Category: science

Homeland Security and FDA Recall Killer GMO Pumpkins

October 31st, 2017

Morton, Illinois:    Federal officials from the FDA and Homeland security placed an emergency recall on GMO pumpkins that have attacked several people in the Midwest USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was dispatched to the pumpkin capitol of the world, Morton, Illinois, to investigate this gruesome, frightening story.

Mockshams investigation uncovered some startling details about genetically modified pumpkins that have not been approved by the FDA. A large local pumpkin grower, Jack Lantern, is believed to have modified the DNA of prized local pumpkins with that of the deadliest fresh water fish on earth, the Piranha.

Mocksham was only allowed a short interview with Mr Lantern.

“Nice to finally meet you Mocksham. Nice jacket and hat by the way. OK, my 12 year old daughter is a genius. She loves pumpkins and for some reason, Piranha. I thank Animal Planet for that. Anyways, she discovered a gene in a very deadly species of Piranha that makes them aggressive towards its traditional pests out in the rivers of south America during breeding season.”

“She took that gene and spliced it into the genes that produce the same response in pumpkins and other gourds during their breeding season. It’s as simple as that.”

When asked if they did any trials before selling the GMO pumpkins, Lantern responded;

“Of course we did. It worked flawlessly. We used no pesticides whatsoever and our crop quadrupled. For the first time we were able to get our organic application and begin the process to get certified.”

“It was like a miracle until two days ago when the shit hit the fan and people who purchased them started to get attacked and become dismembered.”

“We were just about to modify giant pumpkins with the same genes right before Homeland security shut us down.”

“Damn, that would have been just ghastly if an army of giant flesh eating pumpkins ever got loose.”

“I guess this explains the disappearance of several field workers the last two harvesting seasons. We thought they were just afraid of Trump and ICE.  Guess the joke is on us. Whoops.”

“Happy Halloween.”



Trump Reassures Worlds Airlines That Tomahawks Don’t Destroy Airports

April 9th, 2017

Shayrat Airbase, Syria: The world’s airlines are feeling very reassured that an escalation of world tensions will not affect their operations after US President Trump ordered an attack of the Shayrat air base in Syria using Tomahawk cruise missiles. The base was back in operation so fast that it had to scramble to find any pilots to fly missions. They had all gone home thinking that they had a long lay off from their job of killing helpless civilians who oppose the government.

The airfield was remarkably unscathed by the onslaught of 59, 1000 pound warhead tipped Tomahawks.

Travel industry spokesman, Gratis Surcharge, was quoted as saying in an interview with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, that “It is nice to know a possible increase in global tensions will not affect the air travel and tourism industries.”

White House communications director Sean Spicer released a statement:

“The President wanted to send the message that it is now possible with modern weapons to actually go to war and not destroy valuable assets like airports, port facilities, power plants, factories, and the other countries infrastructure like banks and hotels. We can focus on killing civilians and leave expensive equipment and casino’s owned by large banks and corporations unscathed.”

The President even tweeted about it:

trump tweet runways

Michael Flynn Seeks Immunity From Russian Flu

March 31st, 2017

Washington, DC:    President Trumps former National Security Adviser, General Michael Flynn, has asked to be inoculated, and receive immunity from the severe outbreak of Russian Flu that has broken out inside Washington DC, and in diplomatic circles around the world.

Flynn resigned his post back in February after he lied about his close personal contact with the current outbreaks “Patient Zero”, Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak.

This acute outbreak of Russian flu has exposed many of the Trump administrations election campaign and current staff.

The symptoms are as follows. Repeated contact with Russian Oligarchs, banks, and diplomats who are known carriers of this strain of Flu. It can be something as innocent as accepting millions of dollars in loans or gifts from the carriers of this particular strain of flu, or as it is now being referred to as “Putin Flu.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask Flynn some questions. When asked why he was seeking immunity from this particularly virulent strain, he replied:

“Holy crap Mocksham, I have been infected big time.”

“There is no natural immunity to this nasty strain of political flu. If I don’t get immunity from this flu, I could die in prison. With a bunch of other people who deserve to be there more than I do.”

russian flu

Canadian Grandma Lilith Invents Time Travel

March 18th, 2017

Winnipeg Manitoba, Canada: Famous Pegger inventor Granny Lilith Mackenzie, who has been a prolific inventor her entire life, accidentally stumbled upon time travel when she used her room heater to dry out her grandson’s car who had left his sunroof open the night before.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was excited to see her again and ask her aboot her latest invention. When he asked her to describe how she did it, she responded:

“Barry, my grandson came home from work in the Lichtenstein food stall at the Forks market and left his sunroof open all night. It rained and his front seats were good n soaked. I put my infrared room heater in between the front seats to speed up the drying out process.”

“Little did I know that I would also be distorting time itself !”

“That damn infrared heater, when combined with the Ford Focus ST 2.0 EcoBoost turbo engine reacted just like the Flux Capacitor in the Back to the Future movies.”

“Only you don’t need any plutonium or a stainless steel car body to pull it off. Damn Mocksham, the car doesn’t even have to be moving! This particular infrared heater when cranked all the way up puts out exactly 1.21 gigahertz of infrared radiation. It has a frequency of 3000nm of wavelength with a quartz tungsten core. It’s a powerful beast !”

“I love Barry’s car and I frequently start it up and rev the engine to redline just to hear that thing rumble and pop. WOOOO!!! Turns out that at the red line, this Borg Warner Ecoboost turbo engine reaches the exact same frequency as the infrared heater and things get crazy really fast! I blacked out and woke up a week earlier before the seats even got soaked!”flux capacitor

Mocksham was able to ask Barry about this to verify granny Lilith’s story, and he said:

“Hahaha, no way dude, Granny was drinking Crown Royal and passed out, you see?

