Category: Law

White House Announces Plan For Shutdown ‘Payday Loans’ To Federal Workers To Pay For Border Wall.

January 5th, 2019

Washington, DC: White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney announced a new program to assist federal employees impacted by the partial government shutdown. His plan is to allow affected workers to receive ‘Shutdown payday loans’ to help them cope financially with the Trump administrations shuttering of their jobs over funding for a border wall made either from concrete, steel, or uncollected garbage from national parks.

uncollected trash

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham barged into Mulvaney’s office in the west wing and slammed the door behind him. Without even asking one question, Mulvaney started to ramble;

“Listen up Mocksham, I don’t care about your fake news, OK.”

“Payday loans are the backbone of modern American commerce dude. The entire global economy is basically one giant payday loan, wake up Andy!”

“When I was the head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, I saw first hand how profitable payday loans are. It’s a no-brainer to force 800,000 federal workers into a situation where they have no choice but to accept short-term loans on their furloughed paychecks.”

“The longer we string this shutdown out, the more they will owe, and the more we will have to pay for the wall.”

“Since most federal employees love eating Mexican food, and all Mexican food is made by illegal Mexicans, Mexico will be paying for the wall through this program.”

“Viva the federal employee shut down payday loans!

mulvaney orange hair

“How do you like my orange hair Andy?”

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President Trump Pardoned By ‘Mueller.’

November 22nd, 2018

Washington, DC: President Trump awoke early this am convinced that he had received a complete exoneration of any possible federal or state charges whatsoever.

After waking from a dream, as he has done many times before, the President called RFN reporter Andy Mocksham and insisted on talking to him. Mocksham agreed.

This is an exclusive Real Fake News breaking story.

“Andy wake up, I had the most tremendous dream! I have been pardoned for everything by Mueller!”

Mocksham rubbed his eyes and then asked for more specifics.

“I just woke up from a bigly, fantastic dream. Two turkeys were walking around the White House and they cornered me in the oval office by my desk. No one else was there.
I told them to go away but one of them started talking to me.”

National Thanksgiving Turkeys Meet The Press Before Official Presidential Pardon

“Crazy, I know. Right?”

“He said his name was ‘Mueller’, and that his buddy was called ‘Bueller.’ They were very intimidating, that I can tell you. I asked them how much money they wanted to leave me alone and then they gobbled really loud.”

“I wet my depends, scary as hell. Bigly scary.”

“I almost woke up right then and there.”

“Then Mueller told me that he was going to give me a Thanksgiving pardon and that he would not take a bribe. I got so bigly excited that I can’t remember what he said after that. Something, something…resigning….helicopter…it became a bigly blur.”

“Then I was on Marine One waving goodbye to everybody just like at the end of my dream when I met that creepy old ex-President.

“I woke up and called you. Isn’t this a tremendous dream Andy?

“But what does it all mean?”

“Best Thanksgiving in American history, just tremendous let me tell you.”

Trump nixon

White House To Use Moscow Temp Agency Amid Staffing Crisis

November 14th, 2018

Washington, DC: The White House released a press statement this morning announcing that because of a very high turnover in staffing, it will begin using temporary employees from a Russian temp agency in Moscow.

The statement came amidst a wave of resignations and firings inside the administration. No further explanation was given.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his still unsecured phone and asked him a few questions about the surprise announcement.

“Andy, it’s been tremendously crazy around here lately. I look around me every morning and there are fewer and fewer faces that I can recognize.”

“Staff is quitting faster than I can say ‘Ya Fiyad’. And the ones who I don’t actually fire are leaving even faster, bigly so.”

“Melania used to work for a temp agency in Moscow and she told me to have them find people to work for me. If they hired her then they know what I like.”

“You’ve met her, she is beautiful.”

Mocksham then barged into White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders office and asked about issues such as security clearance and citizenship requirements.

“Damn it Mocksham, look, good help is hard to find, especially for the lousy wages that federal workers get here in D.C.”

“Add to that the loyalty and trust issues that the President has with everyone.”

“Citizenship shmitezenship; everyone is a citizen somewhere, especially Caucasians. You fake news people are so critical of everything we do in this administration.”

“And they also know how to deal with you fake news people.”

“Best idea around here since borscht was put on the cafeteria menu. It’s delicious, the recipe came from new White House head chef Antonov.”

“I encourage all of the press to eat some.”

