Category: science

President Trump Taps Swamp Thing For White House Chief Of Staff

December 11th, 2018

Washington, DC:      In a surprise press release today, the white house informed the world that President Trump has chosen the Swamp Thing as his new Chief of Staff. The announcement stated that the new Chief of Staff would take over the job at the beginning of the year in January.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was not available for comment and the door to her office was locked.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach both the president and the soon to be Chief of Staff however and was able to ask both of them about the surprise selection for the position.

When asked why he chose Swamp Thing as his new Chief of Staff, Trump responded;

“Andy, I have said in the past that I only hire the best people, and I still do. The west wing is a bubbling bigly smelly swamp of creatures already, so I picked the best man or plant, not sure what he is really, for the job.”

“He will bring a new atmosphere to the slimy mess around here, that’s for sure. Melania is not too crazy about how he dresses or the way he smells, but hey, I’m the boss around here.”

“Besides, no one else wanted the job for some reason.”

When Mocksham spoke to the Swamp Thing, he asked him why he wanted to be the Presidents Chief of Staff while so many others are abandoning the administration, and what will be the changes he plans to make if any. He answered;

“Andy my old friend, this job is perfect for me. Washington DC was built on an old swamp and has been nicknamed a swamp for decades. The current administration has been making the waters even murkier and I feel that it’s finally my time to serve.”

“Changes? Sure, I plan quite a few changes around here.  But as much as I love your real fake news, I’m not going to tip my hand before I get sworn in.”

“I will only say this for now. The white house swimming pool has been turned into a slimy swamp, just for starters. I need to freshen up with a good swim in dark murky waters with my swamp friends a few times a day. The President has taken a few swims in it already and he really enjoys it, he seems quite at home in it. Besides, he needs the exercise.”

“Nobody around here wanted to swim in the old pool anyway, too much chlorine.”

President Trump enjoying a swim in the newly renovated white house swimming pool
trump in the swamp

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Martian Great Leader Condemns “Attack” On His Planet

November 27th, 2018

Pasadena, California:    Flight controllers at NASA’s Jet Propulsion lab yesterday leaped into the air and celebrated wildly as NASA’s Mars InSight probe landed successfully on the planets red surface.

The joy and sweet taste of victory were short-lived however as the first images taken from the probe were transmitted and received at the flight control center.

They clearly showed a crowd of Martians protesting the arrival of yet another lander and research probe from Earth on their planet.

mars for martians

Less than an hour later a video message from the Martian great leader known only as ‘Ack-Ack-AckAckAck’ was received by NASA technicians and relayed to the White House, State Department, and Pentagon.

NASA translated the message;

“Mars will no longer accept the constant violation of our proud patriot heritage by small-skull zealot explorers from Earth. We have watched with much patience as you have spent decades probing our weaknesses and resources with lander after lander. First the Viking landers, all the way to today’s probe.”

“Your probes will eventually steal our jobs, they will rape our landscape, they bring microbes and viruses into our atmosphere. Some of them are good probes, I assume, but most of them are very, very, very bad probes.”

mars insight.1

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was at the Jet Propulsion Lab and was given access to a communications station by NASA. He asked if ‘Ack-Ack-AckAckAck’ would agree to an interview. He responded that he would.

When asked why he felt that Earth was attacking Mars he replied;

“Your planets landers, rovers and probes are all undocumented alien spacecraft that are violating our planets immigration laws. If they want to live on Mars then they need to stay on Earth and apply for legal immigrant and resident status.”

“I believe my intelligence sources when they tell me that this InSight probe is designed by fossil fuel companies and is specifically engineered to drill deep into our planet to access our oil capacity.  Fossil fuel use almost destroyed our planet and atmosphere and we will not simply sit back and let you use the rest to help destroy Earths and what is left of Mars.”

“Besides, tell your Yankee leader that we do not accept his kind on Mars.  We are a red planet and not an orange one.”

President Trump Blames Increase In Deadly Wild Fires On Smokey Bear And Too Many Trees

November 18th, 2018

Point Dume, Malibu, California:

While visiting the devastation wrought by wildfires in California yesterday, President Trump lashed out at those whom he said were responsible for the increase in deadly fires across the USA, especially the western states.

“These bigly fires are only happening because of the low energy of the US Forest Service and their director Smokey Bear. He is way too old and needs to start cutting down some trees. He spends all his time out there at parades and national parks sucking up to celebrities. I know because I was one of those celebrities. He needs to get to work chopping down those damn trees so that they won’t catch fire and kill people.”

Smokey bear and arnold.jpg

Smokey Bear, 74 years old, agreed to chat with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham after the president’s media opt. He defended himself, the US Forest Service and trees.

“Hi Andy, it’s good to see you again. I respect the president, but his words are very incendiary.  Yes, I am 74 years old but I am just a mascot. I don’t actually do any wildfire prevention myself, never have. My job is to increase the awareness of the problem so that everyone who lives in the forest or around grasslands, including my many animal friends can be safe.”

“The trees and grasslands are also not the problems here. There is some debate about whether we need to allow some small fires to prevent bigger ones, that’s true, but selling off the national forests to logging companies is not the answer either.”

“I’m Smokey Bear and don’t ever want to be the Weyerhaeuser Bear.”

smokey bear and family

 

 

Cinco De Mayo Celebrated At Area 51

May 5th, 2018

Area 51, Nevada: Area 51 is having its annual Cinco De Mayo festivities located inside the secret compounds underground bar.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham is always invited to the 51 Cinco fest or ‘Cenyohual’ (‘all night’ in the native Mexican ancient Nahuatl alien language) and this year he is attending the festival.

The party is just as much a secret to the outside world as the mysterious area 51 itself. It has become a very well attended festival with party goers from the entire galaxy, further distant galaxies, as well as earthlings from various places in time.

