November 18th, 2017
Andrews Air Force Base, Maryland: Reports and photos from around the globe show Air Force One drawing large penises in the sky whenever President Trump is on board. At first, the Air Forces Special Air Mission Command denied the accusations or tried to place the blame on other rogue pilots on training missions, but recent photos clearly show the phallus-shaped jet streams appearing wherever Air Force One goes.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to the headquarters of the Special Air Mission at Andrews Air Force base and was granted an interview with the Air Mobility Command spokesperson, Lt Bullocks.
When asked why the pilots were drawing the penises and who was authorizing them to do so, Lt Bullocks said:
“The Commander and Chief.”
“Yes Mocksham, the President is the Commander and Chief.”
“President Trump is fixated on the size of his hands and his, well…Tallywacker. In fact, that is the official code name for the maneuver that is executed to make the drawings. The Tallywacker.”
“Once he found out that the maneuver is practiced by all military pilots he insisted on it becoming his trademark whenever Air Force One departs a destination, weather permitting of course.”
“The pilots are instructed to execute the Tallywacker maneuver so that it is pointing in the direction of Trump Tower in New York City. The President actually rates the pilots on how well they perform the maneuver and gives his favorites new call signs.”
“His current top pilot designation is “Skyscraper.”
Trump and “Skyscraper”
August 15th, 2017
Buenos Aires, Argentina: The Trump administration was once again on the defensive today as sources said that Vice President Pence was visiting the South American nation of Argentina seeking a possible future asylum location that would be friendly to a deposed foreign leader.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to get through to White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. When he asked if there was any truth to the rumors of VP Pence scouting out a possible asylum location for administration officials, she replied:
“Isn’t this a lovely day in the nations capitol Mocksham?”
After a repeat of the question, She responded;
“I have this wonderful letter from a little boy In Argentina named Donaldo Jr. He just can’t stop talking about how much he loves the American Presidente, El Trumpo!” She beamed.
“Would you like for me to read it to you?”
However, Argentinian director of the office of political asylum, Adolpho Himmler jr told the RFN that,
“Argentina has a proud tradition of allowing deposed former nationalist alt-right leaders to relocate to our beautiful country, no questions asked.”
“We have been eagerly awaiting an official visit from the US administration.”
July 13th, 2017
Andrews Air Force Base, Va: President Trump was bumped off of Air Force One on its flight to Paris, France yesterday by United Airlines after it was awarded the contract to operate all of the US Air Force Special Air Mission aircraft and operations. The President was flown to Paris on a later flight.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was also on board Air Force One and was one of the passengers bumped by the strict United SAM seating rules. He later asked United Spokesperson Gratis Surcharge why the President and others were told that they had to disembark and catch a later flight:
“Our Air Force Special Air mission contract was specifically designed to make transporting executive branch personnel profitable. This made it necessary to charter out the service. The White House travel staff did not book out this flight fast enough so someone else had priority.”
When asked who booked ahead of the White House, Surcharge said:
“The Kremlin needed a bigger plane to carry all of the Russian lawyers and media.”
“Turns out that Putin really loves Air Force one and United Airlines.”
June 17th, 2017
Miami, Florida: President Trump fulfilled his campaign promise to repeal the Obama deal that removed the decades-old embargo on the tropical nation and US neighbor, Cuba. He then declared it a US colony and named Florida senator Marco Rubio it’s new colonial governor.
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham flew to Miami for the speech and then met up with the President. When asked why he declared Cuba a US colony, Trump responded:
“Cuba is a huge mess Mocksham. I remember back in the day in the 1950’s when Bautista was the President. US corporations ran the island and made 90% of the profits. There were bigly casinos and tons of profit. It was so amazing, that I can tell you”
I am going to make Cuba great again.”
When reminded that back then the island was uneducated and impoverished and that today Cuba now has the highest literacy rate and best medical care in Latin America, the President responded:
“Literacy schmiteracy. What good is education and good health to US corporations?”
“Marco will whip big Havana into shape just like he did little Havana”
April 11th, 2017
Chicago, Illinois: United Airlines forcibly evacuated an entire overbooked flight yesterday when no passengers accepted compensation to be bumped. The airline had offered passengers $800 dollars to be placed on another flight but none of them accepted the offer.
Airline industry spokesman, Gratis Surcharge, made a statement to the media:
“United was well within their rights as an American corporation to evacuate the entire flight and leave these ungrateful passengers stranded.”
“An airline’s priorities are to make as much profit as possible, not to provide a seat to every paying passenger.”
RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was on the flight and was willing to accept the $800 dollars along with a no luggage fee and a free meal on another flight, but the airline wanted three more passengers to accept the offer. When no one did, the plane taxied to the farthest area away from the terminal and ordered an emergency evacuation.
“It was pretty scary, we all thought that the plane was on fire or something.”
“But as we were walking back to the terminal the plane taxied by us and the pilot flipped us the Bird.”
“Welcome to the friendly skies of profit over people airlines.”