Category: Politics

Adolph Hitler Wins Primary in Illinois

March 22nd. 2018

Chicago, Illinois:

Adolf Hitler, a Holocaust denier described as a Nazi by the Illinois Republican Party, won the Republican primary on Tuesday in the state’s Third Congressional District.

Hitler, 128 yrs old, unsuccessfully sought the nomination five times before, but his victory on Tuesday was a foregone conclusion after the Republican Party failed to draft another candidate to enter the race against him.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to talk to Hitler and asked him how it was possible for him to win a GOP primary.

“Even though I am a dead man Mocksham, I won the primary because the Republican Party screwed up big time.”

“No one ran against me the last time I ran for public office and won  back in the 1930’s either.”

The Illinois Republican Party has sought to distance itself from Mr. Hitler in recent weeks, even though they ran no one against him.

“Adolph Hitler is not a real Republican. That is true. He is an old school Nazi whose bigoted, racist views have gained traction in our party’s discourse,” the Illinois Republican Party chairman Hans Himmler, said in a statement.

Mocksham asked  whether Mr Hitler, who was born in Austria, is an illegal immigrant.  Illinois GOP chairman Himmler replied;

“It does not matter because he is a Caucasian.”

hitler smiling

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Trump Orders NASA To Build Golf Resort On Mars.

March 18th, 2018

Washington, DC:   The White House announced that President Trump has signed an executive order that gives the space agency authorization to build a golf resort on Mars. The order comes on the heels of Trumps announcement that he plans to build a “Space Force” to defend his golf resorts here on Earth.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his unsecured Galaxy phone and asked him why NASA should build a golf resort on Mars. He responded;

“Mars is a perfect place for one of my tremendous Trump brand golf resorts Andy. The terrain is rugged, it has bigly hills and boulders. Its location would make it the most exclusive golf resort in our galaxy.”

“It would be desolate, much like my resort in Scotland. The Scots are all great people, but crap Mocksham, that place looks a lot like Alaska, only without Sarah Palin.”

When asked what the name of the resort would be, Trump answered;

“Christ Andy that is a no brainer, even for you and your fake news.”

“Mars a Lago”

“I plan on spending every weekend there as President for life.”

mars a lago 4 (2)_InPixio

Roofs Collapse On Local GOP Headquarters All Across The USA

March 16th, 2018

Washington, DC:   All across the USA this winter, the roofs of local headquarters of the Republican National Committee have been collapsing. These collapses have occurred in many regions across the USA from Wisconsin, to as far south as Sarasota, Florida. And as recent as March 13th in the 18th congressional district of Pennsylvania.

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RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in the capitol today and was granted an interview with the current Republican National Committee chairperson, and former Governor of Massachusetts niece, Ronna Romney McDaniel.

When asked just how many roofs had collapsed on the RNC since January 2017, she responded;

“I am not sure of the total number, but it is between 40 and 50.”

“It all depends on whether you consider the headquarters of local RNC buildings involved, such as in elections for governor and mayor, as part of the total.”

“Either way it has been epic. Who would have thought that the weight of millions of snowflakes could do so much damage in so many places?”

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NASA Places SOS Message On White House Roof

March 1st, 2018

Washington, DC:     Nasa confirmed today that they were responsible for the large phallus shaped SOS message drawn on the roof of the White House.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham broke the story after he went up to the roof of the White House and noticed the drawing. When he asked who made the drawing, The White House roof staff responded;

“A team of NASA personnel just showed up one day and drew it.”

Mocksham then contacted NASA headquarters. NASA spokesperson Buzz Gemini agreed to answer a few questions. Mocksham asked if NASA made the drawing on the White House roof, and if so, why? Gemini answered;

“Yes Mocksham, we drew the large phallus on the roof of the White House. We here at NASA have seen many symbols found on other planets, the moon and yes, even here on Earth. The Nazca plains in Peru for example.”nazca phallus

Mars phallusmars phallus

“It is quite obvious from our knowledge of this ancient alien language that the phallus is the symbol of a planet being screwed over, so we felt it to be imperative that we place it on the roof of the most powerful building on Earth.”

“Maybe the Vulcans will see it and intervene in our planets time line a century earlier than planned.”

“The Ferengi are already here.”

A WEEK IN THE DEEP STATE

February 19th, 2018

Washington, DC:    RFN reporter Andy Mocksham spent a week deep inside the Deep State with its new director, Dr Strangelove. It was a very eye-opening experience.strangelove and mocksham 1

When asked what the  Deep State really was, Strangelove replied;

“Vell, diz iz a tricky qvestion Mocksham, UGHH…AGHH…DGHH…I really have no idea myzelf…Hehehe…I vas hoping dat you vould know? Hehehe”

“As you vill see, I have velly little to do except to make sure dat ze Deep State…AGHH…UNGHH…Remains velly Deep and full of ze murky shadowz.”

“Vatever dat meanz.”