She woke up the next afternoon cause it was so warm in my car with that heater cranked all the way up. She swore it was a week earlier because I had disconnected my battery last weekend and the time and date were totally hosed by a week!”

“God I love Granny Lilly. Remember when she invented warp drive and swore she spent the weekend on the pleasure planet Risa using my girlfriend’s vibrator!”

“That was kinda awkward, Eh Andy? We aboot lost our minds laughing, eh?

Florida Plans To Ban ED medication For Single Seniors

Senior std's

March 11th,2017

Tallahassee, FL: A bill has been introduced in the Florida State house of representatives to make it illegal for a single senior citizen to obtain a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication. The sponsor of the bill, Prudy Priggish(R) from Needmore Florida, says that it is the only way to prevent the epidemic of sexually transmitted diseases and sexual offenses taking place in senior communities all over the state.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went deep into the story to make this article. He asked house representative Priggish to describe the problem. She replied,

“Do you know how many seniors catch STD’s Mocksham? It’s almost 50% of the population. These retirement homes are like that movie Animal House. A big orgy of old people. They can’t get pregnant anymore, so they just go at it like rabbits on this medicine.”

“Then there are the old guys who get excited and then force themselves on women who turn away their advances. It’s getting out of control.’”

Mocksham then met up with a medical expert in this area, Dr. Richard Eldercock at the University of Florida’s senior research center in Gainesville. When asked if there really is this big of a problem, he responded,

“You bet. Big time Mocksham.”

“Medicare is spending more money on treating STD’s in this age group than is spent on college campuses. I caught Chlamydia three times myself, just last year alone, hanging out with friends after work at the senior center.”

“And then there are the sexual assaults. The police have even created a new charge to arrest these guys with.”

“Assault with a prior dead weapon.”

“This is a very serious new problem that society and experts like me did not predict would ever happen. Americans are living longer and modern medicine is allowing us to really let it all hang out.”

“Ten years ago the big problem was going Senile.”

“Now we are all going Penile.”

EPA Chief Scott Pruitt Blames Global Warming On The Sun Not CO2 Emissions

March 10th, 2017

Houston, TX: EPA Chief Scott Pruitt attended an energy industry conference in Houston, Texas today and made his views on global warming clear in some bizarre statements dissing the scientific evidence that Humans and CO2 emissions are responsible and making it worse.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to get a few minutes with Pruitt during the meetings in Houston today. When asked what was actually responsible for global warming if it is not humans and CO2 emissions, he responded,

‘Mocksham, first of all, the Sun is what makes our globe warm. If you doubt me, then go outside at night and see for yourself how much cooler this planet gets. Just go get one of those fancy new digital weather stations. That is all the data you need right there.”

“The really bad gas is called Methane. Yeah, that’s right, mostly cow farts. The only way to bring that down is to eat more cows. Simple math. You don’t need a scientist to figure that one out.”

“Clean water should be an individual preference. We don’t need a giant sinkhole of government regulations to keep water clean. I have a Britta water filter on all my water faucets. And so can you and every other American Mocksham. Conservatives firmly believe in empowering people to make their own decisions on how clean they want their water to be.”

“A good river fire every once in awhile cleans off all the bacteria, viruses and parasites like mosquito’s that thrive in nature. That is the best way to combat Malaria, Zika and all those other scary things that the media likes to make a big deal out of.”

“Clean air is simple. The more CO2 we pump into the atmosphere, the more food for trees, the more oxygen they make. The cleaner the air will get, and the more we can cut down. Third-grade science.”

“All these regulations have been put in place by the executive branch based on clearly bad science. We should let Congress decide what kind of regulations we need, not a bunch of nerdy ecology scientists and former Presidents who clearly just wanted to make a name for themselves and win a Nobel prize or something.”

Besides, NASA is finding new planets all the time, and private companies are building rockets and soon people will be living on the Moon and Mars.”

“Everyone alive today will all be dead in the future anyway.”

“That’s real science for you right there!”

Wikileaks Dump Reveals That Dr Evil Can Control Every Smart Device On Earth.

March 8th, 2017

Undisclosed Secret Location: Wikileaks has released a data dump that shows how Dr. Evil has been able to hack everyday electronic devices. It also shows how Dr. Evil can use and control them.

Everything from smartphones, smart TV’s, computers, cars, health and activity monitors, refrigerators, toasters, and even some adult sex toys.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to meet up with Dr. Evil in one of his secret lairs located around the world and on the moon. When asked how Wikileaks was able to obtain the data, and how he plans to use all these devices, he answered,

“I’m frickin pissed Mocksham. How the hell am I supposed to know who leaked my evil tactics.”

“I suspect that it was Mr. Bigglesworth. He disappeared a month ago after I stopped feeding him live baby puppies and wouldn’t let him have a laser placed on his head. Spoiled frickin cat.”

“How am I going to use these devices? You are a great reporter Mocksham, but not that good.”

“An Evil Dr. never reveals his plans. Muahahaha, Muahahahahahaha” He stated placing his little finger by the edge of his mouth.

“Trump thinks that it was Obama who listened in on his silliness, Muahahahahaha”

“Besides, It’s not me that all the world’s governments should be afraid of. Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are the ones who are really trying to take over the world.”

“Maybe Austin Powers should be brought out of cryogenics and pay those two a visit.”

“Throw me a fricken bone here.”