Category: Religion

Pat Robertson Promises The Ten Plagues Of Egypt If Democrats Win The House.

November 6th, 2018

Fort Wayne, Indiana:     While on the campaign trail today, President Trump was joined on stage by 700 club host, and former GOP candidate for President, Pat Robertson.

The iconic aging televangelist hobbled on to the stage powered only by the thoughts and prayers of his faithful financial contributors.

During his apocalyptic sermon on voting, TV reverend Robertson declared that the ancient ten plagues of Egypt would be unleashed upon the American landscape and render it an economic and social wasteland if the Democrats would win a majority in the Senate and House of representatives.

“Your tap water will be turned to blood, gay frogs will enter your orifices, transgendered snakes and other reptiles will fill your public bathrooms, all of your livestock will turn homosexual and never breed again, your skin will be covered with blue liberal boils, socialist hail the size of Oprah Winfrey will rain down upon your property and destroy it, locusts as big as unpatriotic NFL athletes who kneel for the national anthem will eat your flags, there will be huge three day rolling power outages of darkness across the land and your firstborn will all be aborted retroactively.”

RFN asked to interview the televangelist about his horrific rhetoric and was denied.

White House Press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders had this to say when questioned by RFN reporter Andy Mocksham;

“Look Mocksham, I am tired of you asking me so many fake news type questions. Reverend Robertson’s words speak for themselves.”

“Do you want these damn plagues, Andy? I know that I sure don’t, and I speak for all the other patriotic Americans of faith who feel the same way and contribute whatever they can to our campaign to keep America safe from liberal plagues.”

“I sure don’t want any gay frogs in my orifices Mocksham. Do you?”

The audience at the rally was provided with a souvenir artists rendering of the ten plagues drawn by other evangelical pastors.
trump ten plauges2

 

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President Trump Places Santa Under Arrest

December 17th, 2017

Elmendorf Air Force Base, Alaska:     President Trump announced that he has signed an executive order that places Santa Claus under arrest. The announcement was made during the signing ceremony at Elmendorf Air Force base outside of Anchorage Alaska.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to reach the President on his unsecured Galaxy smartphone. When asked why he would arrest Santa Claus, Trump responded;

“I know that this is Yuuuge Andy, but it is about time a President had the balls to stop that horrible socialist Santa from giving away free toys to every boy and girl in our tremendous country. It goes against our capitalist principles. It is about time we put an end to toy welfare and socialism. It’s a bigly ugly thing that happens every year, believe me.”

When asked if this is now a real war on Christmas, Trump replied;

“It’s not a war on Christmas Andy, it’s a war on free stuff,  you know,  socialism. These kids are being taught the wrong lessons here. Shopping and consuming is what Christmas is all about, not toy welfare. That is what baby Jesus would want good Christian Americans to do. Go shopping.”

“You don’t have to worry anymore about being naughty or nice kids, trust me, I’m an expert on that.”

Santa and Mrs. Claus arriving on Air Force transport after arrest
Arctic Santa

White House National Christmas Tree Goes Feral

December 7th, 2017

Washington DC:  The National Christmas Tree at the White House vanished overnight and was later located in the George Washington national forest.

White House groundskeepers were stunned this morning when they showed up for work and realized that the spectacularly lit tree had disappeared. The National Park Service had a GPS tag on the tree and later located it at the northeastern edge of the George Washington National forest at Backbone mountain on the West Virginia and Maryland border.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to speak with White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. He asked her about the incident.

“Look Mocksham, the damn national tree just up and went feral. It was simply no longer happy being stuck at the White House anymore. It went back to the forest. These things happen I guess.”

“The President has replaced the tree with his favorite national symbol. A burning cross.”

“He wishes all Americans a very merry white Christmas.”

The Trump White House national cross
white house christmas cross

President Trump and the national cross holiday carolers singing Christmas carols at the lighting ceremony.
white house KKK

President Trump Asks NASA To Find Missing White House Staff

August 19th, 2017

Bedminster, New Jersey:      NASA confirmed today that President Trump has ordered the agency to conduct a search for his missing cabinet members.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham went with the President on his morning round of golf at Trumps summer White House in Bedminster New Jersey. He asked the President why he felt that NASA needed to search for missing cabinet members. Trump replied;

“They are the experts at alien abductions Mocksham. Haven’t you ever watched the X files?”

When asked why he felt that aliens are abducting his staff, Trump answered back;

“Where else could they have gone? It seems like every time I look up from making a tweet another one is missing.”

