Category: Lifestyle

Trump Accuses Santa Of Controlling The Deep State

 

December 25th, 2018

Washington, DC:     President Trump has accused legendary goodwill toy maker Santa Claus of being in control of the so-called ‘Deep State’ and that he is also behind the Mueller investigation.

The press release was made while the President was all alone inside the white house as the rest of the staff were either at home for the Christmas holiday, or furloughed by the partial government shutdown over funding for a border wall.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to the white house and was allowed to ask the President a few questions about the statement. When asked if he made the statement and if so, what proof was there that Santa was in control of the deep state, the President responded;

“You gotta listen to me Andy, I’m not crazy! I was sitting here all alone in this bigly house and it all became so clear, like a vision. I wasn’t even watching Fox or anything else, so it’s all my own thoughts on this.”

“I was looking back at recent events and clearly the only person who could have seen me being naughty is Santa, right? He knows when you’ve been naughty.”

“But how could he possibly know? I’ll tell you how, the deep state, that’s how.”

“They all work for him, it’s the ultimate collusion and no one wants to even talk about it with me. it’s as if everyone is afraid of this creepy guy who spies on all of us all year long.”

“Many people also think this but are too scaredly of him to even consider it.”

“I arrested him last Christmas for the safety of the markets from all of his free socialist crap he gives away and he somehow managed to escape. How could he escape and not be shot down without collusion with the deep state Andy, how?”

“And now the markets are all collapsing, it’s his fault, not mine.”

“And then last night I watched as NORAD was able to track him going all over the place like they all work for him and not me, I mean really, I am the damn President, not Santa. Nobody even cares that am stuck here all alonely and all, explain that Mocksham.”

santa deep state

“I even sent Santa a letter asking him for my bigly beautiful wall and to have Mueller back off of me and my family but he didn’t even answer me back, so obviously he is also behind the wall not being funded by Congress.”

santa deep state 3

“He has never answered my letters, ever. I knew when I was seven that he was never my friend, marginally at first, but for sure not my friend now.”

“This shut down is all Santa and his deep states fault, not mine. He should man up and take the blame.”

“You want further proof, Andy? Why did they name the NSA the NSA? I’ll tell you why.  It stands for the National Santa Agency.”

“Print that in your fake news!”

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Martian Great Leader Condemns “Attack” On His Planet

November 27th, 2018

Pasadena, California:    Flight controllers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion lab yesterday leaped into the air and celebrated wildly as NASA’s Mars InSight probe landed successfully on the planets red surface.

The joy and sweet taste of victory were short-lived however as the first images taken from the probe were transmitted and received at the flight control center.

They clearly showed a crowd of Martians protesting the arrival of yet another lander and research probe from Earth on their planet.

mars for martians

Less than an hour later a video message from the Martian great leader known only as ‘Ack-Ack-AckAckAck’ was received by NASA technicians and relayed to the White House, State Department, and Pentagon.

NASA translated the message;

“Mars will no longer accept the constant violation of our proud patriot heritage by small-skull zealot explorers from Earth. We have watched with much patience as you have spent decades probing our weaknesses and resources with lander after lander. First the Viking landers, all the way to today’s probe.”

“Your probes will eventually steal our jobs, they will rape our landscape, they bring microbes and viruses into our atmosphere. Some of them are good probes, I assume, but most of them are very, very, very bad probes.”

mars insight.1

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was at the Jet Propulsion Lab and was given access to a communications station by NASA. He asked if ‘Ack-Ack-AckAckAck’ would agree to an interview. He responded that he would.

When asked why he felt that Earth was attacking Mars he replied;

“Your planets landers, rovers and probes are all undocumented alien spacecraft that are violating our planets immigration laws. If they want to live on Mars then they need to stay on Earth and apply for legal immigrant and resident status.”

“I believe my intelligence sources when they tell me that this InSight probe is designed by fossil fuel companies and is specifically engineered to drill deep into our planet to access our oil capacity.  Fossil fuel use almost destroyed our planet and atmosphere and we will not simply sit back and let you use the rest to help destroy Earths and what is left of Mars.”

“Besides, tell your Yankee leader that we do not accept his kind on Mars.  We are a red planet and not an orange one.”

