Category: Defense

The Grim Reaper Takes Full Blame For False Missile Alert In Hawaii.

January 14th, 2018

Honolulu Hawaii:  Death today confessed that he is to blame for the false missile alert that terrified the residents of the island chain and 50th US state.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in the Aloha state and was one of the many startled vacationers and locals who spent 30 minutes not knowing what to do or how to respond. Death invited Mocksham to spend an afternoon at a local beach to explain why he created the false missile alert.

“Give me your hand Andy, let’s walk down to the water.”

“Don’t be afraid, it is not your time.”

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“Firstly, I will not apologize for making the false alert. Chaos is how I operate.”

“I often get depressed Andy. Oh, not for the reasons that you think, death is my job not just my name. I get down because people are living longer, thanks to global socialism and health care with vaccinations. There are no major plagues looming on the horizon any time soon”

“And the earth is in the longest peaceful period in its history. There are minor conflicts globally all the time but no big conflagrations that give me a reason to be joyous for a big harvest.”

“So I come to this beautiful beach to catch some waves, play volleyball and to take in the warm ambiance of the islands. I often sit in the lifeguard station hoping someone will drown or get eaten by a shark.”

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“I was hoping that if I created a false missile attack that Trump would panic and launch a nuclear counter-strike. It would have been glorious.”

“Anyways, I must leave now for Turkey.  An airliner will be skidding off the end of the runway soon. I may have some souls to harvest.”

“Don’t judge me.”

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North Korea Blames Missile Launches On Great Leaders Cat

January 12th, 2018

Pyongyang, DPRK;    The Korean Central News Agency, the official news source of the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea has placed the blame for all of its recent missile launches squarely on the feline shoulders of the Supreme Leaders pet cat.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was back in action and on the Korean peninsula to report about the preparations for the 2018 winter Olympics in PyeongChang, South Korea next month. He was invited to do a rare interview with the North Korean supreme leader, Kim Jong-un at his palace in Pyongyang.

The interview was very brief and conducted with an interpreter. Mocksham was informed at the start that he was only allowed a few questions, all approved by the interpreter’s overseer in advance. The overseer would submit the questions to his superior who would then relay them to the Supreme Leader. The questions would only be allowed to cover the topic submitted by the Korean Central News Agency.

The topic was the inadvertent systematic launching of progressively more advanced missiles by North Korea in the last 18 months.

Mockshams first approved question was;   Who is directly responsible for the missile launches?

The answer from the interpreter; “The Supreme leader has a very talented and mischievous pet cat who has free reign of the great desk of the people where the Supreme Leader controls the entire universe from. This special and very talented cat has advanced button pressing skills and seems to know when the Supreme leader has mastered the next step in missile technology. His super being cat curiosity makes him inadvertently press the launch button on the great desk of the people while the Supreme Leader is tending to other areas of the universal perfection of mankind.”

Next approved question;    Where did this cat come from and what is his name?

Answer;   “American President Trump gave the amazing and skilled cat to the Supreme Leaders father back when he was the great ruler of all the universe. NBA basketball star and best basketball player in the universe Dennis Rodman delivered the gift personally. The cat was seen to have incredible, amazing, fantastic abilities and allowed full access to the great desk of the people.”

“His name is revered in modern folklore and dynasty, it is said to have been bestowed upon him by the then reality TV show host Trump himself, It is  배설물 국가  or ‘Shithole Country’ in English. It is said that this name represents Trumps view of the entire universe outside of the USA.”

“What better name for a cat who is clever enough to launch missiles. Thank you once again, President Trump.”

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Real Shots Fired In The War On Christmas

December 25th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska: The USA launched an actual shooting war on Santa Claus when NORAD fighter jets fired air to air missiles at Santa, his sleigh and reindeer.

Earlier in the day reports had surfaced that Santa and Mrs. Claus had managed to escape from security at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska where they were being held for “Crimes against capitalism.”

Santa actually took the podium at the airbase and made a small statement to the only member of the media present at the time. RFN reporter Andy Mocksham.

“People of Earth. Tell your children that I will fulfill my duty to bring the spirit of giving to every home on the planet, including the homes in the USA.”

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“Contrary to the beliefs of naughty people currently in high places in the USA, the spirit of giving and caring is not Socialism. It is the right thing to do. And just plain fun. It is much better to give.”

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders refused to answer any questions regarding the missiles fired at Santas sleigh.

After he made his appointed yearly rounds to those not on the naughty list, Santa again stated that he will never be detained, or prevented from spreading the spirit of giving around the globe, and here in the USA.

“I don’t have any special military technology Andy, I just have the spirit of giving. It is more of a magical thing. The power of giving is stronger than anything else. Giving is not socialism. It’s not communism. It’s not military strength. It is just the good vibes of being a human being.”

“And not a selfish monster. To you and yours Mocksham. Peace to all mankind and to all a good night.”

“HoHoHo.”

