Category: Social

Toys R Us Blames Going Out Of Business On Santa Retiring

March 20th, 2018

Wayne, New Jersey: The head of Toys R Us marketing and brand mascot, Geoffrey the giraffe, made a stunning announcement today during a press conference at the global
toy chains worldwide headquarters in Wayne, New Jersey. Geoffrey said that the number one reason that the Toys R Us chain is closing its doors is that Santa Claus is finally retiring after nearly six centuries of making toys and hand delivering them every Christmas eve.

Geoffrey stated; “When Santa retires, there will no longer be the need for us to exist anymore. Santa and his elves were 90% of our global business.”geoffrey

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham got in touch with his long-time friend Chris Kringle (AKA Santa Claus) and asked him if it was true that he was officially retiring after all these centuries. He responded:

“Yes Andy my old friend, it is true. I am hanging up my sleigh reigns for good.”

“My elves and I are all very old now. Because of our legendary semi-immortal status, we do not breed. The last few decades we have embraced the new ways.”

Modern machine manufacturing has taken over from hand crafted toy workmanship the last hundred fifty years. Add to that the recent advent of air cargo and year-round door to door delivery. The elves and I have slowly seen our way of life disappear.”

“We no longer make toys, yes it’s true. My elves just filled all the ‘Good List’ orders at Toys R Us stores Globally every night when they are closed to the public.”santa toys r us.

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‘Last summer we ‘toyed’ around with the idea of making our own again but we just could not keep up with demand. Pun intended HoHoHo!”santa3

“Also, since most people do not have chimneys anymore, it was taking a lot longer to complete my rounds. My safety was also in greater danger since the advent of modern security with cameras, lasers and mean, mean dogs.”

“And last Christmas The Trump administration arrested us and then fired on me when I escaped on Christmas eve to make my rounds.”

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Santa shot down

“The world has become a very different place than it was when my elves and I first started Andy.”

“The final straw was all the ‘Stand Your Ground’ NRA types in the USA.”

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Fred Flintstone Joins Amazon Primerock

March 6th, 2018

Bedrock:  Modern day stone age legend and reality TV show star Fred Flintstone entered the cyber shopping world by becoming an Amazon Primerock member.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Bedrock and was present when Flintstones very first order arrived via USPS priority delivery. It was a brontosaurus bone for his pet, “Dino.” dino flintstones 3

Mocksham asked Flinstone why he took so long to enter the online shopping world, he replied;

“We didn’t even get inter-nephelinite installed on our street by rockcast  until 2 weeks ago Andy. Who do I look like, that geek George Jetson?”dino flinstones1

“Anyways, Wilma has been bugging me, and bugging me for years to quit being a slag and buy a computer. Now I’m afraid that all the rock n mortar stores will just become rubble if everyone shops online.”

“Speaking of Rubble, my neighbor Barney is still holding out on this whole world wide websterite business. I’m pretty sure that once Wilma talks to Betty it won’t be long before Barney is calling rockcast and making an appointment.”

“He’s gonna be so pissed at me, Yabba Dabba Do!”

fred flinstone computer

Real Shots Fired In The War On Christmas

December 25th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska: The USA launched an actual shooting war on Santa Claus when NORAD fighter jets fired air to air missiles at Santa, his sleigh and reindeer.

Earlier in the day reports had surfaced that Santa and Mrs Claus had managed to escape from security at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska where they were being held for “Crimes against capitalism.”

Santa actually took the podium at the airbase and made a small statement to the only member of the media present at the time. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham.

“People of Earth. Tell your children that I will fulfill my duty to bring the spirit of giving to every home on the planet, including the homes in the USA.”

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“Contrary to the beliefs of naughty people currently in high places in the USA, the spirit of giving and caring is not Socialism. It is the right thing to do. And just plain fun. It is much better to give.”

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to answer any questions regarding the missiles fired at Santas sleigh.

After he made his appointed yearly rounds to those not on the naughty list, Santa again stated that he will never be detained, or prevented from spreading the spirit of giving around the globe, and here in the USA.

“I don’t have any special military technology Andy, I just have the spirit of giving. It is more of a magical thing. The power of giving is stronger than anything else. Giving is not socialism. It’s not communism. It’s not military strength. It is just the good vibes of being a human being.”

“And not a selfish monster. To you and yours Mocksham. Peace to all mankind and to all a good night.”

“HoHoHo.”

The Pentagon released this photo of Santa as he escaped
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Air Force targeting image of Santa
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Air Force missiles could not target Santas sleigh
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Santa and the reindeer after another successful holiday
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President Trump Places Santa Under Arrest

December 17th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska:     President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smart phone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;

“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”

When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;

“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff,  you know,  socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming are what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

Santa and Mrs Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest
Arctic Santa

Trump Becomes Member Of Putins Hair Club

November 26th, 2017

Washington, DC:     White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement today saying that President Trump has been persuaded to change his hair style. She also admitted that the new hair style was recommended to the President by none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was the first reporter to notice the Presidents new locks which prompted the press release. He was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smart phone. When asked by Mocksham why he decided to finally change his hair style, Trump answered;

“Thanks for noticing my new hair Andy. It’s nice when people notice subtle differences in other peoples amazing hair, like mine. I really do have incredible hair, famous, iconic hair.”

“But since I always try to stay current with the top fashion styles, I changed my hair like I always do this time of year.”

When Mocksham pointed out that the Presidents hair has looked the same since the 1970’s, Trump fired back;

“That is so not true! Every Thanksgiving I part my hair on the other side. It alternates. Right, left, right, left. Just like my politics. No one ever cared before because the fake news ignored me until I became the President. I am now a Republican so I can’t change my part from the right to the left and I had to try something different.”