“Good God Andy. First General Flynn. Then Comey, Bharara, Dubke, Shaub, Spicey, Priebus, Short, Harvey, the Mooch and now Banny Banana Bannon. My entire business advisory council. I can’t even remember all of them anymore. The only ones the aliens haven’t touched is my religious advisory council, and to be honest I can understand why, those people freak me out bigly. Every time I see them they put their hands on me and start speaking really funny.”

“Pretty soon the only people left will be all these religious nuts and the voices inside my head.”

“NASA better not blow this or I will have no choice but to get rid of the whole agency.”

Trumps religous council

President Trump becomes a Muslim

May 21st, 2017

Mecca, Saudi Arabia:    US President Donald Trump stunned the world tonight by reciting the first of the five pillars of Islam, the “Shahada” with Saudi King Salman becoming the very first US President to officially profess the Islamic faith.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was present at the ceremony and was able to speak to the President immediately afterward. He asked the President why he became a Muslim after all his anti-Muslim rhetoric his whole life.

“Mocksham, I said that I was going to be the President of all the people, all the religions. I have discovered that Islam is the worlds largest, most fantastic faith let me tell you, and after I found out that we all worship the same God and all then it was an easy decision for me to make.”

“I am pretty sure that I can be both a Christian and a Muslim. No one has told me otherwise.”

“What’s the big deal anyway, I wasn’t even a Christian till I decided to run for President!”

GOP Health Care Plan Fails To Get Enough “Drag Her By The Hair Votes.”

March 24th,2017

Washington, DC:
   The GOP health care plan, better known as the AHCA or “American Health Care Act” failed to gain enough votes to even be voted on yesterday. The plan was favored by the majority of Republicans in the house, and by the President, because it included massive tax cuts for Uber wealthy Americans, even though it would have dumped an estimated 24-26 million sick and elderly Americans off of their health insurance coverage.

The main resistance on the right was from the so-called “Freedom Caucus” of old white men.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham was able to ask a few questions to the caucus leader, Mark Meadows of North Carolina. When asked why he was so against women and children having basic health coverage. He replied:

“The Presidents  support for a change that would strip out Obamacare’s requirement for insurance plans covering  maternity care, mental health treatment, preventive services, and a host of other essential health benefits, fell short of my caucuses demands.”

“We also wanted to repeal the insurance regulations forbidding discrimination based on pre-existing conditions and lifetime coverage limits. And that is a nonstarter for us Mocksham. Jesus H Christ on a cracker, the snowflake liberals even took out the language that would allow men to drag their women by the hair into a cave to give birth the way God intended!”

“That is unacceptable!”

“I guess we just move on to a tax reform bill that is not disguised as health care reform.”

Freedom caucus
white old men

Speaker Of The House Paul Ryan Receives Endorsement from Satan

March 9th,2017

Washington, DC: US Speaker of the house Paul Ryan(R)  Wis, was the recipient of a ringing endorsement from the Dark Lord himself, Satan, for his support of the new House GOP health care plan called the American Health Care Act or AHCA.

Speaker Ryan refused to comment on Satan’s endorsement of him.

The new plan, which is also being supported by President Trump, has Satan so impressed that he even penned a letter addressed to Speaker Ryan, signed by the Dark Lord himself.

RFN reporter Andy Mocksham took his crucifix with him when he met with Satan in his bunker deep below the capitol. When asked by Mocksham why he was so happy about the new health care plan Satan replied,

“What is not to like? Any time legislation comes along that will force already struggling Americans to suffer even more at the expense of the wealthy, I am all in! I especially enjoy hearing all the liberal do-gooder snowflakes whining! It is music to my ears Mocksham!”

“Let me be more specific. When the American Medical Association says that millions of working poor Americans will lose insurance coverage and fall through the huge new Medicaid cracks, I want to jump for joy!”

“When the AARP cries about millions of 50-64-year-old Americans not being able to retire and possibly being laid off because of the tripling of the cost of their coverage, I want to sing songs of misery!”

“I especially love the de-funding of Planned Parenthood! Taking low-cost health care and birth control away from poor women and mothers is my bread and butter Mocksham!”

“Anytime the US Chamber of Commerce is for legislation, then you know that I am ecstatic!”

“Making America great again for Evil is moving forward as planned.”

“Long live the AHCA!”Mocksham7Paul Ryan satan letter