Category: Lifestyle

Cinco De Mayo Celebrated At Area 51

May 5th, 2018

Area 51, Nevada: Area 51 is having its annual Cinco De Mayo festivities located inside the secret compounds underground bar.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham is always invited to the 51 Cinco fest or ‘Cenyohual’ (‘all night’ in the native Mexican ancient Nahuatl alien language) and this year he is attending the festival.

The party is just as much a secret to the outside world as the mysterious area 51 itself. It has become a very well attended festival with party goers from the entire galaxy, further distant galaxies, as well as earthlings from various places in time.

This is an exclusive report from the Real Fake news.

The ‘Cenyohual’ festival was started many millennia ago when Earth was very primitive, with humans still not able to even make fire, or grow food.

The first Aliens who visited Earth built the huge pyramid complexes all over the planet, and Mexico was where their off-world government was located here on Earth. ‘Cenyohual’ was the very first annual celebration of good fortune for the newcomers. It traditionally lasted all night long. Tequila, the most popular ‘Cenyohual’ beverage, was originally brought to Earth, cultivated and distilled by the Tau’ri people many centuries BC.

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Now that area 51 exists, the party has been kept secluded and hidden inside the vast underground facility.

So far tonight the ambassador of Tau’ri, has drunk the most tequila at the party. It is a tradition that he do so.

tau'ri ambassador

One of the bartenders has been sent home after being nearly asphyxiated to death by a slightly miffed Darth Vader.

darth vader lack of tequila

The original Enterprise crew, NCC-1701, has sent a message from deep space to all the partygoers wishing them a great Cenyohual festival.

Enterprise bridge sombrero

As well as later versions of the crew. This was the message from the Enterprise NCC-1701-D. The Cenyohual celebration is the only time that Star Fleet will authorize any temporal manipulations.

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Our Reporter Andy Mocksham is still at the party. He has been challenged to a lightsaber battle by Luke Skywalker.luke skywalker sombrero

The entire RFN team wishes everyone a safe and fun Cinco de Mayo, or ‘Cenyohual.’

Stay tuned for updates.

Update: May 6th, 2018. The hungover Tau’ri ambassador is soaking in the hot Nevada sun, sweating out the remaining tequila and drinking coconut water.

alien hangover

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Toys R Us Blames Going Out Of Business On Santa Retiring

March 20th, 2018

Wayne, New Jersey: The head of Toys R Us marketing and brand mascot, Geoffrey the giraffe, made a stunning announcement today during a press conference at the global
toy chains worldwide headquarters in Wayne, New Jersey. Geoffrey said that the number one reason that the Toys R Us chain is closing its doors is that Santa Claus is finally retiring after nearly six centuries of making toys and hand delivering them every Christmas eve.

Geoffrey stated; “When Santa retires, there will no longer be the need for us to exist anymore. Santa and his elves were 90% of our global business.”geoffrey

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham got in touch with his long-time friend Chris Kringle (AKA Santa Claus) and asked him if it was true that he was officially retiring after all these centuries. He responded:

“Yes Andy my old friend, it is true. I am hanging up my sleigh reigns for good.”

“My elves and I are all very old now. Because of our legendary semi-immortal status, we do not breed. The last few decades we have embraced the new ways.”

Modern machine manufacturing has taken over from hand crafted toy workmanship the last hundred fifty years. Add to that the recent advent of air cargo and year-round door to door delivery. The elves and I have slowly seen our way of life disappear.”

“We no longer make toys, yes it’s true. My elves just filled all the ‘Good List’ orders at Toys R Us stores Globally every night when they are closed to the public.”santa toys r us.

santa toys rus

‘Last summer we ‘toyed’ around with the idea of making our own again but we just could not keep up with demand. Pun intended HoHoHo!”santa3

“Also, since most people do not have chimneys anymore, it was taking a lot longer to complete my rounds. My safety was also in greater danger since the advent of modern security with cameras, lasers and mean, mean dogs.”

