Category: science

Cinco De Mayo Celebrated At Area 51

May 5th, 2018

Area 51, Nevada: Area 51 is having its annual Cinco De Mayo festivities located inside the secret compounds underground bar.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham is always invited to the 51 Cinco fest or ‘Cenyohual’ (‘all night’ in the native Mexican ancient Nahuatl alien language) and this year he is attending the festival.

The party is just as much a secret to the outside world as the mysterious area 51 itself. It has become a very well attended festival with party goers from the entire galaxy, further distant galaxies, as well as earthlings from various places in time.

This is an exclusive report from the Real Fake news.

The ‘Cenyohual’ festival was started many millennia ago when Earth was very primitive, with humans still not able to even make fire, or grow food.

The first Aliens who visited Earth built the huge pyramid complexes all over the planet, and Mexico was where their off-world government was located here on Earth. ‘Cenyohual’ was the very first annual celebration of good fortune for the newcomers. It traditionally lasted all night long. Tequila, the most popular ‘Cenyohual’ beverage, was originally brought to Earth, cultivated and distilled by the Tau’ri people many centuries BC.

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Now that area 51 exists, the party has been kept secluded and hidden inside the vast underground facility.

So far tonight the ambassador of Tau’ri, has drunk the most tequila at the party. It is a tradition that he do so.

tau'ri ambassador

One of the bartenders has been sent home after being nearly asphyxiated to death by a slightly miffed Darth Vader.

darth vader lack of tequila

The original Enterprise crew, NCC-1701, has sent a message from deep space to all the partygoers wishing them a great Cenyohual festival.

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As well as later versions of the crew. This was the message from the Enterprise NCC-1701-D. The Cenyohual celebration is the only time that Star Fleet will authorize any temporal manipulations.

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Our Reporter Andy Mocksham is still at the party. He has been challenged to a lightsaber battle by Luke Skywalker.luke skywalker sombrero

The entire RFN team wishes everyone a safe and fun Cinco de Mayo, or ‘Cenyohual.’

Stay tuned for updates.

Update: May 6th, 2018. The hungover Tau’ri ambassador is soaking in the hot Nevada sun, sweating out the remaining tequila and drinking coconut water.

alien hangover

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Trump Orders NASA To Build Golf Resort On Mars.

March 18th, 2018

Washington, DC:   The White House announced that President Trump has signed an executive order that gives the space agency authorization to build a golf resort on Mars. The order comes on the heels of Trump’s announcement that he plans to build a “Space Force” to defend his golf resorts here on Earth.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his unsecured Galaxy phone and asked him why NASA should build a golf resort on Mars. He responded;

“Mars is a perfect place for one of my tremendous Trump brand golf resorts Andy. The terrain is rugged, it has bigly hills and boulders. Its location would make it the most exclusive golf resort in our galaxy.”

“It would be desolate, much like my resort in Scotland. The Scots are all great people, but crap Mocksham, that place looks a lot like Alaska, only without Sarah Palin.”

When asked what the name of the resort would be, Trump answered;

“Christ Andy that is a no-brainer, even for you and your fake news.”

“Mars a Lago”

“I plan on spending every weekend there as President for life.”

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NASA Places SOS Message On White House Roof

March 1st, 2018

Washington, DC:     Nasa confirmed today that they were responsible for the large phallus shaped SOS message drawn on the roof of the White House.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham broke the story after he went up to the roof of the White House and noticed the drawing. When he asked who made the drawing, The White House roof staff responded;

“A team of NASA personnel just showed up one day and drew it.”

Mocksham then contacted NASA headquarters. NASA spokesperson Buzz Gemini agreed to answer a few questions. Mocksham asked if NASA made the drawing on the White House roof, and if so, why? Gemini answered;

“Yes Mocksham, we drew the large phallus on the roof of the White House. We here at NASA have seen many symbols found on other planets, the moon and yes, even here on Earth. The Nazca plains in Peru for example.”nazca phallus

Mars phallusmars phallus

“It is quite obvious from our knowledge of this ancient alien language that the phallus is the symbol of a planet being screwed over, so we felt it to be imperative that we place it on the roof of the most powerful building on Earth.”

“Maybe the Vulcans will see it and intervene in our planets time line a century earlier than planned.”

“The Ferengi are already here.”

NASA Claims It Has Proof That Conservatives Are Led By The Ferengi

December 2nd, 2017

Area 51, Nevada:    NASA today revealed it has proof that the entire conservative, or ‘Neo-Liberal’ movement of the last forty years has been controlled by operatives of the Ferengi Alliance. A defector from that planets board of liquidators revealed some startling information that goes a long way to explain many economic programs in the UK and USA since the late 70’s.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a meeting with the defector, as long as his identity is kept a secret. This is what he revealed to Mocksham;

“Nice to meet you Mocksham, as you know, since the late 70’s the neo-liberal movement began here on Earth. It was all started when members of the Ferengi commerce authority realized that the best way to accumulate the wealth of this planet was through the political process. They began our takeover by having DaiMon Thatcher become the Grand Nagus or prime minister of the UK. She was ruthless in passing laws that broke the backs of unions and privatizing many public services for vast amounts of profit.”

ferengi thatcher

“The movement continued with the great American Nagus Reagan, who duplicated her success in transferring wealth to the top in his country. It has also been championed by the many proud Ferengi who have become the top CEO’s of most of the earth banks and large corporations like Nestle.”

