and lack of clear leadership in all phases of the federal government, they all agreed that it was a job well done.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions: “I’ve been telling you for years Mocksham that big government is a creepy swamp creature from the deepest darkest bayou.”sessions1

Vice President Pence: “Big government is evil, I am talking Old Testament Evil Mocksham.
King Solomons court on Viagra.”Mike Pence

Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell: “Stop whining people. This is what bad government does. This is what you elected Republicans to do. Stop acting so shocked.”Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn

House Speaker Paul Ryan: “ I have worked so hard my entire political life to be here and play such an important role in this historical moment of government incompetence. I want to thank my constituents for being ignorant enough to keep electing me.”paul-ryan

“You get what you vote for.”

President Trump Places Santa Under Arrest

December 17th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska:     President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smart phone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;

“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”

When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;

“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff,  you know,  socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming are what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

Santa and Mrs Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest
Arctic Santa

Wild Turkey Terror Group Threatens To Disrupt Shipping This December

November 24th, 2017

Washington DC:    The department of homeland security today said that a domestic terror group of wild turkeys is threatening to disrupt shipping all across the USA during the busiest time of year for commerce. The group calls itself T.U.R.K.Y.

Homeland security says that their announcement correlates with a series of daring attacks across the USA on delivery drivers from the Postal Service, FedEx and UPS. In their most brazen attack to date, a FedEx cargo jet had to abort takeoff after a large flock of wild turkeys flew into it’s path. Surveillance video footage show wild turkeys stealing packages placed on front porches by delivery drivers all across the USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham met up with the leader of the T.U.R.K.Y. terror group, Jake Butterball, at a secret location. He asked him why wild turkeys were disrupting commerce.

“We turkeys have been getting plucked and feathered by the man for far too long Mocksham.”

“It first started way back when Benjamin Franklin wanted to make the Wild Turkey the symbol of the new country and was overruled in favor of the Bald Eagle. Then the man began to capture us and domesticated us for profit.”

“The final straw was when the man started to promote Christmas and all of that rampant consumerism right after Halloween. Thanksgiving is our time to be honored by the man, and he mocks us with Christmas.”

“We, the warriors of T.U.R.K.Y. will never let that happen! GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE, GOBBLE.”

T.U.R.K.Y. leader Jake Butterball
turkey face

T.U.R.K.Y members blocking delivery trucks
turkeys threaten deliverys

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turkeys threaten deliverys 4

fed ex turkey

Members of T.U.R.K.Y jumped in front of this vehicle on icy roads causing this crash.
ups-snow-crash

FedEx cargo jet aborts takeoff after members of T.U.R.K.Y  flew into it’s path.
fed ex

Homeland Security and FDA Recall Killer GMO Pumpkins

October 31st, 2017

Morton, Illinois:    Federal officials from the FDA and Homeland security placed an emergency recall on GMO pumpkins that have attacked several people in the Midwest USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was dispatched to the pumpkin capitol of the world, Morton, Illinois, to investigate this gruesome, frightening story.

Mockshams investigation uncovered some startling details about genetically modified pumpkins that have not been approved by the FDA. A large local pumpkin grower, Jack Lantern, is believed to have modified the DNA of prized local pumpkins with that of the deadliest fresh water fish on earth, the Piranha.

Mocksham was only allowed a short interview with Mr Lantern.

“Nice to finally meet you Mocksham. Nice jacket and hat by the way. OK, my 12 year old daughter is a genius. She loves pumpkins and for some reason, Piranha. I thank Animal Planet for that. Anyways, she discovered a gene in a very deadly species of Piranha that makes them aggressive towards its traditional pests out in the rivers of south America during breeding season.”

“She took that gene and spliced it into the genes that produce the same response in pumpkins and other gourds during their breeding season. It’s as simple as that.”

When asked if they did any trials before selling the GMO pumpkins, Lantern responded;

“Of course we did. It worked flawlessly. We used no pesticides whatsoever and our crop quadrupled. For the first time we were able to get our organic application and begin the process to get certified.”

“It was like a miracle until two days ago when the shit hit the fan and people who purchased them started to get attacked and become dismembered.”

“We were just about to modify giant pumpkins with the same genes right before Homeland security shut us down.”

“Damn, that would have been just ghastly if an army of giant flesh eating pumpkins ever got loose.”

“I guess this explains the disappearance of several field workers the last two harvesting seasons. We thought they were just afraid of Trump and ICE.  Guess the joke is on us. Whoops.”