“And last Christmas The Trump administration arrested us and then fired on me when I escaped on Christmas eve to make my rounds.”

OP SANTA 2015

Santa shot down

“The world has become a very different place than it was when my elves and I first started Andy.”

“The final straw was all the ‘Stand Your Ground’ NRA types in the USA.”

Fred Flintstone Joins Amazon Primerock

March 6th, 2018

Bedrock:  Modern day stone age legend and reality TV show star Fred Flintstone entered the cyber shopping world by becoming an Amazon Primerock member.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Bedrock and was present when Flintstones very first order arrived via USPS priority delivery. It was a brontosaurus bone for his pet, “Dino.” dino flintstones 3

Mocksham asked Flinstone why he took so long to enter the online shopping world, he replied;

“We didn’t even get inter-nephelinite installed on our street by rockcast  until 2 weeks ago Andy. Who do I look like, that geek George Jetson?”dino flinstones1

“Anyways, Wilma has been bugging me, and bugging me for years to quit being a slag and buy a computer. Now I’m afraid that all the rock n mortar stores will just become rubble if everyone shops online.”

“Speaking of Rubble, my neighbor Barney is still holding out on this whole world wide websterite business. I’m pretty sure that once Wilma talks to Betty it won’t be long before Barney is calling rockcast and making an appointment.”

“He’s gonna be so pissed at me, Yabba Dabba Do!”

fred flinstone computer

The Grim Reaper Takes Full Blame For False Missile Alert In Hawaii.

January 14th, 2018

Honolulu Hawaii:  Death today confessed that he is to blame for the false missile alert that terrified the residents of the island chain and 50th US state.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in the Aloha state and was one of the many startled vacationers and locals who spent 30 minutes not knowing what to do or how to respond. Death invited Mocksham to spend an afternoon at a local beach to explain why he created the false missile alert.

“Give me your hand Andy, let’s walk down to the water.”

“Don’t be afraid, it is not your time.”

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“Firstly, I will not apologize for making the false alert. Chaos is how I operate.”

“I often get depressed Andy. Oh, not for the reasons that you think, death is my job not just my name. I get down because people are living longer, thanks to global socialism and health care with vaccinations. There are no major plagues looming on the horizon any time soon”

“And earth is in the longest peaceful period in it’s history. There are minor conflicts globally all the time but no big conflagrations that give me reason to be joyous for a big harvest.”

“So I come to this beautiful beach to catch some waves , play volleyball and to take in the warm ambiance of the islands. I often sit in the lifeguard station hoping someone will drown or get eaten by a shark.”

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“I was hoping that if I created a false missile attack that Trump would panic and launch a nuclear counter-strike. It would have been glorious.”

“Anyways, I must leave now for Turkey.  An airliner will be skidding off the end of the runway soon. I may have some souls to harvest.”

“Don’t judge me.”

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Real Shots Fired In The War On Christmas

December 25th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska: The USA launched an actual shooting war on Santa Claus when NORAD fighter jets fired air to air missiles at Santa, his sleigh and reindeer.

Earlier in the day reports had surfaced that Santa and Mrs Claus had managed to escape from security at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska where they were being held for “Crimes against capitalism.”

Santa actually took the podium at the airbase and made a small statement to the only member of the media present at the time. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham.

“People of Earth. Tell your children that I will fulfill my duty to bring the spirit of giving to every home on the planet, including the homes in the USA.”

santa

“Contrary to the beliefs of naughty people currently in high places in the USA, the spirit of giving and caring is not Socialism. It is the right thing to do. And just plain fun. It is much better to give.”

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to answer any questions regarding the missiles fired at Santas sleigh.

After he made his appointed yearly rounds to those not on the naughty list, Santa again stated that he will never be detained, or prevented from spreading the spirit of giving around the globe, and here in the USA.

“I don’t have any special military technology Andy, I just have the spirit of giving. It is more of a magical thing. The power of giving is stronger than anything else. Giving is not socialism. It’s not communism. It’s not military strength. It is just the good vibes of being a human being.”