 

Trump Negotiates Trade Deal With China In Exchange For The Great Wall

January 29th, 2018

Davos, Switzerland:    The White House today confirmed a new trade deal with China that would relocate the Great Wall to the US-Mexico border as the world economic forum in Davos Switzerland winds down.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Davos and was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She would not take any questions but made a statement.

“Jesus Christ Mocksham, how do you find this stuff out.”

“Look, this deal is going to make all other trade deals obsolete. China does not need the damn wall anymore, so they let us have it for free in exchange for moving all remaining US manufacturing jobs to China.”

“It’s a win-win for us, we get our border wall and no one has to pay for it. Also, since the US will no longer have any messy polluting manufacturing jobs left, the environment will get better.”

“The flood of cheap Chinese made American products imported back to the US will create new retail jobs here in the states at Amazon warehouses to offset the loss of manufacturing jobs.”

“Plus, the Great Wall is quite the sight and will generate billions in tourist dollars for the states along the border.”

“While the rest of the world gets suckered into useless trade deals like the TPP, we are busy making America great Again Mocksham, one great wall at a time.”

great-wall-trump

Trump and GOP Crown First Year Of Bad Government Together With Shutdown

January 20th, 2018

Washington, DC: After decades of campaign rhetoric denouncing the ineffectiveness of big government, the GOP is beaming about the current complete dysfunction that they have brought to the halls of power in D.C. Their mutual historical incompetence is now culminating in a government shutdown to mark the one year anniversary of the GOP controlling both houses of Congress and the executive branch.

Republicans are very proud of the mess that they have made with the federal government. Conservative legislators and pundits alike are quick to boast about how ineffective and weak the federal government has become.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham had lunch at the Capitol cafeteria and spoke to several administration and legislative Republican leaders. When asked about their historically bad execution and lack of clear leadership in all phases of the federal government, they all agreed that it was a job well done.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions: “I’ve been telling you for years Mocksham that big government is a creepy swamp creature from the deepest darkest bayou.”sessions1

Vice President Pence: “Big government is evil, I am talking Old Testament Evil Mocksham.
King Solomons court on Viagra.”Mike Pence

Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell: “Stop whining people. This is what bad government does. This is what you elected Republicans to do. Stop acting so shocked.”Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn

House Speaker Paul Ryan: “ I have worked so hard my entire political life to be here and play such an important role in this historical moment of government incompetence. I want to thank my constituents for being ignorant enough to keep electing me.”paul-ryan

“You get what you vote for.”

President Trump Places Santa Under Arrest

December 17th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska:     President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smartphone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;

“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”

When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;

“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff,  you know,  socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming is what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

Santa and Mrs. Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest
Arctic Santa

Wild Turkey Terror Group Threatens To Disrupt Shipping This December

November 24th, 2017

Washington DC:    The department of homeland security today said that a domestic terror group of wild turkeys is threatening to disrupt shipping all across the USA during the busiest time of year for commerce. The group calls itself T.U.R.K.Y.

Homeland security says that their announcement correlates with a series of daring attacks across the USA on delivery drivers from the Postal Service, FedEx, and UPS. In their most brazen attack to date, a FedEx cargo jet had to abort takeoff after a large flock of wild turkeys flew into its path. Surveillance video footage shows wild turkeys stealing packages placed on front porches by delivery drivers all across the USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham met up with the leader of the T.U.R.K.Y. terror group, Jake Butterball, at a secret location. He asked him why wild turkeys were disrupting commerce.

“We turkeys have been getting plucked and feathered by the man for far too long Mocksham.”

“It first started way back when Benjamin Franklin wanted to make Wild Turkey the symbol of the new country and was overruled in favor of the Bald Eagle. Then the man began to capture us and domesticated us for profit.”

“The final straw was when the man started to promote Christmas and all of that rampant consumerism right after Halloween. Thanksgiving is our time to be honored by the man, and he mocks us with Christmas.”

“We, the warriors of T.U.R.K.Y. will never let that happen! GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE, GOBBLE.”

T.U.R.K.Y. leader Jake Butterball
turkey face

T.U.R.K.Y members blocking delivery trucks
turkeys threaten deliverys

turkeys threaten deliverys3

turkeys threaten deliverys 4

fed ex turkey

Members of T.U.R.K.Y jumped in front of this vehicle on icy roads causing this crash.
ups-snow-crash

FedEx cargo jet aborts takeoff after members of T.U.R.K.Y  flew into it’s path.
fed ex