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“These elite Ferengi members of the commerce authority have infiltrated every level of government in most of Earths countries now, even at state and local levels. The Ferengi rules of acquisition have been modified and adapted to the crude Human form of capitalism practiced here. Your planets resources and wealth are then converted to gold pressed latinum and transferred ‘Offshore’ to our planets Divine Treasury.”

“Now, with DaiMon Trump as US President, and many Ferengi in the US Congress, the ability to pass even more profitable laws like the GOP’s new tax legislation will accelerate the process. Soon, many more Humans will be left homeless and without medical insurance.”

“This pleases us greatly since it is only through the suffering of the masses that great wealth flows to the few.”

ferengi trump

 

Homeland Security and FDA Recall Killer GMO Pumpkins

October 31st, 2017

Morton, Illinois:    Federal officials from the FDA and Homeland security placed an emergency recall on GMO pumpkins that have attacked several people in the Midwest USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was dispatched to the pumpkin capitol of the world, Morton, Illinois, to investigate this gruesome, frightening story.

Mockshams investigation uncovered some startling details about genetically modified pumpkins that have not been approved by the FDA. A large local pumpkin grower, Jack Lantern, is believed to have modified the DNA of prized local pumpkins with that of the deadliest fresh water fish on earth, the Piranha.

Mocksham was only allowed a short interview with Mr Lantern.

“Nice to finally meet you Mocksham. Nice jacket and hat by the way. OK, my 12 year old daughter is a genius. She loves pumpkins and for some reason, Piranha. I thank Animal Planet for that. Anyways, she discovered a gene in a very deadly species of Piranha that makes them aggressive towards its traditional pests out in the rivers of south America during breeding season.”

“She took that gene and spliced it into the genes that produce the same response in pumpkins and other gourds during their breeding season. It’s as simple as that.”

When asked if they did any trials before selling the GMO pumpkins, Lantern responded;

“Of course we did. It worked flawlessly. We used no pesticides whatsoever and our crop quadrupled. For the first time we were able to get our organic application and begin the process to get certified.”

“It was like a miracle until two days ago when the shit hit the fan and people who purchased them started to get attacked and become dismembered.”

“We were just about to modify giant pumpkins with the same genes right before Homeland security shut us down.”

“Damn, that would have been just ghastly if an army of giant flesh eating pumpkins ever got loose.”

“I guess this explains the disappearance of several field workers the last two harvesting seasons. We thought they were just afraid of Trump and ICE.  Guess the joke is on us. Whoops.”

“Happy Halloween.”

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Trump Reassures Worlds Airlines That Tomahawks Don’t Destroy Airports

April 9th, 2017

Shayrat Airbase, Syria: The world’s airlines are feeling very reassured that an escalation of world tensions will not affect their operations after US President Trump ordered an attack of the Shayrat air base in Syria using Tomahawk cruise missiles. The base was back in operation so fast that it had to scramble to find any pilots to fly missions. They had all gone home thinking that they had a long lay off from their job of killing helpless civilians who oppose the government.

The airfield was remarkably unscathed by the onslaught of 59, 1000 pound warhead tipped Tomahawks.

Travel industry spokesman, Gratis Surcharge, was quoted as saying in an interview with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, that “It is nice to know a possible increase in global tensions will not affect the air travel and tourism industries.”

White House communications director Sean Spicer released a statement:

“The President wanted to send the message that it is now possible with modern weapons to actually go to war and not destroy valuable assets like airports, port facilities, power plants, factories, and the other countries infrastructure like banks and hotels. We can focus on killing civilians and leave expensive equipment and casino’s owned by large banks and corporations unscathed.”

The President even tweeted about it:

trump tweet runways

Michael Flynn Seeks Immunity From Russian Flu

March 31st, 2017

Washington, DC:    President Trumps former National Security Adviser, General Michael Flynn, has asked to be inoculated, and receive immunity from the severe outbreak of Russian Flu that has broken out inside Washington DC, and in diplomatic circles around the world.

Flynn resigned his post back in February after he lied about his close personal contact with the current outbreaks “Patient Zero”, Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak.

This acute outbreak of Russian flu has exposed many of the Trump administrations election campaign and current staff.

The symptoms are as follows. Repeated contact with Russian Oligarchs, banks, and diplomats who are known carriers of this strain of Flu. It can be something as innocent as accepting millions of dollars in loans or gifts from the carriers of this particular strain of flu, or as it is now being referred to as “Putin Flu.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask Flynn some questions. When asked why he was seeking immunity from this particularly virulent strain, he replied:

“Holy crap Mocksham, I have been infected big time.”

“There is no natural immunity to this nasty strain of political flu. If I don’t get immunity from this flu, I could die in prison. With a bunch of other people who deserve to be there more than I do.”

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