This is an exclusive report from the Real Fake news.

The ‘Cenyohual’ festival was started many millennia ago when Earth was very primitive, with humans still not able to even make fire, or grow food.

The first Aliens who visited Earth built the huge pyramid complexes all over the planet, and Mexico was where their off-world government was located here on Earth. ‘Cenyohual’ was the very first annual celebration of good fortune for the newcomers. It traditionally lasted all night long. Tequila, the most popular ‘Cenyohual’ beverage, was originally brought to Earth, cultivated and distilled by the Tau’ri people many centuries BC.

Pyramid-of-the-Sun-Mexico-728x403

Now that area 51 exists, the party has been kept secluded and hidden inside the vast underground facility.

So far tonight the ambassador of Tau’ri, has drunk the most tequila at the party. It is a tradition that he do so.

tau'ri ambassador

One of the bartenders has been sent home after being nearly asphyxiated to death by a slightly miffed Darth Vader.

darth vader lack of tequila

The original Enterprise crew, NCC-1701, has sent a message from deep space to all the partygoers wishing them a great Cenyohual festival.

Enterprise bridge sombrero

As well as later versions of the crew. This was the message from the Enterprise NCC-1701-D. The Cenyohual celebration is the only time that Star Fleet will authorize any temporal manipulations.

next generation with sombreros

Our Reporter Andy Mocksham is still at the party. He has been challenged to a lightsaber battle by Luke Skywalker.luke skywalker sombrero

The entire RFN team wishes everyone a safe and fun Cinco de Mayo, or ‘Cenyohual.’

Stay tuned for updates.

Update: May 6th, 2018. The hungover Tau’ri ambassador is soaking in the hot Nevada sun, sweating out the remaining tequila and drinking coconut water.

alien hangover

Trump Orders NASA To Build Golf Resort On Mars.

March 18th, 2018

Washington, DC:   The White House announced that President Trump has signed an executive order that gives the space agency authorization to build a golf resort on Mars. The order comes on the heels of Trump’s announcement that he plans to build a “Space Force” to defend his golf resorts here on Earth.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his unsecured Galaxy phone and asked him why NASA should build a golf resort on Mars. He responded;

“Mars is a perfect place for one of my tremendous Trump brand golf resorts Andy. The terrain is rugged, it has bigly hills and boulders. Its location would make it the most exclusive golf resort in our galaxy.”

“It would be desolate, much like my resort in Scotland. The Scots are all great people, but crap Mocksham, that place looks a lot like Alaska, only without Sarah Palin.”

When asked what the name of the resort would be, Trump answered;

“Christ Andy that is a no-brainer, even for you and your fake news.”

“Mars a Lago”

“I plan on spending every weekend there as President for life.”

mars a lago 4 (2)_InPixio

NASA Places SOS Message On White House Roof

March 1st, 2018

Washington, DC:     Nasa confirmed today that they were responsible for the large phallus shaped SOS message drawn on the roof of the White House.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham broke the story after he went up to the roof of the White House and noticed the drawing. When he asked who made the drawing, The White House roof staff responded;

“A team of NASA personnel just showed up one day and drew it.”

Mocksham then contacted NASA headquarters. NASA spokesperson Buzz Gemini agreed to answer a few questions. Mocksham asked if NASA made the drawing on the White House roof, and if so, why? Gemini answered;

“Yes Mocksham, we drew the large phallus on the roof of the White House. We here at NASA have seen many symbols found on other planets, the moon and yes, even here on Earth. The Nazca plains in Peru for example.”nazca phallus

Mars phallusmars phallus

“It is quite obvious from our knowledge of this ancient alien language that the phallus is the symbol of a planet being screwed over, so we felt it to be imperative that we place it on the roof of the most powerful building on Earth.”

“Maybe the Vulcans will see it and intervene in our planets time line a century earlier than planned.”

“The Ferengi are already here.”

NASA Claims It Has Proof That Conservatives Are Led By The Ferengi

December 2nd, 2017

Area 51, Nevada:    NASA today revealed it has proof that the entire conservative, or ‘Neo-Liberal’ movement of the last forty years has been controlled by operatives of the Ferengi Alliance. A defector from that planets board of liquidators revealed some startling information that goes a long way to explain many economic programs in the UK and USA since the late 70’s.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a meeting with the defector, as long as his identity is kept a secret. This is what he revealed to Mocksham;

“Nice to meet you Mocksham, as you know, since the late 70’s the neo-liberal movement began here on Earth. It was all started when members of the Ferengi commerce authority realized that the best way to accumulate the wealth of this planet was through the political process. They began our takeover by having DaiMon Thatcher become the Grand Nagus or prime minister of the UK. She was ruthless in passing laws that broke the backs of unions and privatizing many public services for vast amounts of profit.”

ferengi thatcher

“The movement continued with the great American Nagus Reagan, who duplicated her success in transferring wealth to the top in his country. It has also been championed by the many proud Ferengi who have become the top CEO’s of most of the earth banks and large corporations like Nestle.”

ferengi brabeck=letmathe

“These elite Ferengi members of the commerce authority have infiltrated every level of government in most of Earths countries now, even at state and local levels. The Ferengi rules of acquisition have been modified and adapted to the crude Human form of capitalism practiced here. Your planets resources and wealth are then converted to gold pressed latinum and transferred ‘Offshore’ to our planets Divine Treasury.”

“Now, with DaiMon Trump as US President, and many Ferengi in the US Congress, the ability to pass even more profitable laws like the GOP’s new tax legislation will accelerate the process. Soon, many more Humans will be left homeless and without medical insurance.”

“This pleases us greatly since it is only through the suffering of the masses that great wealth flows to the few.”

ferengi trump