President Trump Blames Increase In Deadly Wild Fires On Smokey Bear And Too Many Trees

November 18th, 2018

Point Dume, Malibu, California:

While visiting the devastation wrought by wildfires in California yesterday, President Trump lashed out at those whom he said were responsible for the increase in deadly fires across the USA, especially the western states.

“These bigly fires are only happening because of the low energy of the US Forest Service and their director Smokey Bear. He is way too old and needs to start cutting down some trees. He spends all his time out there at parades and national parks sucking up to celebrities. I know because I was one of those celebrities. He needs to get to work chopping down those damn trees so that they won’t catch fire and kill people.”

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Smokey Bear, 74 years old, agreed to chat with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham after the president’s media opt. He defended himself, the US Forest Service and trees.

“Hi Andy, it’s good to see you again. I respect the president, but his words are very incendiary.  Yes, I am 74 years old but I am just a mascot. I don’t actually do any wildfire prevention myself, never have. My job is to increase the awareness of the problem so that everyone who lives in the forest or around grasslands, including my many animal friends can be safe.”

“The trees and grasslands are also not the problems here. There is some debate about whether we need to allow some small fires to prevent bigger ones, that’s true, but selling off the national forests to logging companies is not the answer either.”

“I’m Smokey Bear and don’t ever want to be the Weyerhaeuser Bear.”

smokey bear and family

 

 

White House To Use Moscow Temp Agency Amid Staffing Crisis

November 14th, 2018

Washington, DC: The White House released a press statement this morning announcing that because of a very high turnover in staffing, it will begin using temporary employees from a Russian temp agency in Moscow.

The statement came amidst a wave of resignations and firings inside the administration. No further explanation was given.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his still unsecured phone and asked him a few questions about the surprise announcement.

“Andy, it’s been tremendously crazy around here lately. I look around me every morning and there are fewer and fewer faces that I can recognize.”

“Staff is quitting faster than I can say ‘Ya Fiyad’. And the ones who I don’t actually fire are leaving even faster, bigly so.”

“Melania used to work for a temp agency in Moscow and she told me to have them find people to work for me. If they hired her then they know what I like.”

“You’ve met her, she is beautiful.”

Mocksham then barged into White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders office and asked about issues such as security clearance and citizenship requirements.

“Damn it Mocksham, look, good help is hard to find, especially for the lousy wages that federal workers get here in D.C.”

“Add to that the loyalty and trust issues that the President has with everyone.”

“Citizenship shmitezenship; everyone is a citizen somewhere, especially Caucasians. You fake news people are so critical of everything we do in this administration.”

“And they also know how to deal with you fake news people.”

“Best idea around here since borscht was put on the cafeteria menu. It’s delicious, the recipe came from new White House head chef Antonov.”

“I encourage all of the press to eat some.”

 

Pat Robertson Promises The Ten Plagues Of Egypt If Democrats Win The House.

November 6th, 2018

Fort Wayne, Indiana:     While on the campaign trail today, President Trump was joined on stage by 700 club host, and former GOP candidate for President, Pat Robertson.

The iconic aging televangelist hobbled on to the stage powered only by the thoughts and prayers of his faithful financial contributors.

During his apocalyptic sermon on voting, TV reverend Robertson declared that the ancient ten plagues of Egypt would be unleashed upon the American landscape and render it an economic and social wasteland if the Democrats would win a majority in the Senate and House of representatives.

“Your tap water will be turned to blood, gay frogs will enter your orifices, transgendered snakes and other reptiles will fill your public bathrooms, all of your livestock will turn homosexual and never breed again, your skin will be covered with blue liberal boils, socialist hail the size of Oprah Winfrey will rain down upon your property and destroy it, locusts as big as unpatriotic NFL athletes who kneel for the national anthem will eat your flags, there will be huge three day rolling power outages of darkness across the land and your firstborn will all be aborted retroactively.”

RFN asked to interview the televangelist about his horrific rhetoric and was denied.

White House Press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders had this to say when questioned by RFN reporter Andy Mocksham;

“Look Mocksham, I am tired of you asking me so many fake news type questions. Reverend Robertson’s words speak for themselves.”

“Do you want these damn plagues, Andy? I know that I sure don’t, and I speak for all the other patriotic Americans of faith who feel the same way and contribute whatever they can to our campaign to keep America safe from liberal plagues.”

“I sure don’t want any gay frogs in my orifices Mocksham. Do you?”