“Vlady recommended that I try his hair club. I checked out a few systems online and even though my hair club is the best, his is also the best. We are both the best. And so is our hair.”

“But Vlady convinced me to join his tremendous hair club, the “Hair Club for Czars.”

“Any man can be a member of a hair club for ordinary men Andy, but only great leaders can be in a hair club for Czars.”

Hair club for Czars and Russian President Putin
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Wild Turkey Terror Group Threatens To Disrupt Shipping This December

November 24th, 2017

Washington DC:    The department of homeland security today said that a domestic terror group of wild turkeys is threatening to disrupt shipping all across the USA during the busiest time of year for commerce. The group calls itself T.U.R.K.Y.

Homeland security says that their announcement correlates with a series of daring attacks across the USA on delivery drivers from the Postal Service, FedEx and UPS. In their most brazen attack to date, a FedEx cargo jet had to abort takeoff after a large flock of wild turkeys flew into it’s path. Surveillance video footage show wild turkeys stealing packages placed on front porches by delivery drivers all across the USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham met up with the leader of the T.U.R.K.Y. terror group, Jake Butterball, at a secret location. He asked him why wild turkeys were disrupting commerce.

“We turkeys have been getting plucked and feathered by the man for far too long Mocksham.”

“It first started way back when Benjamin Franklin wanted to make the Wild Turkey the symbol of the new country and was overruled in favor of the Bald Eagle. Then the man began to capture us and domesticated us for profit.”

“The final straw was when the man started to promote Christmas and all of that rampant consumerism right after Halloween. Thanksgiving is our time to be honored by the man, and he mocks us with Christmas.”

“We, the warriors of T.U.R.K.Y. will never let that happen! GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE, GOBBLE.”

T.U.R.K.Y. leader Jake Butterball
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T.U.R.K.Y members blocking delivery trucks
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Members of T.U.R.K.Y jumped in front of this vehicle on icy roads causing this crash.
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FedEx cargo jet aborts takeoff after members of T.U.R.K.Y  flew into it’s path.
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Jared Kushner Says His Only “Secret” Is His Deodorant.

July 25th, 2017

Washington, DC:    During a senate intelligence committee hearing yesterday on possible collusion and obstruction of justice during the 2016 elections, Jared Kushner stated that the only secret he is hiding from the world is his love of ladies marketed deodorant.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a post hearing quick one on one with the elusive son in law of the President. When asked about serious omissions on his SF-86, the US government security clearance application form, Kushner responded:

“So I forgot to mention that I like Secret. Big deal Mocksham. I am quite sure that there are plenty of men in this world who’s big secret is smelling powder fresh.”

“My secret just happens to be the #1 selling deodorant for both sexes in Russia. And all of my meetings with the Russians during the campaign was to finalize an agreement on Ivanka’s and my own upcoming advertising campaign that will link Secret with her amazing line of clothes and accessories.”

“Big sellers in Russia Mocksham. Huge.”

When asked if Ivanka also has a love for secret, Kushner replied:

“She takes after her father and Putin. She uses AXE.”
secret

jared and ivanka

Senate Proposes ‘McCain’ Health Care Reform Bill Based On The Senates Own Coverage.

July20th, 2017

Washington DC:    Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R Ky) shocked the country today when he announced a new comprehensive health care plan based on his and other senators own coverage.

The new bill named the ‘McCain Health Care Reform Act of 2017’ was announced by McConnell in a statement to the media.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the senator from Kentucky and before any questions were asked, McConnell spoke about the stunning new legislation:

“Mocksham, I know what you are going to ask, and all I am going to say is that it would be the height of cynicism to just repeal the ACA while one of our own is enjoying stellar coverage that taxpayers are subsidizing without making that coverage available to every American without restriction.”

When asked how the new plan will be funded McConnell said;

“That was the easy part. We just removed the income ceiling on the Social Security and Medicare payroll tax.”

“Now every American will pay the same tax on 100% of their income. Not a fraction of it like Millionaires, Billionaires and our President and his cabinet do.”

“I will no doubt be out of a job next election cycle when my own party and Fox news tells my constituents to vote against me and their own best interests next primary.”

“I have nothing to lose really since this bill has no chance in hell of ever passing through a Republican congress and being signed into law by Trump.”

“That is how the sausage gets made Mocksham. It’s a bloody mess made from the carnage of average Americans.”

“But Americans gobble it up.”

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Grim Reaper Praises Latest GOP Senate Health Care Plan

July 14th, 2017

Washington, DC:     The Grim Reaper broke his timeless silence today and came out in support of Republican Senator Mitch McConnell’s revised GOP health care plan. Death has never openly supported any legislation, nor even felt that it was necessary.

Death granted a first time interview with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham at his office inside of Senator McConnell’s DC home. When asked why he felt that it was time to speak out in favor of this, or any legislation, Mr Reaper spoke:

“Mocksham, death is not to be feared. Put away your crucifix, it has no power over me. I am breaking my silence because I want people to stop fighting me. For centuries I could always depend on the old ways. Plague, pestilence, war, murder and so on. But along comes modern medicine and this God forsaken socialism.”

“Today, people have longer lifespans. Vaccines and antibiotics have made my job a lot harder Mocksham. Government health care plans have made life saving medicine affordable to the masses. Government scientists can isolate new viruses like Ebola and SARS right away and stop me in my tracks.”

“The WWW has connected people all over the world and made it harder to hate each other. War will soon become obsolete. Jesus H Christ I can’t even get anyone to start WWIII in the Middle East or Korea!!

“So my last hope is to make people fear government health care in the USA and make costs in the US become so expensive that people just decide to come with me right away when they get sick, and receive their first set of medical billing statements.”

“My next move will be to get the GOP to make medical bills exempt from bankruptcy law in the USA.”

“I will not be denied my harvest Mocksham.”

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