Senator McConnell Blames His lack Of Town Hall Meetings On His Shell

February 24th, 2017

Washington DC:    Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell(R) from Kentucky explains that the main reason he does not spend much time in congress or meeting with constituents is because he can only survive outside of his turtle shell for short periods of time.

Senator McConnell granted a rare interview with RFN reporter Andy Mocksham wearing his shell, inside of his temperature controlled aquarium, in his Washington DC home.

When asked why he will only meet with donors at paid in advanced dinners, or by RSVP he replied,

“I can only survive outside of my shell for a few hours a day, 6 hours or so, and for around 120-150 days a year max” the Senator explained to Mocksham.

“I have to maximize my time without it. I can’t waste any on Joe Blow constituents.”

“This is the main reason I have very little public exposure, I don’t want to die. I have to place my own survival as a priority over others. It’s my nature as an amphibian reptile. Turtles have survived for millions of years because we are basically very selfish. This suits me fine as a conservative politician.”

“I can tell you this Mocksham, since no one ever believes anything your website publishes anyways. You guys admit that you are fake news, hahaha. Brilliant.”

“And I don’t mind passing legislation that hurts the middle class, poor, sick and elderly. Or that damages the environment. I am a cold blooded creature that adapts to anything.”

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