Category: Finance

President Trump Awards Medal Of Freedom To Dr Evil

November 12th, 2018

Washington, DC:     President Trump today announced that he has awarded the nations highest civilian honor, the Presidential Medal Of Freedom, to his biggest campaign contributor, Dr Evil.

The notorious global antagonist is said to have contributed over one billion US dollars to Trumps various businesses and political campaign.

When questioned by RFN reporter Andy Mocksham about how the President could award the medal of freedom to such a reviled global villain, white house press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders answered;

“OK look Mocksham, here you go again. This man is a committed doctor, philanthropist, and humanitarian, as well as a lifetime member of the international proliferation of weapons association.”

“He even has a laser mounted on the Moon that can destroy entire cities. If that doesn’t deserve a medal, then I don’t know what else a man can do.”

RFN reporter Mocksham then met with Dr Evil himself at one of his many hidden global secret lairs. When asked why he felt that he was deserving of the nations highest civilian honor, Dr Evil responded;

“Throw me a friggen bone Andy, I deserve it because if I don’t get it Mr Bigglesworth would get very angry” pointing to his pet cat.

“And he likes to break things. You wouldn’t want him breaking anything important, would you? Like global peace and prosperity? I didn’t think so.”

“Is not a little medal worth global peace? Besides, who else did you expect Trump would give it to? Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk? The friggen Pope?

“Amateurs.”

dr evil in his lair

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President Trump Signs Executive Order Using The Currency From His Defunct Board Game To Eliminate The Budget Deficit

October 21st, 2018

Washington, DC: Pulitzer Prize award winner for journalism, RFN reporter Andy Mocksham, returned to his cherished correspondent duty this past week. His first assignment was based on a tip from several whistle-blowers inside the Federal Reserve, Dept of the Treasury and the White House itself.

Concerned by the ballooning deficit created by last years tax reform bill, the White House signed an executive order that would use the multi-colored currency from President Trumps now discontinued board game to pay down the national debt.

trump the game money

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham contacted the President on his still unsecured galaxy smartphone and asked him a few questions about the new Executive order, and how it will affect the deficit.

When asked why he would want to use fake currency from his defunct board game to buy down the federal deficit, Trump responded;

“That’s a great question Andy, I can’t understand why the rest of the fake news completely misses the stories that you dig into so bigly.”

“You are the best. I’m glad your hand is better.”

“Here is the deal. I needed those humongous tax breaks last year. Truth is that no matter how much I pilfer from the tax coffers by golfing every weekend, I’m still going broke. For some reason, those tax breaks are also making the country go broke.”

“I’m not an economist Andy, I’m a frustrated game show host. I would have been much happier as the host of Hollywood Squares or Wheel of Fortune, but I missed those opportunities by choosing the Apprentice and then putting all my effort behind my amazing board game.”

“It was so much better than Monopoly.”

“No one wanted to buy either version of my tremendous game. I printed billions of Trump dollars for both versions but only sold a few hundred thousand. It was a bigly colossal failure Andy.”

“Tremendously so.”

“I have billions of Trump Game dollars left over to balance the federal budget. But everyone is telling me that I can’t use them.”

“I don’t understand why. Canada has an amazing economy and they have been using Monopoly money since the 1930’s”

canadian money

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Trump Negotiates Trade Deal With China In Exchange For The Great Wall

January 29th, 2018

Davos, Switzerland:    The White House today confirmed a new trade deal with China that would relocate the Great Wall to the US-Mexico border as the world economic forum in Davos Switzerland winds down.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was in Davos and was able to speak with Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

She would not take any questions but made a statement.

“Jesus Christ Mocksham, how do you find this stuff out.”

“Look, this deal is going to make all other trade deals obsolete. China does not need the damn wall anymore, so they let us have it for free in exchange for moving all remaining US manufacturing jobs to China.”

“It’s a win-win for us, we get our border wall and no one has to pay for it. Also, since the US will no longer have any messy polluting manufacturing jobs left, the environment will get better.”

“The flood of cheap Chinese made American products imported back to the US will create new retail jobs here in the states at Amazon warehouses to offset the loss of manufacturing jobs.”

“Plus, the Great Wall is quite the sight and will generate billions in tourist dollars for the states along the border.”

“While the rest of the world gets suckered into useless trade deals like the TPP, we are busy making America great Again Mocksham, one great wall at a time.”

great-wall-trump

President Trump Places Santa Under Arrest

December 17th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska:     President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smartphone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;

“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”

When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;

“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff,  you know,  socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming is what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

Santa and Mrs. Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest
Arctic Santa

Wild Turkey Terror Group Threatens To Disrupt Shipping This December

November 24th, 2017

Washington DC:    The department of homeland security today said that a domestic terror group of wild turkeys is threatening to disrupt shipping all across the USA during the busiest time of year for commerce. The group calls itself T.U.R.K.Y.