The Pentagon released this photo of Santa as he escaped
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Air Force targeting image of Santa
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Air Force missiles could not target Santas sleigh
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Santa and the reindeer after another successful holiday
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West Coast North Americans Feel Safer Now That North Korean Missiles Can Reach The East Coast

November 28th, 2017

Seattle, WA:   Residents all along the west coast of North America are sleeping easier now that North Korea has successfully tested a missile that can reach Washington DC.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to Seattle, in Washington State, to ask everyday Americans who live there how they felt about the news.

James Barrister, an attorney, said this “ I am equivocally ambiguous about this. I find it dubious and vague. The facts in question, for instance, the estimated distance that the missile can travel, are tenebrous and amphibological. I think your question is ambivalent and puzzling, to say the least Mocksham.”
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Dawn Freeware, an internet hacker, said this “Being a hacktivist, I am amazed that people are still afraid of missiles. There are Zero-day exploit rootkits out there designed by 15-year-old Script Kiddies living in their grannies basement with a logic bomb that has a payload big enough to shut down the entire electrical grid.”
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Ail Dihedral, A Boeing employee, said this “I’m not too worried about it. But yeah, it’s nice that they can reach South Carolina and our scab factory that builds the Dreamliner. Knock it out LOL”
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Brigitte Demitasse, a coffee barista, said this “ I try to not get all steamed up about things like this. Is North Korean coffee even fair trade?
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Bubba Klinefelter, a recent transplant from Alabama, said this “I sure wish those missiles would still hit here where all the damn liberals live.”
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When asked why he moved to the area Bubba said: “Jesus H Christ Mocksham the minimum wage here is double what it is in Birmingham, plus I can buy weed in a shop down the street and get married to my boyfriend, Pedro.”

Air Force One Making Large Penises All Over The Globe

November 18th, 2017
Andrews Air Force Base, Maryland:    Reports and photos from around the globe show Air Force One drawing large penises in the sky whenever President Trump is on board. At first, the Air Forces Special Air Mission Command denied the accusations or tried to place the blame on other rogue pilots on training missions, but recent photos clearly show the phallus-shaped jet streams appearing wherever Air Force One goes.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to the headquarters of the Special Air Mission at Andrews Air Force base and was granted an interview with the Air Mobility Command spokesperson, Lt Bullocks.

When asked why the pilots were drawing the penises and who was authorizing them to do so, Lt Bullocks said:

“The Commander and Chief.”

“The President?”

“Yes Mocksham, the President is the Commander and Chief.”

“President Trump is fixated on the size of his hands and his, well…Tallywacker. In fact, that is the official code name for the maneuver that is executed to make the drawings. The Tallywacker.”

“Once he found out that the maneuver is practiced by all military pilots he insisted on it becoming his trademark whenever Air Force One departs a destination, weather permitting of course.”

“The pilots are instructed to execute the Tallywacker maneuver so that it is pointing in the direction of Trump Tower in New York City. The President actually rates the pilots on how well they perform the maneuver and gives his favorites new call signs.”

“His current top pilot designation is “Skyscraper.”

Trump and “Skyscraper”
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Trump Reassures Worlds Airlines That Tomahawks Don’t Destroy Airports

April 9th, 2017

Shayrat Airbase, Syria: The world’s airlines are feeling very reassured that an escalation of world tensions will not affect their operations after US President Trump ordered an attack of the Shayrat air base in Syria using Tomahawk cruise missiles. The base was back in operation so fast that it had to scramble to find any pilots to fly missions. They had all gone home thinking that they had a long lay off from their job of killing helpless civilians who oppose the government.

The airfield was remarkably unscathed by the onslaught of 59, 1000 pound warhead tipped Tomahawks.

Travel industry spokesman, Gratis Surcharge, was quoted as saying in an interview with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, that “It is nice to know a possible increase in global tensions will not affect the air travel and tourism industries.”

White House communications director Sean Spicer released a statement:

“The President wanted to send the message that it is now possible with modern weapons to actually go to war and not destroy valuable assets like airports, port facilities, power plants, factories, and the other countries infrastructure like banks and hotels. We can focus on killing civilians and leave expensive equipment and casino’s owned by large banks and corporations unscathed.”

The President even tweeted about it:

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Operational Death Star In Earth Orbit Used For First Time

April 7th, 2017

Near Earth Orbit: Military experts announced that the US has used its newly operational Death Star located in Earth orbit to attack a Syrian airbase. The Pentagon’s official statement is that the attack was a Tomahawk cruise missile strike.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to make contact with the Pentagons Missile Defense Agency director Dr Strangelove. When asked what all this means, Strangelove replied:

“MOCKSHAM! Vee now have zzzeeee…Ugh, aghk unhhh…Death Star. It iz…OPERATIONAL!”

“But vee cannot….Allow zis to become….ugh…aghk….known. So ze cruz mizzles will be blamed for ze…”

“ATTACK…Gah…Unnngh…Agghhh!!!! Hahaha…Haha…Hahaha…”

White House communications director Sean Spicer officially denied that the US had attacked Syria and accused the “Fake news media of fabricating the whole thing for ratings.”

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