January 14th, 2018
Honolulu Hawaii: Death today confessed that he is to blame for the false missile alert that terrified the residents of the island chain and 50th US state.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in the Aloha state and was one of the many startled vacationers and locals who spent 30 minutes not knowing what to do or how to respond. Death invited Mocksham to spend an afternoon at a local beach to explain why he created the false missile alert.
“Give me your hand Andy, let’s walk down to the water.”
“Don’t be afraid, it is not your time.”
“Firstly, I will not apologize for making the false alert. Chaos is how I operate.”
“I often get depressed Andy. Oh, not for the reasons that you think, death is my job not just my name. I get down because people are living longer, thanks to global socialism and health care with vaccinations. There are no major plagues looming on the horizon any time soon”
“And the earth is in the longest peaceful period in its history. There are minor conflicts globally all the time but no big conflagrations that give me a reason to be joyous for a big harvest.”
“So I come to this beautiful beach to catch some waves, play volleyball and to take in the warm ambiance of the islands. I often sit in the lifeguard station hoping someone will drown or get eaten by a shark.”
“I was hoping that if I created a false missile attack that Trump would panic and launch a nuclear counter-strike. It would have been glorious.”
“Anyways, I must leave now for Turkey. An airliner will be skidding off the end of the runway soon. I may have some souls to harvest.”
“Don’t judge me.”
December 25th, 2017
Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska: The USA launched an actual shooting war on Santa Claus when NORAD fighter jets fired air to air missiles at Santa, his sleigh and reindeer.
Earlier in the day reports had surfaced that Santa and Mrs. Claus had managed to escape from security at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska where they were being held for “Crimes against capitalism.”
Santa actually took the podium at the airbase and made a small statement to the only member of the media present at the time. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham.
“People of Earth. Tell your children that I will fulfill my duty to bring the spirit of giving to every home on the planet, including the homes in the USA.”
“Contrary to the beliefs of naughty people currently in high places in the USA, the spirit of giving and caring is not Socialism. It is the right thing to do. And just plain fun. It is much better to give.”
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to answer any questions regarding the missiles fired at Santas sleigh.
After he made his appointed yearly rounds to those not on the naughty list, Santa again stated that he will never be detained, or prevented from spreading the spirit of giving around the globe, and here in the USA.
“I don’t have any special military technology Andy, I just have the spirit of giving. It is more of a magical thing. The power of giving is stronger than anything else. Giving is not socialism. It’s not communism. It’s not military strength. It is just the good vibes of being a human being.”
“And not a selfish monster. To you and yours Mocksham. Peace to all mankind and to all a good night.”
The Pentagon released this photo of Santa as he escaped
Air Force targeting image of Santa
Air Force missiles could not target Santas sleigh
Santa and the reindeer after another successful holiday
December 17th, 2017
Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska: President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smartphone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;
“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”
When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;
“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff, you know, socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming is what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”
“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”
Santa and Mrs. Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest
December 2nd, 2017
Area 51, Nevada: NASA today revealed it has proof that the entire conservative, or ‘Neo-Liberal’ movement of the last forty years has been controlled by operatives of the Ferengi Alliance. A defector from that planets board of liquidators revealed some startling information that goes a long way to explain many economic programs in the UK and USA since the late 70’s.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a meeting with the defector, as long as his identity is kept a secret. This is what he revealed to Mocksham;
“Nice to meet you Mocksham, as you know, since the late 70’s the neo-liberal movement began here on Earth. It was all started when members of the Ferengi commerce authority realized that the best way to accumulate the wealth of this planet was through the political process. They began our takeover by having DaiMon Thatcher become the Grand Nagus or prime minister of the UK. She was ruthless in passing laws that broke the backs of unions and privatizing many public services for vast amounts of profit.”
“The movement continued with the great American Nagus Reagan, who duplicated her success in transferring wealth to the top in his country. It has also been championed by the many proud Ferengi who have become the top CEO’s of most of the earth banks and large corporations like Nestle.”
“These elite Ferengi members of the commerce authority have infiltrated every level of government in most of Earths countries now, even at state and local levels. The Ferengi rules of acquisition have been modified and adapted to the crude Human form of capitalism practiced here. Your planets resources and wealth are then converted to gold pressed latinum and transferred ‘Offshore’ to our planets Divine Treasury.”
“Now, with DaiMon Trump as US President, and many Ferengi in the US Congress, the ability to pass even more profitable laws like the GOP’s new tax legislation will accelerate the process. Soon, many more Humans will be left homeless and without medical insurance.”
“This pleases us greatly since it is only through the suffering of the masses that great wealth flows to the few.”
November 28th, 2017
Seattle, WA: Residents all along the west coast of North America are sleeping easier now that North Korea has successfully tested a missile that can reach Washington DC.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to Seattle, in Washington State, to ask everyday Americans who live there how they felt about the news.
James Barrister, an attorney, said this “ I am equivocally ambiguous about this. I find it dubious and vague. The facts in question, for instance, the estimated distance that the missile can travel, are tenebrous and amphibological. I think your question is ambivalent and puzzling, to say the least Mocksham.”
Dawn Freeware, an internet hacker, said this “Being a hacktivist, I am amazed that people are still afraid of missiles. There are Zero-day exploit rootkits out there designed by 15-year-old Script Kiddies living in their grannies basement with a logic bomb that has a payload big enough to shut down the entire electrical grid.”
Ail Dihedral, A Boeing employee, said this “I’m not too worried about it. But yeah, it’s nice that they can reach South Carolina and our scab factory that builds the Dreamliner. Knock it out LOL”
Brigitte Demitasse, a coffee barista, said this “ I try to not get all steamed up about things like this. Is North Korean coffee even fair trade?
Bubba Klinefelter, a recent transplant from Alabama, said this “I sure wish those missiles would still hit here where all the damn liberals live.”
When asked why he moved to the area Bubba said: “Jesus H Christ Mocksham the minimum wage here is double what it is in Birmingham, plus I can buy weed in a shop down the street and get married to my boyfriend, Pedro.”
November 26th, 2017
Washington, DC: White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders released a statement today saying that President Trump has been persuaded to change his hairstyle. She also admitted that the new hair style was recommended to the President by none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was the first reporter to notice the Presidents new locks which prompted the press release. He was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smartphone. When asked by Mocksham why he decided to finally change his hairstyle, Trump answered;
“Thanks for noticing my new hair, Andy. It’s nice when people notice subtle differences in other peoples amazing hair, like mine. I really do have incredible hair, famous, iconic hair.”
“But since I always try to stay current with the top fashion styles, I changed my hair like I always do this time of year.”
When Mocksham pointed out that the Presidents hair has looked the same since the 1970’s, Trump fired back;
“That is so not true! Every Thanksgiving I part my hair on the other side. It alternates. Right, left, right, left. Just like my politics. No one ever cared before because the fake news ignored me until I became the President. I am now a Republican so I can’t change my part from the right to the left and I had to try something different.”
“Vlady recommended that I try his hair club. I checked out a few systems online and even though my hair club is the best, his is also the best. We are both the best. And so is our hair.”
“But Vlady convinced me to join his tremendous hair club, the “Hair Club for Czars.”
“Any man can be a member of a hair club for ordinary men Andy, but only great leaders can be in a hair club for Czars.”
Hair club for Czars and Russian President Putin