The audience at the rally was provided with a souvenir artists rendering of the ten plagues drawn by other evangelical pastors.
trump ten plauges2

 

Cinco De Mayo Celebrated At Area 51

May 5th, 2018

Area 51, Nevada: Area 51 is having its annual Cinco De Mayo festivities located inside the secret compounds underground bar.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham is always invited to the 51 Cinco fest or ‘Cenyohual’ (‘all night’ in the native Mexican ancient Nahuatl alien language) and this year he is attending the festival.

The party is just as much a secret to the outside world as the mysterious area 51 itself. It has become a very well attended festival with party goers from the entire galaxy, further distant galaxies, as well as earthlings from various places in time.

This is an exclusive report from the Real Fake news.

The ‘Cenyohual’ festival was started many millennia ago when Earth was very primitive, with humans still not able to even make fire, or grow food.

The first Aliens who visited Earth built the huge pyramid complexes all over the planet, and Mexico was where their off-world government was located here on Earth. ‘Cenyohual’ was the very first annual celebration of good fortune for the newcomers. It traditionally lasted all night long. Tequila, the most popular ‘Cenyohual’ beverage, was originally brought to Earth, cultivated and distilled by the Tau’ri people many centuries BC.

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Now that area 51 exists, the party has been kept secluded and hidden inside the vast underground facility.

So far tonight the ambassador of Tau’ri, has drunk the most tequila at the party. It is a tradition that he do so.

tau'ri ambassador

One of the bartenders has been sent home after being nearly asphyxiated to death by a slightly miffed Darth Vader.

darth vader lack of tequila

The original Enterprise crew, NCC-1701, has sent a message from deep space to all the partygoers wishing them a great Cenyohual festival.

Enterprise bridge sombrero

As well as later versions of the crew. This was the message from the Enterprise NCC-1701-D. The Cenyohual celebration is the only time that Star Fleet will authorize any temporal manipulations.

next generation with sombreros

Our Reporter Andy Mocksham is still at the party. He has been challenged to a lightsaber battle by Luke Skywalker.luke skywalker sombrero

The entire RFN team wishes everyone a safe and fun Cinco de Mayo, or ‘Cenyohual.’

Stay tuned for updates.

Update: May 6th, 2018. The hungover Tau’ri ambassador is soaking in the hot Nevada sun, sweating out the remaining tequila and drinking coconut water.

alien hangover

Toys R Us Blames Going Out Of Business On Santa Retiring

March 20th, 2018

Wayne, New Jersey:    The head of Toys R Us marketing and brand mascot, Geoffrey the giraffe, made a stunning announcement today during a press conference at the global
toy chains worldwide headquarters in Wayne, New Jersey. Geoffrey said that the number one reason that the Toys R Us chain is closing its doors is that Santa Claus is finally retiring after nearly six centuries of making toys and hand delivering them every Christmas Eve.

Geoffrey stated;    “When Santa retires, there will no longer be the need for us to exist anymore. Santa and his elves were 90% of our global business.”geoffrey

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham got in touch with his long-time friend Chris Kringle (AKA Santa Claus) and asked him if it was true that he was officially retiring after all these centuries. He responded;

“Yes Andy my old friend, it is true. I am hanging up my sleigh reigns for good.”

“My elves and I are all very old now. Because of our legendary semi-immortal status, we do not breed. The last few decades we have embraced the new ways.”

Modern machine manufacturing has taken over from handcrafted toy workmanship the last hundred fifty years. Add to that the recent advent of air cargo and year-round door to door delivery. The elves and I have slowly seen our way of life disappear.”

“We no longer make toys, yes it’s true. My elves just filled all the ‘Good List’ orders at Toys R Us stores globally every night when they are closed to the public.”santa toys r us.

santa toys rus

‘Last summer we ‘toyed’ around with the idea of making our own again but we just could not keep up with demand. Pun intended HoHoHo!”santa3

“Also, since most people do not have chimneys anymore, it was taking a lot longer to complete my rounds. My safety was also in greater danger since the advent of modern security with cameras, lasers and mean, mean dogs.”

“And last Christmas The Trump administration arrested us and then fired on me when I escaped on Christmas eve to make my rounds.”

OP SANTA 2015

Santa shot down

“The world has become a very different place than it was when my elves and I first started Andy.”

“The final straw was all the ‘Stand Your Ground’ NRA types in the USA.”