Homeland security says that their announcement correlates with a series of daring attacks across the USA on delivery drivers from the Postal Service, FedEx, and UPS. In their most brazen attack to date, a FedEx cargo jet had to abort takeoff after a large flock of wild turkeys flew into its path. Surveillance video footage shows wild turkeys stealing packages placed on front porches by delivery drivers all across the USA.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham met up with the leader of the T.U.R.K.Y. terror group, Jake Butterball, at a secret location. He asked him why wild turkeys were disrupting commerce.

“We turkeys have been getting plucked and feathered by the man for far too long Mocksham.”

“It first started way back when Benjamin Franklin wanted to make Wild Turkey the symbol of the new country and was overruled in favor of the Bald Eagle. Then the man began to capture us and domesticated us for profit.”

“The final straw was when the man started to promote Christmas and all of that rampant consumerism right after Halloween. Thanksgiving is our time to be honored by the man, and he mocks us with Christmas.”

“We, the warriors of T.U.R.K.Y. will never let that happen! GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE,GOBBLE, GOBBLE.”

T.U.R.K.Y. leader Jake Butterball
turkey face

T.U.R.K.Y members blocking delivery trucks
turkeys threaten deliverys

turkeys threaten deliverys3

turkeys threaten deliverys 4

fed ex turkey

Members of T.U.R.K.Y jumped in front of this vehicle on icy roads causing this crash.
ups-snow-crash

FedEx cargo jet aborts takeoff after members of T.U.R.K.Y  flew into it’s path.
fed ex

United Airlines Evacuates Overbooked Flight

April 11th, 2017

Chicago, Illinois: United Airlines forcibly evacuated an entire overbooked flight yesterday when no passengers accepted compensation to be bumped. The airline had offered passengers $800 dollars to be placed on another flight but none of them accepted the offer.

Airline industry spokesman, Gratis Surcharge, made a statement to the media:

“United was well within their rights as an American corporation to evacuate the entire flight and leave these ungrateful passengers stranded.”

“An airline’s priorities are to make as much profit as possible, not to provide a seat to every paying passenger.”

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was on the flight and was willing to accept the $800 dollars along with a no luggage fee and a free meal on another flight, but the airline wanted three more passengers to accept the offer. When no one did, the plane taxied to the farthest area away from the terminal and ordered an emergency evacuation.

“It was pretty scary, we all thought that the plane was on fire or something.”

“But as we were walking back to the terminal the plane taxied by us and the pilot flipped us the Bird.”

“Welcome to the friendly skies of profit over people airlines.”

President Trumps 2005 Tax Return Shows That He Pays Less In taxes Than Illegal Immigrants

March 16th, 2017

Washington, DC: President Trump leaked his 2005 income tax return to reporter David Cay Johnston and they were shown to the public on MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow show. The 1040’s show that the President paid $38million in taxes that year.

The president was hoping that this leak would impress Americans with his wealth and dedication to paying taxes. But our experts noticed that $38 million is a paltry amount considering that undocumented illegal immigrants pay $11.6 billion a year. And that the Federal and many state budgets would collapse without their tax contributions.

While the rest of the mainstream media has ignored these facts, The Real Fake news and our reporter Andy Mocksham has blown this story wide open.

According to a study by the Institute of Taxation and Economic Policy, the 11 million undocumented immigrants in the US pay taxes on goods, services, homes, and personal income.     http://www.itep.org/immigration/

Reporter Mocksham was able to get a few minutes with White House communications director Sean Spicer and he asked him if the President and he were aware of these numbers. Spicer responded,

“C’mon Andy, that is total BS, where do you get your fake news info? Everyone knows that illegals are taking away all of our jobs while they lay around all day and just collect all of the freebies like welfare and I phones! What the hell have you been smoking?

“Go and tell the President what you just told me, he needs a good laugh.”

When Mocksham went into the Oval Office and asked the President what he thought about the tax numbers he replied,

“Yeah, Andy I read that report. I know the facts, why do you think I always try to hire illegals?”

“Those people show up every damn day and they bust their ass.”

“ I have to keep saying the hateful lies because my voter base loves that shit. I would have never won the Republican nomination if I told the truth about how important these people are to our economy and society.”

“Besides, what did you think I meant when I said that Mexico was going to pay for my wall?”

“Twelve billion dollars a year will have that wall paid off in 2 years.”