Category: Finance

White House Announces Plan For Shutdown ‘Payday Loans’ To Federal Workers To Pay For Border Wall.

January 5th, 2019

Washington, DC: White House chief of staff Mick Mulvaney announced a new program to assist federal employees impacted by the partial government shutdown. His plan is to allow affected workers to receive ‘Shutdown payday loans’ to help them cope financially with the Trump administrations shuttering of their jobs over funding for a border wall made either from concrete, steel, or uncollected garbage from national parks.

uncollected trash

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham barged into Mulvaney’s office in the west wing and slammed the door behind him. Without even asking one question, Mulvaney started to ramble;

“Listen up Mocksham, I don’t care about your fake news, OK.”

“Payday loans are the backbone of modern American commerce dude. The entire global economy is basically one giant payday loan, wake up Andy!”

“When I was the head of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, I saw first hand how profitable payday loans are. It’s a no-brainer to force 800,000 federal workers into a situation where they have no choice but to accept short-term loans on their furloughed paychecks.”

“The longer we string this shutdown out, the more they will owe, and the more we will have to pay for the wall.”

“Since most federal employees love eating Mexican food, and all Mexican food is made by illegal Mexicans, Mexico will be paying for the wall through this program.”

“Viva the federal employee shut down payday loans!

mulvaney orange hair

“How do you like my orange hair Andy?”

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Trump Accuses Santa Of Controlling The Deep State

 

December 25th, 2018

Washington, DC:     President Trump has accused legendary goodwill toy maker Santa Claus of being in control of the so-called ‘Deep State’ and that he is also behind the Mueller investigation.

The press release was made while the President was all alone inside the white house as the rest of the staff were either at home for the Christmas holiday, or furloughed by the partial government shutdown over funding for a border wall.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went to the white house and was allowed to ask the President a few questions about the statement. When asked if he made the statement and if so, what proof was there that Santa was in control of the deep state, the President responded;

“You gotta listen to me Andy, I’m not crazy! I was sitting here all alone in this bigly house and it all became so clear, like a vision. I wasn’t even watching Fox or anything else, so it’s all my own thoughts on this.”

“I was looking back at recent events and clearly the only person who could have seen me being naughty is Santa, right? He knows when you’ve been naughty.”

“But how could he possibly know? I’ll tell you how, the deep state, that’s how.”

“They all work for him, it’s the ultimate collusion and no one wants to even talk about it with me. it’s as if everyone is afraid of this creepy guy who spies on all of us all year long.”

“Many people also think this but are too scaredly of him to even consider it.”

“I arrested him last Christmas for the safety of the markets from all of his free socialist crap he gives away and he somehow managed to escape. How could he escape and not be shot down without collusion with the deep state Andy, how?”

“And now the markets are all collapsing, it’s his fault, not mine.”

“And then last night I watched as NORAD was able to track him going all over the place like they all work for him and not me, I mean really, I am the damn President, not Santa. Nobody even cares that am stuck here all alonely and all, explain that Mocksham.”

santa deep state

“I even sent Santa a letter asking him for my bigly beautiful wall and to have Mueller back off of me and my family but he didn’t even answer me back, so obviously he is also behind the wall not being funded by Congress.”

santa deep state 3

“He has never answered my letters, ever. I knew when I was seven that he was never my friend, marginally at first, but for sure not my friend now.”

“This shut down is all Santa and his deep states fault, not mine. He should man up and take the blame.”

“You want further proof, Andy? Why did they name the NSA the NSA? I’ll tell you why.  It stands for the National Santa Agency.”

“Print that in your fake news!”

White House To Use Moscow Temp Agency Amid Staffing Crisis

November 14th, 2018

Washington, DC: The White House released a press statement this morning announcing that because of a very high turnover in staffing, it will begin using temporary employees from a Russian temp agency in Moscow.

The statement came amidst a wave of resignations and firings inside the administration. No further explanation was given.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham called the President on his still unsecured phone and asked him a few questions about the surprise announcement.

“Andy, it’s been tremendously crazy around here lately. I look around me every morning and there are fewer and fewer faces that I can recognize.”

“Staff is quitting faster than I can say ‘Ya Fiyad’. And the ones who I don’t actually fire are leaving even faster, bigly so.”

“Melania used to work for a temp agency in Moscow and she told me to have them find people to work for me. If they hired her then they know what I like.”

“You’ve met her, she is beautiful.”

Mocksham then barged into White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders office and asked about issues such as security clearance and citizenship requirements.

“Damn it Mocksham, look, good help is hard to find, especially for the lousy wages that federal workers get here in D.C.”

“Add to that the loyalty and trust issues that the President has with everyone.”

“Citizenship shmitezenship; everyone is a citizen somewhere, especially Caucasians. You fake news people are so critical of everything we do in this administration.”