Strangelove went on to show Mocksham how he protects a shadow government that does not exist. His security detail is made up solely of heavily armed, sometimes scantily clad Nuns, or as Strangelove refers to them;  “Ze zisterz who leave ze blisterz.”  nun with gun1
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Strangelove is also working with expert animal trainers to teach squirrels how to fly and sword fight with brand new prototype light sabers. And he has even managed to do what Dr evil has failed to do many times, create a shark with a real laser on it’s head.squirrels with light saberssharklaserbeamBW

Dr strangelove even has a new secret prototype space plane developed by NASA that is named “Deep State One.” strangeloves space plane

“Not even Mein Furher, I mean ze Prezident knowz about it. Itz a velly goot ting dat no vone readz your silly fake newz Mocksham, Hehehe.”

“Ve vill protect ze deep shadowz and Mein Furher GAHH..UNGHH…DGHH….From all ze threatz from ze land , ze sea and ze air.”

“To be honezt Mocksham, I am velly bored AGHH…DGHH…But I am having ze time of my life!”

“Letz go play vit my security AGCK…UNGH…. I mean letz go see if ze Zisterz are ready for a surprize attack…AGHH..UGHH…Hehehe…Hehehe…”

Dr Strangeloves cat “Malevolent.”strangeloves cat

Dr Strangeloves Deep State office is located deep inside of a bunker underneath the US Capitol.
shadow government

Trump Negotiates Trade Deal With China In Exchange For The Great Wall

January 29th, 2018

Davos, Switzerland:    The White House today confirmed a new trade deal with China that would relocate the Great Wall to the US-Mexico border as the world economic forum in Davos Switzerland winds down.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Davos and was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She would not take any questions but made a statement.

“Jesus Christ Mocksham, how do you find this stuff out.”

“Look, this deal is going to make all other trade deals obsolete. China does not need the damn wall anymore, so they let us have it for free in exchange for moving all remaining US manufacturing jobs to China.”

“It’s a win-win for us, we get our border wall and no one has to pay for it. Also, since the US will no longer have any messy polluting manufacturing jobs left, the environment will get better.”

“The flood of cheap Chinese made American products imported back to the US will create new retail jobs here in the states at Amazon warehouses to offset the loss of manufacturing jobs.”

“Plus, the Great Wall is quite the sight and will generate billions in tourist dollars for the states along the border.”

“While the rest of the world gets suckered into useless trade deals like the TPP, we are busy making America great Again Mocksham, one great wall at a time.”

great-wall-trump

Trump and GOP Crown First Year Of Bad Government Together With Shutdown

January 20th, 2018

Washington, DC: After decades of campaign rhetoric denouncing the ineffectiveness of big government, the GOP is beaming about the current complete dysfunction that they have brought to the halls of power in D.C. Their mutual historical incompetence is now culminating in a government shutdown to mark the one year anniversary of the GOP controlling both houses of congress and the executive branch.

Republicans are very proud of the mess that they have made with the federal government. Conservative legislators and pundits alike are quick to boast about how ineffective and weak the federal government has become.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham had lunch at the Capitol cafeteria and spoke to several administration and legislative Republican leaders. When asked about their historically bad execution and lack of clear leadership in all phases of the federal government, they all agreed that it was a job well done.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions: “I’ve been telling you for years Mocksham that big government is a creepy swamp creature from the deepest darkest bayou.”sessions1

Vice President Pence: “Big government is evil, I am talking Old Testament Evil Mocksham.
King Solomons court on Viagra.”Mike Pence

Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell: “Stop whining people. This is what bad government does. This is what you elected Republicans to do. Stop acting so shocked.”Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn

House Speaker Paul Ryan: “ I have worked so hard my entire political life to be here and play such an important role in this historical moment of government incompetence. I want to thank my constituents for being ignorant enough to keep electing me.”paul-ryan

“You get what you vote for.”

The Grim Reaper Takes Full Blame For False Missile Alert In Hawaii.

January 14th, 2018

Honolulu Hawaii:  Death today confessed that he is to blame for the false missile alert that terrified the residents of the island chain and 50th US state.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in the Aloha state and was one of the many startled vacationers and locals who spent 30 minutes not knowing what to do or how to respond. Death invited Mocksham to spend an afternoon at a local beach to explain why he created the false missile alert.

“Give me your hand Andy, let’s walk down to the water.”

“Don’t be afraid, it is not your time.”

reaper2

“Firstly, I will not apologize for making the false alert. Chaos is how I operate.”

“I often get depressed Andy. Oh, not for the reasons that you think, death is my job not just my name. I get down because people are living longer, thanks to global socialism and health care with vaccinations. There are no major plagues looming on the horizon any time soon”

“And earth is in the longest peaceful period in it’s history. There are minor conflicts globally all the time but no big conflagrations that give me reason to be joyous for a big harvest.”

“So I come to this beautiful beach to catch some waves , play volleyball and to take in the warm ambiance of the islands. I often sit in the lifeguard station hoping someone will drown or get eaten by a shark.”

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Reaper1

“I was hoping that if I created a false missile attack that Trump would panic and launch a nuclear counter-strike. It would have been glorious.”

“Anyways, I must leave now for Turkey.  An airliner will be skidding off the end of the runway soon. I may have some souls to harvest.”

“Don’t judge me.”

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