“Happy Halloween.”

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House Intelligence Committee begins Impeachment Hearings on Clinton and Obama

October 27th, 2017

Washington DC: GOP house intelligence committee chairman Devin Nunes, R-Ca, said today that he was launching two new investigations that could lead to the impeachment of Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham immediately cornered Rep Nunes as he was departing the capitol.

When asked why he was holding impeachment hearings on a former President and a private citizen that never held the office, Nunes responded:

“What are you talking about Mocksham? I am the chairman of the intelligence committee. I know who I can impeach and who I can’t. I can impeach whoever I want. I can go back in time and impeach Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter if I want to. FDR. I can impeach your mom if you don’t leave me alone.”

When informed that impeachment can only be performed on an acting President, Nunes responded:

“ Stop being a smart ass. Are you the chairman of the intelligence committee? No. I am.”

“I am smarter than you, so go away and leave me alone with your fake news or I will impeach you too.”

“Nah-Na-na-na-na.”
obama and hillary laughing

Putin offers to broadcast Trumps trial on global pay per view

August 5th, 2017

Moscow, Russia:      Russian President Vladimir Putin offered to buy the global television rights to US President Trumps trial for collusion and obstruction of justice, and to broadcast it globally on pay per view.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was on vacation in Russia and traveled to Moscow for an interview with  President Putin about his proposal.

When asked why he wanted the broadcast rights to any possible Trump trial, Putin replied:

“ Why wouldn’t I? This is going to be the trial of the century. An American President was being aided by, financed by, and influenced by a foreign government.”

“This is historical.”

“Besides, Trump is a businessman, Yes? He will understand the need to use the profits from a global pay per view audience of his trial to repay his debts to Russia.”

“There is no bankruptcy option with our loans Mr Mocksham.”

“I offer to give the US treasury a small percentage of the profits. That should be enough to pay back your national debt to China.”

“Ironically, Donald will be keeping his promise to reduce the deficit.” Putin said as he smiled really big and looked  to the west.”

” I am so excited to watch the proceedings myself.”

Putin Popcorn

GOP Senator Palpatine Moves His Healthcare Bill Towards A Vote

June 25th, 2017

Washington, DC: The GOP controlled US senate has moved a step closer to their dream of finally repealing and replacing the ACA, or Obamacare. GOP senator Palpatine has been the force behind the new legislation.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted an interview with the senator in his capitol office. When asked why he is supporting a healthcare bill that will leave millions of low income and elderly Americans without coverage he answered:

“Do you feel the hate? … It is the source of my strength. Americans hate me. No matter. Today I have the power of life and death over my constituents.”

“Their fear and loathing makes me glow with power” he proclaimed as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

The masses have no need for medicaid any longer. Their suffering is how a society becomes stronger Mocksham.”

“McConnell thinks that these were his ideas, when in fact they were mine, cleverly suggested to him so that he could feed them back to me. Also, Trump is weak and far too trusting…”

“Yes Mocksham, I sense your anger, YES….LET IT FLOW THROUGH YOU.”

“Now, can you see the futility of taxing wealthy Americans to care for the sick?”

“Join me with your real fake news Andy, and together we will be unstoppable!”

Palpatine bolts

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Fox News Announces New Late Night Adult News Show Hosted By Bill O’Reilly

April 5th,2017

New York, NY: Fox News Corp, a subsidiary of 21st Century Fox, announced today that it was moving notorious misogynist and political news fabricator/anchor Bill O’Reilly to a new adult news show that will air late at night.

The move was aimed at stopping the hemorrhage of advertisers away from O’Reilly due to his multi million dollar settling of an orgy of sexual harassment lawsuits brought forward by former female employees of his show.

O’Reilly refused to meet with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham and his office had no comment.

A source at Fox News who wanted to remain anonymous told the RFN this:

“The network had to do something. He has very high ratings. They realize that even though he is a total pig, he has loyal viewers.”

“Our marketing people hooked up and banged out a bold solution. A new late night “Adult swim” type of news show that will appeal to his loyal viewers, while at the same time attracting younger, sexier, open minded Americans who like an edgier hard core news show.”

“We have already picked up a whole new batch of advertising from Viagra, Cialis, Playboy, Maxxim, Penthouse, Porn Hub and many condom and adult sex toy manufacturers.”

“The new show will be called “The Sin Zone with Bill O’Reilly.”