“And not a selfish monster. To you and yours Mocksham. Peace to all mankind and to all a good night.”

“HoHoHo.”

The Pentagon released this photo of Santa as he escaped
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Air Force targeting image of Santa
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Air Force missiles could not target Santas sleigh
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Santa and the reindeer after another successful holiday
missionsanta and reindeer

President Trump Places Santa Under Arrest

December 17th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska:     President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smart phone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;

“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”

When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;

“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff,  you know,  socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming are what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

Santa and Mrs Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest
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NASA Claims It Has Proof That Conservatives Are Led By The Ferengi

December 2nd, 2017

Area 51, Nevada:    NASA today revealed it has proof that the entire conservative, or ‘Neo Liberal’ movement of the last forty years has been controlled by operatives of the Ferengi Alliance. A defector from that planets board of liquidators revealed some startling information that goes a long way to explain many economic programs in the UK and USA since the late 70’s.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a meeting with the defector, as long as his identity is kept a secret. This is what he revealed to Mocksham;

“Nice to meet you Mocksham, as you know, since the late 70’s the neo liberal movement began here on Earth. It was all started when members of the Ferengi commerce authority realized that the best way to accumulate the wealth of this planet was through the political process. They began our takeover by having DaiMon Thatcher become the Grand Nagus, or prime minister of the UK. She was ruthless in passing laws that broke the backs of unions and privatizing many public services for vast amounts of profit.”

ferengi thatcher

“The movement continued with the great American Nagus Reagan, who duplicated her success in transferring wealth to the top in his country. It has also been championed by the many proud Ferengi who have become the top CEO’s of most of earths banks and large corporations like Nestle.”

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“These elite Ferengi members of the commerce authority have infiltrated every level of government in most of Earths countries now, even at state and local levels. The Ferengi rules of acquisition have been modified and adapted to the crude Human form of capitalism practiced here. Your planets resources and wealth are then converted to gold pressed latinum and transferred ‘Off shore’ to our planets Divine Treasury.”

“Now, with DaiMon Trump as US President, and many Ferengi in the US congress, the ability to pass even more profitable laws like the GOP’s new tax legislation will accelerate the process. Soon, many more Humans will be left homeless and without medical insurance.”

“This pleases us greatly since it is only through the suffering of the masses that great wealth flows to the few.”

ferengi trump

 

West Coast North Americans Feel Safer Now That North Korean Missiles Can Reach The East Coast

November 28th, 2017

Seattle, WA:   Residents all along the west coast of north America are sleeping easier now that North Korea has successfully tested a missile that can reach Washington DC.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to Seattle, in Washington State, to ask everyday Americans who live there how they felt about the news.

James Barrister, an attorney, said this “ I am equivocally ambiguous about this. I find it dubious and vague. The facts in question, for instance, the estimated distance that the missile can travel, are tenebrous and amphibological. I think your question is ambivalent and puzzling to say the least Mocksham.”
lawyer in suit

Dawn Freeware, an internet hacker, said this “Being a hacktivist, I am amazed that people are still afraid of missiles. There are Zero day exploit rootkits out there designed by 15 year old Script Kiddies living in their grannys basement with a logic bomb that has a payload big enough to shut down the entire electrical grid.”
techie girl

Ail Dihedral, A Boeing employee, said this “I’m not too worried about it. But yeah, it’s nice that they can reach South Carolina and our scab factory that builds the Dreamliner. Knock it out LOL”
aerospace worker

Brigitte Demitasse, a coffee barista, said this “ I try to not get all steamed up about things like this. Is North Korean coffee even fair trade?
lady barista

Bubba Klinefelter, a recent transplant from Alabama, said this “I sure wish those missiles would still hit here where all the damn liberals live.”
alabama jersey

When asked why he moved to the area Bubba said “Jesus H Christ Mocksham the minimum wage here is double what it is in Birmingham, plus I can buy weed in a shop down the street and get married to my boyfriend, Pedro.”