Category: Medical

Homeland Security and FDA Recall Killer GMO Pumpkins

October 31st, 2017

Morton, Illinois:    Federal officials from the FDA and Homeland security placed an emergency recall on GMO pumpkins that have attacked several people in the Midwest USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was dispatched to the pumpkin capitol of the world, Morton, Illinois, to investigate this gruesome, frightening story.

Mockshams investigation uncovered some startling details about genetically modified pumpkins that have not been approved by the FDA. A large local pumpkin grower, Jack Lantern, is believed to have modified the DNA of prized local pumpkins with that of the deadliest fresh water fish on earth, the Piranha.

Mocksham was only allowed a short interview with Mr Lantern.

“Nice to finally meet you Mocksham. Nice jacket and hat by the way. OK, my 12 year old daughter is a genius. She loves pumpkins and for some reason, Piranha. I thank Animal Planet for that. Anyways, she discovered a gene in a very deadly species of Piranha that makes them aggressive towards its traditional pests out in the rivers of south America during breeding season.”

“She took that gene and spliced it into the genes that produce the same response in pumpkins and other gourds during their breeding season. It’s as simple as that.”

When asked if they did any trials before selling the GMO pumpkins, Lantern responded;

“Of course we did. It worked flawlessly. We used no pesticides whatsoever and our crop quadrupled. For the first time we were able to get our organic application and begin the process to get certified.”

“It was like a miracle until two days ago when the shit hit the fan and people who purchased them started to get attacked and become dismembered.”

“We were just about to modify giant pumpkins with the same genes right before Homeland security shut us down.”

“Damn, that would have been just ghastly if an army of giant flesh eating pumpkins ever got loose.”

“I guess this explains the disappearance of several field workers the last two harvesting seasons. We thought they were just afraid of Trump and ICE.  Guess the joke is on us. Whoops.”

“Happy Halloween.”

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Senate Proposes ‘McCain’ Health Care Reform Bill Based On The Senates Own Coverage.

July20th, 2017

Washington DC:    Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell (R Ky) shocked the country today when he announced a new comprehensive health care plan based on his and other senators own coverage.

The new bill named the ‘McCain Health Care Reform Act of 2017’ was announced by McConnell in a statement to the media.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the senator from Kentucky and before any questions were asked, McConnell spoke about the stunning new legislation:

“Mocksham, I know what you are going to ask, and all I am going to say is that it would be the height of cynicism to just repeal the ACA while one of our own is enjoying stellar coverage that taxpayers are subsidizing without making that coverage available to every American without restriction.”

When asked how the new plan will be funded McConnell said;

“That was the easy part. We just removed the income ceiling on the Social Security and Medicare payroll tax.”

“Now every American will pay the same tax on 100% of their income. Not a fraction of it like Millionaires, Billionaires and our President and his cabinet do.”

“I will no doubt be out of a job next election cycle when my own party and Fox news tell my constituents to vote against me and their own best interests next primary.”

“I have nothing to lose really since this bill has no chance in hell of ever passing through a Republican Congress and being signed into law by Trump.”

“That is how the sausage gets made Mocksham. It’s a bloody mess made from the carnage of average Americans.”

“But Americans gobble it up.”

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Grim Reaper Praises Latest GOP Senate Health Care Plan

July 14th, 2017

Washington, DC:     The Grim Reaper broke his timeless silence today and came out in support of Republican Senator Mitch McConnell’s revised GOP health care plan. Death has never openly supported any legislation, nor even felt that it was necessary.

Death granted a first time interview with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham at his office inside of Senator McConnell’s DC home. When asked why he felt that it was time to speak out in favor of this or any legislation, Mr. Reaper spoke:

“Mocksham, death is not to be feared. Put away your crucifix, it has no power over me. I am breaking my silence because I want people to stop fighting me. For centuries I could always depend on the old ways. Plague, pestilence, war, murder and so on. But along comes modern medicine and this God-forsaken socialism.”

“Today, people have longer lifespans. Vaccines and antibiotics have made my job a lot harder Mocksham. Government health care plans have made life-saving medicine affordable to the masses. Government scientists can isolate new viruses like Ebola and SARS right away and stop me in my tracks.”

“The WWW has connected people all over the world and made it harder to hate each other. War will soon become obsolete. Jesus H Christ I can’t even get anyone to start WWIII in the Middle East or Korea!!

“So my last hope is to make people fear government health care in the USA and make costs in the US become so expensive that people just decide to come with me right away when they get sick and receive their first set of medical billing statements.”

“My next move will be to get the GOP to make medical bills exempt from bankruptcy law in the USA.”

“I will not be denied my harvest Mocksham.”

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Attorney General Sessions Says He Has Been Diagnosed With “Trumpmentia”

June 14th, 2017

Washington, DC: After a lack of forthcoming during a Senate intelligence committee hearing, attorney general Jeff Sessions admitted to having a medical condition that his doctors say is directly caused by his job.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was granted a ‘one on one’ with the attorney general after the hearing. He asked Sessions why he refused to answer so many questions, or could not remember so many major details about important meetings with Russians.

“Mocksham, I hate to admit it, but dawg nabbit I have been diagnosed with a serious new specific type of memory loss by my neurologist. He calls it ‘Trumpmentia’.”

“ It specifically affects the smack dab middle part of my brain that helps me remember specific details about President…Whatever his name is, and anything that he has to do with the Russians.”

“Now I am not just some old cat trying to cover up his poop on a wood floor Mocksham, I honestly can’t remember the Presidents name right now, or even where Russia is on a map.”

“I gotta skedaddle, my agent is calling. He says that I have been offered the role of “Granny” on the new remake of the Beverly Hillbillies TV show!”

“Now ain’t that sumpin?”

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President Trump Says That he Will Put His Name On New Health Care Bill If Paid A Big Enough Licensing Fee.

March 9th, 2017

Washington, DC: US President Trump, who loves to be paid licensing fee’s whenever someone wants his brand on something, said today that he will place his name on the new GOP health care bill called the “American Health Care Act” if paid a large enough licensing fee.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham asked the President today why the new bill was not called “Trump Care” like the ACA was named after his predecessor President Obama.

“Obama is not a businessman Mocksham. He had no idea how to profit from this office. I am the most powerful man in the world and I will not put my name on this piece of crap legislation unless the lobbyists pay me to do it.”

“How big of a fee? I will take 10% of whatever the Health Insurance companies get in profit from the bill. Should be a very bigly fee. Tremendous. Yuuuge”

“I am not interested in notoriety unless I am getting paid to be notorious. These lobbyists get paid a lot of money, I know, I have spent a lot of green on them in my life.”

“It’s payback time bitches.”