“And they also know how to deal with you fake news people.”

“Best idea around here since borscht was put on the cafeteria menu. It’s delicious, the recipe came from new White House head chef Antonov.”

“I encourage all of the press to eat some.”

 

President Trump Awards Medal Of Freedom To Dr Evil

November 12th, 2018

Washington, DC:     President Trump today announced that he has awarded the nations highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal Of Freedom, to his biggest campaign contributor, Dr Evil.

The notorious global antagonist is said to have contributed over one billion US dollars to Trumps various businesses and political campaign.

When questioned by RFN reporter Andy Mocksham about how the President could award the medal of freedom to such a reviled global villain, white house press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders answered;

“OK look Mocksham, here you go again. This man is a committed doctor, philanthropist, and humanitarian, as well as a lifetime member of the international proliferation of weapons association.”

“He even has a laser mounted on the Moon that can destroy entire cities. If that doesn’t deserve a medal, then I don’t know what else a man can do.”

RFN reporter Mocksham then met with Dr Evil himself at one of his many hidden global secret lairs. When asked why he felt that he was deserving of the nations highest civilian honor, Dr Evil responded;

“Throw me a friggen bone Andy, I deserve it because if I don’t get it Mr Bigglesworth would get very angry” pointing to his pet cat.

“And he likes to break things. You wouldn’t want him breaking anything important, would you? Like global peace and prosperity? I didn’t think so.”

“Is not a little medal worth global peace? Besides, who else did you expect Trump would give it to? Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk? The friggen Pope?

“Amateurs.”

dr evil in his lair

President Trump Signs Executive Order Using The Currency From His Defunct Board Game To Eliminate The Budget Deficit

October 21st, 2018

Washington, DC: Pulitzer Prize award winner for journalism, RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, returned to his cherished correspondent duty this past week. His first assignment was based on a tip from several whistle-blowers inside the Federal Reserve, Dept of the Treasury and the White House itself.

Concerned by the ballooning deficit created by last years tax reform bill, the White House signed an executive order that would use the multi-colored currency from President Trumps now discontinued board game to pay down the national debt.

trump the game money

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham contacted the President on his still unsecured galaxy smartphone and asked him a few questions about the new Executive order, and how it will affect the deficit.

When asked why he would want to use fake currency from his defunct board game to buy down the federal deficit, Trump responded;

“That’s a great question Andy, I can’t understand why the rest of the fake news completely misses the stories that you dig into so bigly.”

“You are the best. I’m glad your hand is better.”

“Here is the deal. I needed those humongous tax breaks last year. Truth is that no matter how much I pilfer from the tax coffers by golfing every weekend, I’m still going broke. For some reason, those tax breaks are also making the country go broke.”

“I’m not an economist Andy, I’m a frustrated game show host. I would have been much happier as the host of Hollywood Squares or Wheel of Fortune, but I missed those opportunities by choosing the Apprentice and then putting all my effort behind my amazing board game.”

“It was so much better than Monopoly.”

“No one wanted to buy either version of my tremendous game. I printed billions of Trump dollars for both versions but only sold a few hundred thousand. It was a bigly colossal failure Andy.”

“Tremendously so.”

“I have billions of Trump Game dollars left over to balance the federal budget. But everyone is telling me that I can’t use them.”

“I don’t understand why. Canada has an amazing economy and they have been using Monopoly money since the 1930’s”

canadian money

Mocksham17

Trump Negotiates Trade Deal With China In Exchange For The Great Wall

January 29th, 2018

Davos, Switzerland:    The White House today confirmed a new trade deal with China that would relocate the Great Wall to the US-Mexico border as the world economic forum in Davos Switzerland winds down.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Davos and was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She would not take any questions but made a statement.

“Jesus Christ Mocksham, how do you find this stuff out.”

“Look, this deal is going to make all other trade deals obsolete. China does not need the damn wall anymore, so they let us have it for free in exchange for moving all remaining US manufacturing jobs to China.”

“It’s a win-win for us, we get our border wall and no one has to pay for it. Also, since the US will no longer have any messy polluting manufacturing jobs left, the environment will get better.”

“The flood of cheap Chinese made American products imported back to the US will create new retail jobs here in the states at Amazon warehouses to offset the loss of manufacturing jobs.”

“Plus, the Great Wall is quite the sight and will generate billions in tourist dollars for the states along the border.”

“While the rest of the world gets suckered into useless trade deals like the TPP, we are busy making America great Again Mocksham, one great wall at a time.”

great-wall-trump

President Trump Places Santa Under Arrest

December 17th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska:     President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smartphone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;

“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”

When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;

“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff,  you know,  socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming is what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

Santa and Mrs. Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest
Arctic Santa